Question for the Aspie Men in Successful LTRs

Post Reply New Topic

So the post below appeared in another thread, and it shocked me. If the poster's observations/theory is true, it seems to link Asperger's with Attachment Disorder. I have a very hard time accepting that connection....in fact, I can't accept it. I'd appreciate hearing from any Aspie males out there in long term, reasonably successful relationships (and I know you're out there guys, cause you've posted here plenty): do you agree with the poster's "two attention slot" theory? Do you have a theory of your own?

A good way to understand Aspies is to pretend we have two "attention slots", and can only sustainably deal with two major things at once (and even then, only one at any instant in time). Career is one thing. A relationship is one thing. Housekeeping in general is one thing. Obsessive interests are one thing. A major life crisis, like a sick/dying parent/friend/pet is one thing. A best friend can be one thing, but normally would be a subset of "social life in general".

If you meet an Aspie while he's unemployed, but lives on his own, then he gets hired for his dream job, your relationship is probably over unless you're willing to put it on hold indefinitely unless you're willing to become de-facto roommates and be his personal assistant/housekeeper (freeing up slot #2, normally allocated to "housekeeping", so he can assign it to "relationship with you" instead).

Likewise, if you're in a relationship with an Aspie who's employed and lives with his parents, then he goes out to buy a house, your relationship is probably over unless you're able to fully integrate yourself into the home-buying process and accept his emotional distance until long after the house is purchased, he's moved in, done the urgent remodeling jobs, and can move "buying a house" out of slot #2.

The good and bad thing is that if you end up in a relationship with an Aspie, and you're willing to be his housekeeper, personal assistant, accountant, money manager, chef, and sex toy... you'll own him for life, because he'll completely and enthusiastically outsource all of those tasks to you if you allow him to, and eventually become incapable of even conceiving the thought of reclaiming them in the future. The catch is, if you aren't willing and enthusiastic about taking them on, your relationship won't work, because the moment those things get piled into slot #2, your relationship will be over unless you're ready to become the family breadwinner, allow him to quit his job, and move those functions back into slot #1.

We aren't selfish, slobs, or lazy. We literally just can't multitask. Our context slots are limited, and the only way you're ever going to occupy one of them is by personally taking on everything that occupied that slot to free it up for a relationship with you. And even then, you have to realize that relationships will always be the first thing that gets jettisoned under stress or crisis. If a parent gets sick, you'll be his assistant/housekeeper/accountant/chef & won't even get to have a relationship to make up for it, because that crisis will be occupying slot #2 instead.

On what basis are these assumptions made, you think?
Actual ongoing work with men with AS?
Or just blog-like opining?

I'm not an Aspie male but an Aspie female and just wanted to note that it's interesting but one person's experience. Don't let it make you think a relationship isn't possible with a certain Aspie guy you know. Many things are possible.

What the person posted does ring true for me, I really can only concentrate on one thing at once and if it really comes to it I can switch between Thing A and Thing B but a) not every Aspie is like that and b) even if they are, there are a lot of unexpected ways different life areas can combine into one "unit." The person who write that did not seem to take into account the fact that THEY can combine some responsibilities themselves into into one unit.

Hope, I don't agree with this poster at all. Heaven help me if I sound Politically Correct, but this is stereotyping--more particularly, a false stereotype. Very little of this describes me, though if I'm stressed, which isn't often, it's hard to pay proper attention to my girlfriend. But I think that's true of a lot of men.

In my experience, women are pretty quick to make noise if they feel they are being neglected or taken for granted, as they should.

it does not apply to me. I am fairly good at multitasking, particularly when it comes to things that are small tasks like cooking or organising things concurrently. Emotional distress means i put everything else on hold and deal with that so sometimes that suggests to me i am not good at multitasking. I think that is more about lack of focus due to emotions being what my attention is foccussed on at that time. My problems in relationships are not inherent limitations but more psychological things like insecurity,neediness blah blah blah


personally i think that all aspies are different but there are some overarching similarities and some similarities that only fit a certain 'type' of aspie. By type i think i mean a group that share similarities in how their development/genes/developmental genes/environment/epigenetic/any other cause that made them be seen as autistic. I really don't see autism as one thing. To me it seems to be a list of symptoms which may be a result of certain neurological and psychological variations from what is seen as an average individual. I guess that is very vauge too but i'm approaching this from the idea that development and genetic interactions is based on many many factors unlike simple Mendelian models like huntingtons etc. maybe it is not as complicated as i think but the fact that there is not a cohesive model for autism despite lots of research suggests otherwise

There are times where it is very easy for me to get distracted, sure. And when in crisis mode, it can be difficult for my wife to get my attention. However, since I love my wife, if she wants attention, she just asks for it and I give it.

