My OKCupid profile

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OK, since Grisha had the courage to post his profile and ask for critique, I thought I'd try as well. It would be easy to find anyway as I use the same screenname for all my Internet accounts but here it is.

www.okcupid.com/profile/zur-darkstar

It's long, so don't read it all if you don't want to. I'm also telling people up front I have AS. Yes, that's the best picture I have. I have only my phone so it is what it is. I don't look good in pictures anyway. I'm just wondering what sort of impression I'm giving off. The vibe I'm going for is a non-conformist, nerdy, somewhat intellectual type. I have sort of an aimless philosopher personality which is what I'm trying to convey.

Be aware, my goal is different from most of the people on this forum. I'm NOT looking for sex, and I'm NOT looking to just get dates. I'm actually looking for a relationship and someone to build my life around, so my challenge is much greater. I'm not expecting a high response rate, because that isn't my goal. I'm really just wondering if, as fellow aspies, you find my profile interesting in a "hey there's someone like me" way. I'm well aware that some of the things I put in there will make a lot of people run away screaming, but again, that's exactly the point. The whole reason I use online dating is because I don't have the energy to ask random strangers when the probability of any of them being good for me is so low. This is my way to change the odds in my favor, so the people that will find me intolerable and the ones I would find intolerable, will be pushed away, while the compatible ones are the only ones that will be interested. Also, if you can rate my appearance, that would also be appreciated. I'm very aware of the concept of leagues and how trying to date above/below your league can cause problems, but I really don't know where I fall. I think of myself as 6.5-7, but more feedback would be helpful. I realize this is subjective, but the more opinions, the better.

Oh gawd, not another one of those abhorrent "generalizations" again - paging Dr. Laz...

Putting aside the completely unfounded and offensive nature of your assessment of "most people on this forum" - why did you even feel compelled to mention it? To make yourself feel superior?

How did this perception that all the guys are shallow, devious perverts get started?

I spend a lot of time here and I can't even recall a post where someone said "I just want to get laid"

Am I missing something?

All of the misogynist filth that gets spread around here has driven many valuable people away, and understandably so.

But I getting pretty f*cking fed up with this misadrynist stuff too.

building your life around someone? sounds very clingy

I'm an NT and and an older lady, so I only read your profile out of curiosity. But I wanted to give you a thumbs up--you're very open about yourself, funny, and you value kindness--definite assets in any relationship, NT or AS. Your comment about being different, not broken and your ease in being upfront about Asperger's shows you have confidence in yourself. I wish you luck and hope your response rate is high and favorable--don't settle, you deserve a supportive, caring partner.

I'm an AS guy in a relationship. You come across as honest and direct, probably no baggage, and I'm sure there will be people interested.

I think the stuff about your lack of ambition could be rephrased as a positive. i.e.

" I DON'T care about money or social status. I'm not terribly ambitious and I believe in living for today because the Earth could get hit by a giant meteor tomorrow, and Bill Gates will be just as dead as the rest of us. If you're looking for a guy that's going to have a successful career and make a bunch of money, look elsewhere. I prefer to spend my energy on being a decent human being and just living in the moment."

I know what you mean. I think the outlook and feeling you're describing is contentment. You're a contented person. Saying that sounds good. Saying you're not ambitious etc. might be misunderstood as laziness or apathy.

IMHO

I owe an apology. I worded this sentiment VERY POORLY. I can see why you would take offense, and I apologize profusely. I should not have used "most people on this forum". I was in a bit of a hurry to finish my post before a dentist appt. and I didn't proofread as thoroughly as I usually do. I really meant to say that my interest in sex was much less than the average male, a fact which I make no particular effort to conceal. I don't consider myself asexual but I do think my sex drive is lower than that of the average male (this is partially due to medication, but I have no interest in stopping said medication). I wasn't trying to be judgmental. There's nothing wrong with people that just want casual sex or short term relationships. I don't care one way or the other, it's just not what I'm interested in, so I was pointing out what I perceive as my atypical-ness.

Totally OK, now I feel kind of bad for snapping at you.

I'm sure that's not what you intended when you wrote it - I'm just a little (little?) sensitive on the issue based on some things that have been posted around here recently.

I'm sure the people here will give you some good advice, they certainly did in my case.

Good luck!!

I know you're not looking to be a sex object, but pictures are still important. If you don't have a digital camera, try to find someone who does, and get them to take some pictures of you. I wouldn't recommend the zebra shirt, because it makes you look a lot younger than your age. As for actual content, I think it's pretty good. You seem like a person who's quite self-aware, which is a very good thing. I agree with wo0 that you might be able to rephrase some parts. Good luck!

This is one instance where I'm deliberately overstating for the sake of screening purposes. I've had multiple episodes of severe depression and anxiety. When I get pressured to "do more" in a job setting, my anxiety goes up, and prevents me from concentrating, so I actually do less than I did before and make more mistakes, which increases the pressure, and there's a vicious downward spiral until I meltdown (which for me is uncontrollable crying). I try to be careful about putting myself in an environment where there isn't a huge speed/time/social pressure demand. It isn't that I don't work hard. Every employer I've had will attest that I have a great work ethic and attitude. The problem is that I just am what I am and have a very limited ability to adapt to the unexpected or increased demands, and I can go from being fine to melting down in a frighteningly short period of time. It's possible to get around stuff like this with a low to middling wage job, but not if someone wants to move up the corporate ladder. In the place where I live, there's a lot of old-fashioned women looking for men to take care of them, and I want to dispel the notion that I am, or ever will be, the type for that. I'll pull my own weight and work hard, but I just don't have the makeup to be a traditional "head of the household".

I've thought of wording this other ways. For example, I could say "I believe in working for a living, but not living for work", or "I'd be happier living in a trailer with someone I love than living in a mansion alone", or what I put on job resumes "I'm far more motivated by the desire to fix a problem and make a contribution than I am by money or material rewards". I could be brutally honest and say that I love working but I don't care how much I get paid as long as people don't bother me about it and let me do it my way. All these things are true, and convey the same "not an ambitious social climber" meaning to NTs. If the whole world were aspies, I'd just say it as precisely accurately as possible and not have to worry about it being taken to mean anything other than it means

Unfortunately, there's no getting around the fact I look younger than I am. My family and others have commented on this before. About the only way to make myself look older is to grow my hair out long and I'm NOT doing that again. I still get carded, regularly. It's gotten me a little annoyed lately. I even told one guy "Dude I'm 30, you're not even close" as I pulled out my ID. Good thought about the zebra shirt though, it does look a tad kiddish. I can always take more of those. I should borrow my Mom's digital camera, but then I'd have to make up some story about what I'm needing it for

I like the zebra shirt! I'd honestly be more likely to click on a guy with a zebra shirt than a shirtless guy with a six-pack.

I hear you; I wouldn't try to make yourself look older. I look really young as well, but I hear tell we'll be glad in a few decades.

Yes it does, and for this reason it does not appear in my profile, but the idea is to critique the profile I spent several hours on, not the post I spent 15 minutes on

I spent 10 minutes doing my profile.

It shows, I come across as a twat

OK Cupid is heaps better than Plenty of Fish. So many nerds!

And nerdettes!