Thinking about disclosing my AS on OKCupid.

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Jono
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25 Jan 2011, 4:18 pm

Alright, so I've been a member on OKCupid since September 2010, that's 5 months now. I haven't gotten to meet a single person in that time and only had promising conversations with 2 people. After Grisha's success, I'm now thinking about trying to experiment with disclosing AS myself, although I highly doubt that mine will be as successful as his. In fact, I still think it might lower my chances. However, I don't think I've got anything to lose since I'm not really successful anyway. I've sent messages to a few more people, so I'm going to wait at least until the weekend, just in case.

What do you think?



jamesongerbil
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25 Jan 2011, 5:04 pm

May as well! What have you to lose? Perhaps you'll get lucky?



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25 Jan 2011, 5:06 pm

At least that if you do, your future date would know what to expect, right?



aliensyndrome
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25 Jan 2011, 5:35 pm

I think it's a good idea to "scare someone away" sooner than later because it's better than wasting your time and getting excited about something to have it fall apart eventually rather than just not happen at all.

I got frustrated with trying to communicate on there so now I am just a troll who acts silly/asks ridiculous questions and I enjoy the site much more.



Jono
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25 Jan 2011, 6:28 pm

BottleCap wrote:
At least that if you do, your future date would know what to expect, right?


Somehow, I doubt that I'll have a future date whether I disclose my AS or not.



Jono
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25 Jan 2011, 6:38 pm

aliensyndrome wrote:
I think it's a good idea to "scare someone away" sooner than later because it's better than wasting your time and getting excited about something to have it fall apart eventually rather than just not happen at all.

I got frustrated with trying to communicate on there so now I am just a troll who acts silly/asks ridiculous questions and I enjoy the site much more.


Except that the "someone getting scared away" could also be someone who would otherwise have accepted later on, despite my AS. I didn't disclose it before because I didn't think there was any benefit in disclosing my AS, especially if the person reading my profile didn't know what it was. I thought, and still do think, that it would of just turned off people who otherwise of been compatible. However since I'm not getting dates anyway, I don't think it makes much difference. I suspect that I won't get any replies at all when I disclose my AS, whereas I at least got a few replies before.



Grisha
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25 Jan 2011, 6:43 pm

It's certainly true that things picked up quite a bit since I decided to experiment with prominently disclosing my AS. I also did extensive revisions to my profile which may have also contributed.

I've been very pleasantly surprised with how much knowledge there seems to be out there about the condition as well as how understanding and accomodating women have been about it.

So based on my experience I would definitely recommend it.

In terms of your apparent disappointment with the volume you've been getting, I should point out that I live in a highly populated area so that may me working to my advantage as well.

You should at least give it a try... good luck!



Jono
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25 Jan 2011, 6:57 pm

Grisha wrote:
It's certainly true that things picked up quite a bit since I decided to experiment with prominently disclosing my AS. I also did extensive revisions to my profile which may have also contributed.

I've been very pleasantly surprised with how much knowledge there seems to be out there about the condition as well as how understanding and accomodating women have been about it.

So based on my experience I would definitely recommend it.

In terms of your apparent disappointment with the volume you've been getting, I should point out that I live in a highly populated area so that may me working to my advantage as well.

You should at least give it a try... good luck!


Johannesburg is a large city, so you'd think that it's quite populated as well. However, there just aren't that many from here who are signed up on OKCupid. I'll at least wait until Saturday or Sunday to do it though.

Thank's anyway.



greenturtle74
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25 Jan 2011, 8:47 pm

I say disclose it. I've not met anyone either and only messaged people as friends - my success hasn't really changed before and after disclosing. But I still say it's worth it. Honesty is a good thing.



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25 Jan 2011, 10:59 pm

Jono wrote:
Alright, so I've been a member on OKCupid since September 2010, that's 5 months now. I haven't gotten to meet a single person in that time and only had promising conversations with 2 people. After Grisha's success, I'm now thinking about trying to experiment with disclosing AS myself, although I highly doubt that mine will be as successful as his. In fact, I still think it might lower my chances. However, I don't think I've got anything to lose since I'm not really successful anyway. I've sent messages to a few more people, so I'm going to wait at least until the weekend, just in case.

