he freaked out on me :(

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I'm neurotypical--fairly bad adhd sufferer (female) and really shy around men. I understand that I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but think the man I'm interested in, basically just a colleague, may have Asperger's syndrom. If he doesn't, he does at least have the trouble with the opposite sex that I am reading about on these forums. He takes the literal meaning of what I say, so I am trying to be better about understanding and treating him well. He is crazy shy with women his age (we're both mid 30's), to the point of putting his head down and blushing and having difficulty responding.

Before I get any further in this: he and I have a LOT of the same problems with the opposite sex. I am not terribly understanding of others' emotions and cues, which some attribute to my ADHD. I just teach for a living and spent a long time working on it. It took me to about age thirty to be able to figure out if a guy was hitting on me. I have a really hard time flirting. Usually when I get hit on I don't respond normally. I act a bit like he does: I start shaking and blushing and have to run and hide in another room to the point where it isn't normal. He's never been kissed ... we're both virgins. I get where he's coming from on some deep level and this makes me care about him a whole lot. I might be too invested. I'm willing to admit that. It's just that he's so good that I might feel spoiled for another kind of person. Does that make any sense?

I just ... let me be really clear. I love the way he is. To me these things about him make him attractive and deeply precious. I don't even know if he realizes how much I enjoy being around him, as scary and awkward as it is for both of us. But I'm an extrovert and I know I can be kind of loud and passionate, and I know that I can freak him out on occasion without meaning to.

So long story short. We were supposed to go out, and he just ... freaked out on me. It was planned for a week, and it was really hard to because I KNEW he wouldn't like going to the one pub-type place we have in this small town. I just couldn't think of where to take him (Hello, I've never dated either.) I guess what happened was I made the mistake of mentioning it in front of someone else. All I said was "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, J"--and he just lost it. "OKAY." "Do you know what time?" I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO LOOK AT MY CALENDAR." Then right before the fact he sent me a long email about how he had too much work to do and basically couldn't socialize. Anyone else it would have been appallingly rude. But in this case I think he really thought he could manage it but he just couldn't. I'm not mad at him. I am just SO sorry that I bothered him without meaning to. I told him I was sorry, which was probably wrong, because I can tell he doesn't like emotional conflict ... but I was pretty sad. I couldn't stop crying for almost a day. I am not made for being lighthearted about these kinds of things, I'm afraid.

Do you have any tips about how I should treat him in future? We work together. I am not the kind of woman who tries to make other people do what I want: really, I'm TOO passive in life, in all kinds of ways. I wouldn't have pushed him for a second date. In fact, I tried to be really clear the first time that I wouldn't ask him if he didn't want.
But I am just devastated to have messed this up. I really want for us to be friends. I know it sounds really stupid, but he just lights up my world. I will be okay with loving him from a distance and moving on, but I want to make sure I do not treat him badly. If I take away my own hurt, which I think is secondary in this instance, all I care about is that he feels okay and is happy.

Thanks in advance if you read any of that! I know it's long! R.

The fact that you work together would be a huge red flag to me; I know it can be difficult to meet people else where, but if you think it's awkward now, imagine what it'd be like if he freaked out after you'd been dating for ages and were heartbroken! (there was a woman on here a while ago in a similar situation- I'll try and dig out that thread for you).



Kind of. But it also seems like you're caring for him because he's like you/you find him fascinating rather than because you genuinely have a spark together. It sounds a little like a one-sided crush on your part- I mean, what efforts has he made to get to know and nurture you? (sorry for being blunt)



It was apallingly rude.

Please don't blame yourself for being nice! Also, until he explains to you why he bailed on you, don't try and find excuses for him; take him at his word until he says otherwise and definitely don't ask him out again (btw, if he's an aspie, whilst it was still rude of him to bail on you suddenly, he may have meant the email to have sounded much more convincing that it comes across- if you're feeling charitable towards him, you could just pretend to believe it)


I don't think you hurt him. Nobody gets hurt when someone asks them out. Flattered yes, embarrassed or befuddled, maybe, but as lasting-psychological damage goes, I think he'll get over it. If you can move on too then I'd really recommend it- don't bang your head against a wall (there are plenty of people who like extroverts and don't freak out, including other aspies)

In future, maybe avoid him for a little while till you get over the crush/embarrassement and if you have to deal with him, be polite and professional; it'll probably blow over in a couple of weeks.

