Date critique by..my date

Post Reply New Topic

So I had an online-initiated date a few weeks ago with a really awesome girl.

On our date, she told me that she had recently broken up with a guy after a really intense "whirlwind" type romance. This scared me - I just don't have the perception skills necessary to understand what a girl really needs in order to whip her up into a romantic frenzy. So rather than disappoint her, I backed off quite a bit.

She emailed me a couple of days ago basically asking what happened, and I ended up telling her about my AS, my romantic challenges, and why I was acting the way I was.

Here are some excerpts from what she wrote back:

Spooked? Did I really come off as "spooked"?



At least I got something right.



I completely missed this! To be fair, she only "hinted" at wanting to hang out, she just kind of said that she "wasn't doing anything" and expected me to understand what to do.

And I even talked about what they showed on "Mythbusters" after that



So I wrote back and said that being friends was just fine, and hoped we could get together again sometime soon.

My questions:

1. Of course I looked "spooked" - I always look "spooked" - that's why people always ask me "are you OK?" - How do I change this?

2. What was I supposed to do when she said I looked "cuter than my photos"? Besides "freezing" of course...

3. Is my firmly held view that I can't be romantic something I can change?

4. Why is Mythbusters such an awesome show? (just kidding about that one)

Any feedback would be appreciated...

1. The spooked thing wouldn't bother me, I don't think - especially if you explained why.
2. Say 'thank you?' and pay her a compliment?
3. It's easy to be romantic, I dislike a lot of typical romance, but you know - buy flowers/chocolates whatever.

There were probably other aspects of your non-verbal communication and demenour she probably couldn't articulate to you that would probably allow more constructive feedback that would be of use to you.

Sometimes, even though its probably somewhat unethical, it would be handy to just have some kind of footage of these social situations just to observe the interaction. When they say 80-90% of communication is non-verbal it quite literally is and the only way someone on the spectrum is going to learn this language of subtlety and build an understanding of it is to have feedback which other people will simply feel is kinda obvious or almost patronising to explain. Yet such knowledge is really what we all crave in order to be successful.

I'm quite certain it would be quite beneficial and insightful to actually see people who post on here interact in the flesh to gauge what it is they exactly are doing to come across in a negative or off putting way to others. Even those who consider themselves "high functioning" and feel they have little problems would benefit from that.

Hell even I wouldn't mind someone pointing out my oddities to me occasionally although i think i've had plenty of pointers over the years.

It's been discussed before, having a hidden camera or a secret "wingman" discreetly sitting nearby. Alex P (owner of this site) even jumped into a thread discussing this idea.

In this particular case, she was expecting "flirty" based on our previous conversations. It's very easy for me to be "flirty" in writing, but not in person for a number of reasons. I should probably work on that too...

That's one of those subtle things that NTs do. The correct response to, "I'm not doing anything tuesday" or whatever, is "How about we do something" perhaps with a suggestion attached. I guess next time you might not miss that.



I think you've thrown this opportunity away now, if you hadn't before.



What does spooked mean? Tense? Nervous? If so, then learn to be physically relaxed.



"Thanks, you too!"



Depends what you mean by romantic. What do you mean? I think I'm not inherently a romantic person, but I can be. I don't want this to sound cynical, but you just need to work out where the 'positive emotion' buttons are, and push them. Know how to make a woman feel good and special. It doesn't necessarily require chocolates and things, but some women might go for some of that.



I'm not so keen. I like the concept, it's just to slow to get to the results for my taste.

Ah i'm more about a post-mortem analysis in the aftermath rather then a "wingman" advising from the side lines like they do in those corny hollywood films.

Either way is both unethical and a great big portion of canned worm produce as far as the law is concerned though.

Grisha, I would go out with you seeing as I'm only at the next city over. My intention would be nothing romantic as I'm not at that stage at all (and I am certain I'm not your type), but only to see what our interaction will be like and give you feedback.

There's a problem though. Even though I'm mostly NT, I already have an idea of what to expect based on reading your experiences. Do you think I can be unbiased and you can be how you'd normally be when on an actual date?

What say you?

Thanks for the feed back as always!

As for the photo thing, my profile photos suck, so I factually agreed with her statement, requiring no response. I didn't even perceive it as a compliment.

On being romantic, how can I push those buttons if I don't even know what they are? Did you see the movie "Adam"? He just kept leaving presents on the girls doorstep until she said "enough with the presents already". He kind of knew what to do, but he didn't really know how to do it appropriately.

Actually, I know I've been friend-zoned in this case, but that's cool because I don't have many friends to begin with...

You would do that for me? Thanks so much!

You've got mail...

I think it's neat she was so open with you. She also told you what she wants. So flirt with her and send her love letters and sometimes flowers. She said she wanted to be pursued. So pursue!

I just might, she's totally awesome - why else would I date her?

hand written love letters are one romantic gesture which is so lovely.

Thanks for the idea! She owns a really cool dog spa in a very fashionable area of LA near Hollywood, I could send her flowers there...and a biscuit for her adorable Boston Terrier...

Maybe I can do the romantic thing...

That sounds perfect. Especially if she likes being pursued.
Good Luck!

With this girl, you've blown it.

You missed a number of cues. You need to learn not to miss them in the future. Admitting to having anything that has a negative stigma in society (such as AS), THIS EARLY in dating process... kiss the date goodbye.

She seems rather "normal" and considerate of your feelings. However you've blown it.

Oh and when she said you looked "cuter than your photos", you should've said "Why, thank you. You're not so bad yourself!" with enthusiasm and smile. If you said it seriously, however, it could come off as an insult. And if you went on about how beautiful she looks, it would become creepy.

As for "being romantic"... I am not sure a PERSON can be romantic. A MOMENT can be romantic. You can create such moment. Usually they come spontaneously, you can't program them. They are result of just having chemistry, and everything going just right.

If you are not into old-fashioned pursuing, or you don't understand how it's done, then you should not be trying to pursue a girl who IS into old-fashioned pursuing, because you WILL mess it up.



NO.

Getting a package in the mail from a guy you met once or twice is NOT ROMANTIC. It is CREEPY.

Romance requires effort. Real-life effort, personal effort. Showing that you care, or rather, at early stage, that you suspect you may care in the future. Expressing interest in ways that are not obvious, and not esoteric, either.

However I sincerely doubt that you can restart from scratch here. Some things, once you screw them up, you just cannot make a graceful landing. Her memory cannot be erased.

Well aren't you just a ray of sunshine?