In praise of Aspie men

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It seems that aspie men often get a bad rap. From time to time there are newspaper articles telling how a defendent got off from criminal charges based on his AS, there is a forum devoted entirely to wive's complaints about AS husbands, and Dr. Phil cast male aspieness in a bad light too. Personally, I've had nothing but positive experiences with my aspie man. Are there any other women out there who can tell about their experiences with aspie men? Surely the experience of being in a relationship with an aspie male is more complex than the media would have us believe.


My Aspie partner saved my life with his love. He is truly gifted with a heart for love. I am so glad that I looked past the stereotypical ideal of what men are supposed to be like and allowed this wonderful Aspie man into my life. Every woman should be so fortunate as to find an Aspie man like mine.

Last edited by anandamide on 02 Jul 2006, 10:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

That's very beautiful.

Please delete all my post.

Last edited by TheMachine1 on 29 Jun 2006, 1:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

Please delete all my post.

Last edited by TheMachine1 on 29 Jun 2006, 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am very glad you are happy!

Can you detail some ways in which he makes you so happy?

I will try to put into words how he makes me happy. I read your other post and there are some similarities with my aspie partner. I am an aspie too. For years I found that I could not be in a relationship with a neurotypical male because they had too much financial and social power in the relationship compared to me. I found that NT men tried to dominate in really obnoxious and cruel ways. I have always struggled with employment and other issues because of my comorbids. I found that I couldn't maintain a relationship until I met my aspie partner who has experienced a similar struggle.

My aspie partner is very detached in a way that seems almost buddhist. He is very tender and gentle in a way that is detached from conventional concerns. For example, if I am angry he will just observe my behavior and say, "You're all heffed up" or "You're all riled up." He never argues back accept to make positive statements and acknowledgements. He's never abusive. When I'm yelling at him he just looks at me and makes some statement to acknowledge that he observes my anger. It may seem silly, but I feel comforted that he observes and acknowledges my anger. And most times that's all I need, is acknowledgement. Or he'll draw my attention away from a frustrating situation by saying, "Look, look at the flowers. Aren't they wonderful?" He draws my attention to beautiful things and this reminds me that I have a choice of whether to let issues get to me or not. Now these moments might seem very silly, but in my experience most NT men would get very angry and lash out if provoked by an angry woman. My aspie partner never loses his temper to the point of trying to be dominant or becoming irrational. He is always calm, rational, detached and yet caring. Even in the midst of my anger he will come up to me and kiss me on the cheek, or give me a hug. If I push him away he just comes back later to gently try again. I have alienated alot of people with my sarcasm and angry comments. He just responds by trying to give me a back massage!! How cool is that? It works very well for me. He "hears" me and offers acceptance and love. It feels great. What more could I ask?

On intelligence tests he scores in the top 5% for abstract reasoning but has deficits in other areas. When I listen, really listen, to what he has to say I discover new concepts and ways of perceiving many issues that I never understood before. I get to hear what his mind comes up with, given his extraordinary ability to reason abstractly. It is interesting to hear his perspectives. I find it very interesting to discuss issues with him. For example, we were having a discussion about religion the other day. I asked him how he thought the universe began. He said something that I think is quite remarkable. He laughed and said, "There is no creator. The universe is here because s**t happens." Once again, this might seem a silly thing to say. But actually, a statement like that indicates a cosmology that is quite interesting. It is part of a belief system that emphasizes acceptance rather than some ultimate end. He's not overly religious. I'm just using this example to tell about the way he perceives life. He believes in god, and tells me that it is easy to know god. God is in all things. According to my aspie partner, in order to know god all that is required is to become aware of god. I am telling you this to give some indication of the ideology that permeates his life. Whether there is any merit in his belief system I don't know, but I like his way of thinking. It makes sense to me. He has a very buddhist way of perceiving the world. What is more wonderful is that this belief system permeates his whole way of being. What is most important to me is that he doesn't seem to have internalized the traditional ideology that causes many people, especially men, to want to dominate and control their environment and the people in their world.

He does a phenomenal amount of housework. He's incredibly good at doing laundry. Every item is carefully washed and methodically folded or hung up in the closets. He's a great cook. He's into slow cookery, and doesn't like storebought items like canned sauces and stuff. After tasting his spaghetti sauce I can never ever eat storebought spaghetti sauce again. He bakes bread, and every loaf is treated with tender care and appreciation. Yet, he isn't slow about the housework. He can whiz through the house in half an hour and have it all looking spic and span. He spends hours with the children having conversations about many different things from geography to science, to religion, to pop culture. I don't have the patience to talk to my children in depth about these things, but I sit by and listen. He enjoys the conversations with them and I think we all learn alot from these discussions. He makes time and has the patience to encourage family discussions that allow us all to exercise critical thinking and intelligent thought. And it isn't as if I sit there passively. He always concedes to my views, because I am MOTHER.

