Loneliness

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I really would like to be in a relationship. I know it is not impossible for an aspie to be in a relationship but I am27 years old and Never have.
I am afraid that I will die first. Many people in my family that are younger that me are married with kids and I am jealous. I really don't want to be jealous of people that I love. In the past few years my social skills have improved but I still have trouble with eye contact. I have been very depressed lately because of loneliness and crave affection and I used to hate to be touched. I am not anti-social and want companionship.I think it would be really easy for me to have an emotional attachment to another human being. I will start culinary school in January so maybe there is hope. Maybe I will find a sensitive man with an interest in culinary arts that is very understanding. I need to really work on my social skills until then and get out of my comfort zone. I just can't be this lonely for the rest of my life.
When I am depressed I become a pessimist and when that happens life is hell.

If you're going to college there's going to be a lot of guys there. Being friendly will get you attention. Flirting is the way to get dates.

Swap phone numbers, text a bit, meet up for dinner, have fun with it.

Be aware that the guys might be younger than yourself. As long as you're prepared for that possibility you'll probably do fine.

The alternative is to try online dating, like on okcupid.

I am sitting here right now lonely and crying because of loneliness-another aspie hurt me recently and now I sit here with no one in my life or even anyone to talk to online and I am having a hard time-I thought I had found a person who would understand and accept me but know they went for a person and had relations after one date after we had been hanging out and doing things together for over a year-was told about an age difference hang up but it really was my looks and personality-and the other person they went for is bigger and 3 years younger than me-I don't know what to do anymore-I don't want to be alone either but no one wants me unless I can be used-its not fair.People give me advice on what to do but they have someone and since they are partnered and have intimate comanionship they really do not care about really helping me out-but when they need help with something-they call me and like a dope I help them.

sure ull find someone most definitely!! !

[quote="Radiofixr".People give me advice on what to do but they have someone and since they are partnered and have intimate comanionship they really do not care about really helping me out.[/quote]

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. This quote here, I totally relate to. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like telling people how I really feel has become pointless. They just don't understand how awful lonliness is. One friend says that "she makes an effort" to invite me places because i'm singlewhich is nice, but it makes me feel like a loser tagging along with her and her husband all the time.

I try and put on a brave face. I feel like I live a lie.

To the op, you are still young, there is plenty time to meet someone. All the best with your course.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. This quote here, I totally relate to. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like telling people how I really feel has become pointless. They just don't understand how awful lonliness is. One friend says that "she makes an effort" to invite me places because i'm singlewhich is nice, but it makes me feel like a loser tagging along with her and her husband all the time.

I try and put on a brave face. I feel like I live a lie.

To the op, you are still young, there is plenty time to meet someone. All the best with your course.[/quote]
Yes exactly I have been invited and offered to be invited places by the same person that did what I described above but I said no thanks-another person tells me "oh there a lid for every pot" well they have their lid. This person also says "don't judge a book by its cover" well I say you don't buy a book without looking at the title so by default you judge a book by its cover-and people can't seem to get past mine to see whats inside.

I always go when invited, i'm lonely, i'll go anywhere if its out the house, but I always hope she'll think to invite me somewhere along with some single male friends, but its always a room full of couples and i'm the odd one out. How does that help me? Just makes me feel weird and alone.

I dunno what to say. Some of us are difficult to maintain relationships with. I don't meant to be difficult, but I just am. Oh well.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. This quote here, I totally relate to. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like telling people how I really feel has become pointless. They just don't understand how awful lonliness is. One friend says that "she makes an effort" to invite me places because i'm singlewhich is nice, but it makes me feel like a loser tagging along with her and her husband all the time.

I try and put on a brave face. I feel like I live a lie.

To the op, you are still young, there is plenty time to meet someone. All the best with your course.[/quote]

I don't feel young. NT's get married and have kids as early as 18 and I can't even get a date or friends.

I undetstand, I felt like an old maid at 27. Believe me when you look back on the age you are now you'll think, "i was so young. Why was I so stressed?"

Different people mature at different rates. Don't compare yourself to other people, it won't help. We are all unique.

You are doing something positive though, taking up a course. I think that's a really good thing.

Don't put yourself under any ptessure to find "the one", enjoy your youth.

I know it sounds like all simple words and little comfort on lonely days, but you never know how your life is going to work out.

Enjoy your course.

I just think of all the times I felt lonely and wished I could be in a relationship. And then I'd end up in a relationship and it was so horrible and stifling and suffocating, I couldn't wait to get out of it.

