Relationship confusion - is it me or "us"?

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Disclaimer : This probably makes no sense.
So. My issue is partially that I am unable to discern between there being a problem with me and my admittedly unorthodox spin on relationships, or if there is simply a compatability problem between me and my partner.
I generally consider myself asexual, though I'm not happy about it. Sorry, other asex people on Wrong Planet, but I do see it as just another dysfunction, another inability. I am currently with a male. We have followed the pre-patterned social ritual to his satisfaction and arrived at the "relationship" stage, which apparently consists of seeing more of each other, general kissing and touching. I like the individual in question and he has been a friend for years, but I have to admit I thought I would get it once we got there, so to speak. Now I find I just don't understand. I don't understand what the need for touching is, as I dislike being touched anyways and am just doing it for his benefit. Kissing just seems perfunctory, and again not enjoyable. It all seems fabricated. I can feel the question of sex looming in the future - sex with males is just not something I'm good with. Sex with females is much easier to tolerate.
This all sounds typically asexually-objective. But then I find myself with a completely uncharacteristic "crush" on a male co-worker. If I was completely disinterested in men, and the sexual conclusion that ordinarily leads to with hetero/bisexuals, I would not be interested in this co-worker. As far as I know, he is in a relationship himself, and I did wonder if my interest is a "safe" one as most people are monogamous and therefore it's unlikely the crush will actually lead anywhere, putting no expectations on me.
I wondered if my interest in my work-mate is indicative of a compatibility problem between me and my partner, rather than a fault on my end in asexual/aspie fashion. I also wondered if, as so many people preach to asexual people, I would not feel this way if I was actually interested in my partner, or if I would I be interested in these things with this work-mate.
I can't work out the distinction. Any advice?

I think that's it--desiring the unattainable because it IS "safe."



It could be a bit of both. Part of you is probably afraid of a relationship that will actually go anywhere, so crushing on someone you can't have allays that fear (this is part of why I crushed on fictional characters for years).

There could also be compatibility issues. Sometimes, we find ourselves attracted to people who fill in whatever is missing in our current relationship. What is it about this co-worker that you find attractive? Is there anything about your own partner that is lacking? Do the two coincide?

Hope that helps somewhat.

I theorize that most asexuals actually are not asexual. Most of these people simply find very very few people in life sexually attractive in an invoking sense. In fact, such a person may find so few people attractive in that manner that they may never come across someone who posses the right combination of traits to trip that sexoromantic circuitry.

This is probably the case with you. You like your boyfriend on many levels, but not on *that* level. He does not envoke the biological response in you, known as sexual attraction. He does not take your breath away, or make your heart jump or flutter. He does not cause your pupils to dilate or make you feel flush or faint. In other words, you probably aren't into him.

This co-worker on the other hand...if you were stuck in an elevator with him, and neither of you were in a relationship, and he made a move on you, would you feel thrilled or would you be inclined to reject his advances?

Now all of this being said, you should not pursue those who are already in relationships, even if it is the only person in the world you have ever been, and may ever be attracted to.

Personally, I think that it might just not be the right match with this guy. To hear most people talk, it's as if you're supposed to feel attracted to practically anyone of the opposite sex who meets a certain general criteria of what is considered attractive. This is not the case for me. Although I don't consider myself asexual by any means, I'm simply not attracted to most guys. There are also guys who I find attractive but I'm not interested in having a relationship with them for various reason. If I were to have to go through the motions with a man who, even if he was a good friend, I was not attracted to in that way, it would feel much as you described and I would be very uncomfortable with it. I'm not a touchy feely person with my friends in general, and never with people who aren't friends. But with someone I am in a relationship with and attracted to, it feels different and positive, not uncomfortable. It's also possible the crush on the other guy could be indicative of problems in the current relationship because you are not feeling that with the person you are with. Personally, if I'm with someone (who I am interested in romantically and attracted to), I don't feel attracted to or have crushes on other guys, even if I acknowledge they have a pleasing smile or whatever. It's just not there. I know this is not the case with everyone.