If I decide that something is not going the way I think it should he is always willing to change. He will accept my view and have us get along, even if he thinks my view is wrong.

He often annoys me. He monologues in a nasal braying voice. He trips and falls alot because of motor difficulties. He gets himself into trouble because he often says things that people find offensive. For example, when we first got together we were with my mother and he made one of his blunt observations. He said outloud that one child was better at roller skating. My mother and I were angry at him and told him that it wasn't nice to make such comparisons between children. He never made such a comparison between the children's abilities again, but continues to say things that people sometimes find offensive. I get angry at him for being so blunt and sometimes intrusive. And his monologues sometimes get to me so much that I yell at him to be quiet or shut up. He often can't stop talking so I just walk away or move to another room to get away. He doesn't take offense at this.

I hope this description can do him justice and does not sound like a hippy dippy lovestruck reponse to your question. I find the english language is inadequate to describe how the aspie brain functions so much so that it is impossible to say what is so special about him. I find it is often hard for me to find the words to describe the wonder of the neurodiversity that I witness everyday. We don't have a perfect relationship by any means. I do think that because of his Asperger's there is an artfullness and depth and quality of surprise and meaningfulness in our relationship that I have not experienced with NT men.

I hope that describes him. I think that my words are not really adequate to say how wonderful he is or to acknowledge the difficulties.

I will pm you about this..

Go forth and spread the word, the public (read: single straight women) needs to know!

anandamide:

Actually I feel you did a very good job describing what you find very special about your husband. Thank you by the way too, for taking that time.

My hope is that my possibly/probably Aspie man will become more relaxed/comfortable/accepting of himself that he will become more like the positive things you notice in your husband (I feel that all his life he's likely condemned himself for his 'failings' i.e. finds things hard others dont' and has learned to hide it - and so - he feels he must be perfect or do nothing - and I witness his continual frustration/nervousness).

Some things I noticed too are the motor difficulties, awkward movements and self consciousness that you sort of also mentioned briefly in your post. Are motor skills not being like NTs, part of this also - or sometimes?

Also his wrists do not twist, and his ankles do not bend. Is that anything to do with this? I have no idea what or why that is. He says he was born like that. When he lies down his toes point straight up as he cannot bend his ankles that way or point his feet. I am not criticising him - only mentioning it because it may be part of something?

He's very endearing in many ways - of course, this is partly what drew me to him.

I think it must matter a lot if the person is comfotable within their Self. I think he struggles inside knowing he's 'different' than many, and feels he must be different than he is or even 'perfect' or fit in. Yet some things are hard for him and so the constant nervousness etc., and in that fever pitch it's impossible to talk to him. To his credit (I say credit, because to me this is like someone learning to speak another language), he has found ways to fit right in very well at work and in some social situations. He can even 'shmooze' when he wants to. (Of course this makes me see that no one else would imagine what I see at home.)

Those of you who are AS or Aspie... can you tell me whether you once felt that way - and did being diagnosed (by yourself or a specialist diagnostician) help you relax and feel happier? And did feeling more relaxed and happy improve your relationships with your spouse or partner?

Thanks for the insight as ever.

I've oft theorized that my AS-given ability to focus in on things that interest me would extend over to love matters as well. I can easily see myself dedicating my life 100% to someone if I love them - Haven't had the opportunity to find out though. I wish more women were as open as you seem to be!

It sounds as if that woman would be a lucky lady.

Only caveat I would offer here is that women (well, anyone but especially women...) are not always very predictable. So try not to fall into the trap of wanting to find a formula about her. Look at it as a mysterious ever changing puzzle. If you like those you will have fun trying to please another (especially NT) human being

It will take being very attentive to clues... but it can certainly be done. If she's worth her salt she will give you big points for trying this hard to please her. Just don't fall into wanting to be on target every time as that will only be frustrating to you both. It should be enjoyable.

First of all I want to say that my aspie partner doesn't mind me writing such things. Afterall, this forum is anonymous. Even if it weren't he doesn't care if I tell about him or our relationship.

I didn't notice anything different about my partner's body until we had a very unfortunate event. We had a miscarriage at five months. The baby had chromosonal difficulties. After the miscarriage I began to look at my partner in a different way. Even though the doctor told us that the miscarriage was not related to AS in some almost subconscious part of my mind I began to think that it was my partner's genetic code that had caused the miscarriage. There is no medical evidence that my partner's genetic code, or my genetic code, caused the miscarriage. The doctor tells us it was just nature. But, I guess in trying to make sense of it all, I began to study my partner, in a sort of a way, for any signs of genetic defect outside of AS. I have noticed some features that seem different. I began to notice features that I had not noticed before. Whether these things mean anything at all, I have no idea.