I finally realized I don't actually NEED anybody in order to do the things I need to do. It would be nice to be with somebody, in theory, but it always ends up being far more of a hassle than it's worth.

To be honest, I've found that many people on this forum come to the conclusion that having a relationship will fix all of their problems when in fact, I've found relationships tend to make me feel too pressured and create more problems and emotional hassle. I think it is true that most people on the spectrum do need a sense of love, value and acceptance and I'm sure that's something you long for but you don't need it to realize that you're worth something, you need to stop living your life by the expectations of what the media dictates and start living it for yourself. The best thing you can do right now is stop waiting around for prince charming to come along, stop comparing yourself to others, live life for your own happiness and take a positive and lighthearted approach.

It is true many people believe a relationship will fix everything, while in reality, it depends on many factors. However, the need for emotional or physical intimacy is individual. There are people who need more of it and who feel bad when they can't have it. I know I am one of those people.

But there's another thing. If you've never had any dating, romantic or sexual experience, it can make you feel bad or unworthy, or you might feel there's something wrong with you. Which is a bad thing, because relationships and physical intimacy, even if you crave them, should never validate you as a person.

I'm not saying artrat is like this, but I do agree that people should never compare themselves to others in this regard.

Also, and this is just my opinion, sometimes, the more you want something, the less chances there are for it to happen. I have no idea how, but that's how it seems.

I think the best thing is to work on your confidence and social skills, without pressure of finding a guy or even good friends. The pressure can be very bad and it often ruins everything.

I agree that the more you want something and the more pressure you put on yourself, the more likely you're going to raise your expectations of meeting a potential partner. I think you have to create your own fate and luck rather than wait around for the perfect partner to come along.

I can certainly understand the need to be valued as an individual and to feel an emotional and physical connection to someone, I certainly think it is a desire that most people crave. I do think that people need to realize that just because people who aren't on the spectrum have relationships and appear to be happy doesn't necessarily mean they are free from problems and have perfect lives that none of us can relate to. I do think that the media and social conditioning can lead people into feeling unworthy if they don't have validation or reassurance from others but I also think that's to do with being insecure or not truly finding acceptance or love in yourself first.

this is very very true(in bold), but also completely letting fate take control also leads u no where
finding that happy place in the middle where u can pursue those interests without truely wanting it becuz u lack those experiences is very tricky....and is something i hav yet even come close to accomplishing

another thing and is something ive currently been pondering is whether or not one is going into a relationship becuz they disire the experience or whether they disire the person who they are wanting a relationship with

and im not saying all cases are like this, but i hav found that alot who say that relationships became more of a hassle and arnt as great as people make them sound, went into the relationship for the experience and not entirely for the person but its just an observation ive made

Last edited by Zinnel on 27 Nov 2011, 8:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Actually, I was speaking in general terms, not just dating/ love life. But I agree, wanting something/someone so badly can put a lot of pressure and that's a bad thing to deal with, especially for a person on the spectrum.



This is true. Relationships do require a lot of energy and some compromise. While I'm quite "needy" (I know how bad it sounds), many people want to have some distance and alone time, and this is even more true for the people on the spectrum.



This is also true. Sometimes, it's difficult to tell a difference between you inner, personal need and what society tells you it's "normal" for you to want and crave. Or the experiences you "should" have by the time you are 13, 17, 25. It's rubbish if you ask me.

But I do think the OP genuinely wants a partner and not a validation. This is a good thing but I'm not really socially successful to give her any advice (that's why I hesitated to respond to this thread). The only thing I can say is that pressure is a bad thing, and high expectations can hurt you. When you meet more people there's a greater chance of finding someone, and culinary school might that place. But maybe it won't be. So don't focus on a relationship for now. Try to interact with more people, no matter how difficult it seems. Who knows, maybe you'll meet a girl who will become a good friend of yours so she'll eventually introduce you with a nice guy? Or maybe you'll open yourself a bit by interacting with people more so you'll be more open to socializing outside the school so you'll meet a guy that way? Who knows; you shouldn't focus on this aspect alone. I think making this first step and opening yourself a bit is the most important.

No, no, I didn't mean on fate. I meant: the more you want something, the greater the pressure. Some people are good at working under pressure; it motivates them and it helps them give their best. Others break under pressure and become even less successful. This is me. I can't do anything under pressure, and the more I want something, the more pressure there is.