I also know that I am capable of spontaneous affection, attention, and romance. I have to work hard at it, but the few times I've managed to pull it off successfully, my wife has responded exceptionally well to it.

So yeah, it's a stereotype. And like all stereotypes, it is an extreme example that is not an accurate portrayal of the group except in the tiniest ways.

I thought I was in a LTR till she broke up with me begging of the month. Anyways I do NOT agree with that statement. It's hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time but I prioritize & switch focus depending on what the situation demands; for example I mostly focused on my partner when I was spending time with her or chatting with her, I focused on my family when I was doing stuff with my family, I focused on doing my work when I was doing chores, & I focused on my special interest when my partner was busy & I had nothing to do. I would of made a schedule to accommodate everything I needed to if I would of had more going on. My partner was my number one focus thou & she kind of took the place of my special interest because I rathered chat with her when I could instead.

Very interesting... I'm not sure I can answer directly, but I can speak somewhat from my experience.

I think an aspie male will have to be a lot more highly selective if he intends to have a good relationship with someone who can be supportive of his "quirks." I met my wife in college and she was good friends with my then-fiancée. So for a couple of years she got to hear all about how stupid I am, how bad my temper is, and how awful my mom is. And these are all things that she never saw in me--she doesn't think I'm stupid, she knows it takes a real effort to p!ss me off, and she LOVES my mom. She knows I have my eccentricities--and there are many--and she's ok with that. She accepted that I was a music major and sequestered in the music building most of the day, that I had fraternity meetings every week in addition to various service projects and other functions, and that my dedication to my art meant she'd be away from me more often than not. We even took two years apart from each other while I get my master's degree. She's been with me every step of the way from struggling in my teaching career and knows full well how difficult it is for me to hold a job. She accepts that circumstances have forced me to earn a paltry income teaching private lessons with plenty of time on my hands besides that. I use that time to pursue those things I'm really interested in, and we are both well aware of what could happen if the time I invest in my special interests begins to pay off.

And yes, she's the chief breadwinner. Out of respect for me, she allows me veto power in every major decision. And at the same time, I recognize that she is extremely good at managing money and making good household decisions; ergo most often I defer the decision-making to her (there are a FEW issues I've stood my ground on, but I RARELY use the "husband card," and there better be a good reason when I do). I'm a better disciplinarian than my wife, and I'm better at keeping my children calm. On the other hand, she's the "fun" parent. She has a strong work ethic and is quick to take the initiative; I'm a better delegator and spend more time making the kids do the housework. I'm better at washing dishes and taking out garbage; she works miracles with folding laundry. So I may have a higher "position" in our family in the sense that I have the final word, but in reality we have complementary roles and work more side-by-side than either one of us assuming the position of dictator for any great length of time. It doesn't do any good because I'm unable to handle the sort of NT tasks she's good at, mainly dealing with people in her job as a Chapter 7 bankruptcy paralegal in a small law firm. What do I do to contribute? Play piano.

It's the mutual respect, I think, that counts. I look at it this way: I'm primarily concerned with my music. More than a hobby, it's a way of life. But my main goal in life is not to just be a musician. My goal is to contribute to the growth of my family. Music happens to be my main if not only skill. So I'm driven to be as good as I can possibly be and promote my own music as best I can in hopes that SOMEWHERE in there I can help keep my family financially secure. What my wife and children have to understand is that it's not for me but for them that I have to be out late for rehearsals and gigs with my band, that I can't sit with them in church, that I travel all over the state doing volunteer gigs, that I constantly look at gear that helps facilitate what I do, and so on. It may SEEM that they are in or below 2nd place, but the reality is they are never below 2nd place. I'm just grateful that I have a wife who has seen me at my best and at my worst and chooses to stand by me anyway. Most couples I ever knew who ended up going through the same kinds of things we've been through don't make it too many years. We respect each other and refuse to compromise our wedding vows.

I think the main thing is that people need to spend enough time with each other to know if a LTR is even going to work, not to mention more people just need to be honest with themselves. If you ever catch yourself wishing your partner would change, it might be a good idea to end the relationship. Or if you see in your partner a pattern of thinking that things will change for the better with the next phase in the relationship, don't waste any more time in that relationship. If you can't accept the person the way they are, you need to find someone you CAN accept and who can accept all your flaws as well. Change is good if you're unhappy with yourself. It is NOT good when all you're trying to do is impress someone. It's never going to happen; please move on. My wife and I had become best friends long before we ever even talked about marriage, and we're no less best friends now after 11 years of being together (and married 6 of those years). It's a great place to be, and I think that if you are fortunate enough to find the kind of person who can accept you for everything you are, even the not-so-pleasant thing, then you'll have a successful LTR. If there IS a secret to LTRs, I believe that to be it regardless of your AS/NT status.