He does sleep with his feet pointing upward. He sleeps on his back with his legs crossed quite often. Also when he sleeps he always has his hands to his chest and his hands are curled like someone with cerebral palsy. There are parts of his body that are different too. He has very long ears that are very smooth, without alot of depth in the creases. He has remarkable feet. His feet are very long and "smooth". His feet are like the feet of an angel. I know that doesn't make much sense, but his feet are so perfect that it is as if he has never worn shoes. As well, just as you mention, the joints in his wrists and elbows don't seem to work the same way that other people's do. He seems to have alot of stiffness in his wrists and elbows so that the way his arms hang, or the way he gestures with his hands, always seems a bit ackward. Because of all these factors, I've begun to think maybe he has some level of Fragile X or other genetic difference.

When my aspie partner was born the doctor's knew right away that something was different about him. His mother was told that there was something "wrong" but that they did not know what it was. He was in institutions and foster homes to deal with his issues. "Autism" was diagnosed by various doctors. It is only in adult life that he has received the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. I think that sometimes people can have genetic differences that show up in their behavior and features, but that there is no accurate label for the genetic difference. I think that my aspie partner's genetic difference is just part of neurodiversity and that there is no label to set him apart.

We went to a specialist in Asperger's to get the updated adult diagnosis for my partner. After various tests such as IQ tests and the other tests that doctor said that my partner was the most interesting case she had ever come across. As I posted once before in this forum, he scores in the top 5% of population for abstract reasoning but has what are termed severe deficits in other areas. He also was language delayed and did not acquire a normal vocabulary for his age until about 12 years old. Some people with Asperger's DO have language delay, despite what the stereotypical description often tells us.

My aspie partner also has no wrinkles on his face. I am the most wrinkly one in the relationship, unfortunately. He seems to have eternal youth. He is often i.d.ed when he goes to buy cigarettes for me. He is over the age of 30 and yet can be mistaken for someone who is 19 years old. He never gets tense or upset. EVER. In fact, he seems in an almost perpetually happy mood.

Sometimes, not very often, if things don't go the way he thinks they should he does screech. He screeches out the words to tell me why my view is illogical. At times like that he quickly gets over the conflict and will quickly concede to my view if I am angry.

I am diagnosed with AS and crabby as hell most of the time. I am very tense and almost always very serious. My diagnosis did not help me to become more relaxed.

You are very lucky to have found such a good man. I hope to meet a nice man someday, too. (Even though it seems like I have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than finding a man). I think that the ideal man for me is aspie male. Especially one who is a late bloomer like I am. I have been around NT men and it was just horrible. I don't relate to NT men at all. Especially NT Alpha males. I don't feel like NT men respect me at all as an aspie female. I need to be around a man who has more things on his mind the how many notches he can get in his bedpost.

Thank you for explaining that to us anandamide. I feel the same way about my Aspie partner. I think Aspie men need to hear these things-there's so much said about the difficulties of relationships with an AS partner, and we never hear so much about the good points-and there are so many!

I met mine when I was 14, and have been in love with him ever since (I'm 37 now). We could not be together then as his girlfriend got pregnant, and he felt he had to stay with her. I have been married twice, both times to NT men, but neither marriage worked. I could never connect with anyone that way I did with my Aspie.

Now we're together I can't imagine how I survived without him. Even during the worst time, when we were not communicating and he was angry all the time, I never considered leaving him. (My 2nd marriage was to someone easy going and uncomplicated, and I just walked away.) I can't imagine my life without him.

anandamide: Thank you that's very helpful.

Mine sleeps like that too. With his hands curled up near his throat. Sounds like you could be describing hubby, with the feet and wrists and hands description. By the way he was born late in life to his mom and I have wondered at times whether he had a chromosomal difference too. It's amazing you mentioned Fragile X. A family friend's brother has this and I have not heard any details about it but it popped to mind yesterday... as something to also look into.

AmeliaJane: Once again I am not here to complain or malign him. I am here to understand him. Point taken?

Popsicle... I was not including you among the complainers! I've been to some forums where all they do is complain, and there's not much talk about understanding or making it work. I didn't belong there, and neither do you.

I'm very excited to find people in here who feel the same as me about their Aspie men. But the reason I came to this forum was to share my experiences and maybe help other people to acheive the kind of relationship we have. When I first realised my partner had AS I went to that other forum and it frightened me-there was so much negativity. I was basically told to give up, and let go of anything I wanted from my life. I was never going to accept that.

Every Aspie, and every relationship is different. But if there's anything I can do to help I will.

Someties, though, all I can offer is a hug... ((((((((((((((((((Popsicle)))))))))))))))))