What do you think?


Jono,

Your tenacity is to be admired! I think going for full disclosure is a good way to go - End of the day be proud of who and what you are!

Go Get 'Em Tiger! Watch out women of Johannesburg!

Leslie



MCalavera
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26 Jan 2011, 1:50 am

Jono wrote:
Alright, so I've been a member on OKCupid since September 2010, that's 5 months now. I haven't gotten to meet a single person in that time and only had promising conversations with 2 people. After Grisha's success, I'm now thinking about trying to experiment with disclosing AS myself, although I highly doubt that mine will be as successful as his. In fact, I still think it might lower my chances. However, I don't think I've got anything to lose since I'm not really successful anyway. I've sent messages to a few more people, so I'm going to wait at least until the weekend, just in case.

What do you think?


If you decide to go ahead and mention that you have AS, then make sure you say it because you want the other person to know what you have exactly ... and not because you want to sound like a victim to be pitied and "loved" out of pity.



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26 Jan 2011, 7:05 am

I will give my input on this subject since it directly adds to how I dealt with things..

I used to not say anything about having anything remotely said about as(didn't know i had it or even thought about it in the past.. just thought i was crazy..) a possible way of telling people what i am and how i react to things. Sometimes people would ask me why do i always wear sunglasses in images and so on.

So When i would talk to someone online about hooking up or dating or dying together within the 1st couple hrs or days depending on how things are going i will disclose that I have ASD. Some of these people are like wtf is that to ooh I know someone who has it. So i try and tell them all the things that are bad about AS because i don't want them to say later that i didn't warn them of this or of that so i give them worse case scenarios on what may happen, even if the possibility that it wont they can see that sometimes some things can happen..

Most of the time this scares many of the people away, but i have found someone who says she likes me for me and would never change me for the world. She says she loves the way i am more different than other people she has met. She states that me being different is what makes her like me so much because i am not the same cookie cutter idiot she runs into.. We are supposed to get married in the next couple of months. So I do think it is good to disclose you have AS so when something "stupid" happens on your part the person will know about why and maybe help you through the situation in a better way than just sitting there going duhhhh??

I would definitely in my situation it was a good idea, but results may vary.



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26 Jan 2011, 11:50 am

I'd be honest from the start. I'd rather put people off than end up with feelings for someone who then didn't stick around when they found out. I've been in a relationship before I knew about my AS and they weren't very sympathetic about my oddities and it turned out very badly because I was lead to believe I had some terrible things wrong with me and was useless and I'd try to be different and of course couldn't...



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26 Jan 2011, 12:29 pm

Grisha wrote:
I've been very pleasantly surprised with how much knowledge there seems to be out there about the condition as well as how understanding and accomodating women have been about it.

So based on my experience I would definitely recommend it.
!


My experience is they don't. They assume aspergers is a form of learning difficulty. This include most psychologists, doctors, social workers and even a few autism experts. They don't realise that they only get into contact with people with AS with special needs. That is not representative of all people with aspergers. None of them has been on a asperger get together, none have the time.

Don't do it on dating websites unless you receive tones of messages and need to filter them down, or on a free dating website and willing to wait for them to reply to you by email and only using it as secondary way of finding someone.

Image



Space
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26 Jan 2011, 12:45 pm

disclosure should happen @ 3 months or more into the relationship. Anything less and you're just sabotaging yourself ... so no, never put as on your profile, ever, if you ever want a relationship ...



Aspie_Chav
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26 Jan 2011, 12:56 pm

Space wrote:
disclosure should happen @ 3 months or more into the relationship. Anything less and you're just sabotaging yourself ... so no, never put as on your profile, ever, if you ever want a relationship ...


This would be better.