This seems to be a difficult situation. Since you're both shy and nervous around the opposite sex, neither of you is really wanting to pursue. I don't know if the guy has AS or not. It could simply be social anxiety or social phobia. Watch for the other traits like obsessive special interests, stimming, not making eye contact, etc.

It sounds like he may not want his colleagues to find out he's dating a coworker. There are a number of reasons for this. He may think his boss will not approve and it will affect his chances for promotion. There may be a company policy against dating coworkers (most are not enforced due to companies unwillingness to fire someone and risk a lawsuit over it). He may just not want to deal with snide comments and such from coworkers. If he works in a mostly male office, it's quite likely he's been given a hard time about not having a girl and, if anyone knows, being a 30+ y/o virgin. If you want to find out how he really feels about you, you need to get AWAY from this environment. Since you live in a small town, I'd avoid the one pub place because if you run into someone from work, it creates the same problem. I suspect that this guy may want to keep your relationship a secret. This is the most likely reason for his strange reaction. Are there any larger towns within reasonable driving distance. Is there one pub in the next town down the road. There are all sorts of tactics for keeping a relationship on the down low for work purposes. IF you trust this man and are wanting romance, consider going to his house or inviting him over. That will take all the other social stresses out of the equation and leave just the two of you. If you already talk and know each other well, then you're probably at the good friends stage and just need to get him in an environment where he feels totally comfortable and you can talk about your feelings. If he's blushing and looking down when talking to you, it's a dead giveaway he's attracted to you. If he just wants to be friends, he'll probably not do those things, and talk to you casually like he would a friend. If he's not interested in you 'that way', he'll probably turn down any future date requests at any location. That's probably how you can get an idea.

Thank You for so much good advice <3 I really, truly appreciate it.

@Zur-Darkstar:

Check. Then again, I do similar things, too (ADHD, I guess ... only focus on one thing at a time :/).

@Lene,



I have always thought/ noticed this, too, and from conventional wisdom, but I also notice that it's much more difficult to sort out when both (disparate) parties have the issues I'm describing. I'm not sure if "fascinated" is the right word in my case; it just feels right to be around him. It It started because I caught him staring at me; he said my name before I actually knew who he was. It seemed like it was easier for him to like me from a distance. Later, things flipped and I was the one doing the staring--but because I personally have the same issues, that's a pretty typical pattern for me.

I don't know how to explain this better: I know that, for both sides, it is a courage issue. I know that the product of being passive is continually feeling bad. Maybe I'm not the person who's meant to be with, but I know that normalizing is a better solution than holding oneself aloof. I'm not much of a dreamer--I kind of wish I were--but I need to hope that kindness and feeling at ease is possible. I am kind of a bitter person; however, I feel that hope is precious.

@Zur-Darkstar ...



YES. It's hard. There are always other people around. We teach, so it's not quite as you're describing, but the small work/ small town environment is like middle school. I never feel like we can have a normal conversation because there are so many people around, and, yes, he acts embarrassed like it IS middle school. Then again, private can be worse without some understanding. Sometimes he is very sweet to me. Sometimes he just freaks out, loses all sign of affect, and can't even look at me. I feel like by asking him to have a beer and trying to be normal about it I have set the whole process of getting to know him better all the way back to the beginning. I feel terrible about this---yes of course I am probably more invested than he is. I just feel very strongly that both of us are worth this effort. Maybe someday that will change, but you have to follow your lights sometimes. Thank You both for being so considerate of me with your answers.

Sorry for the addendum ... @ Lene

Yes, I totally take him at his word. He's the one person I know where I'd think he IS that worried about work and related issues that he'd think he simply couldn't do it and that that would be sufficient. It just ... yeah. I was undoubtedly too psyched up because he seemed flattered and to think it would be nice to come along. Anyway ...

I still think he was very rude to bail out at the last second, Aspie or no, but you sound like you know him well enough to know that he's not always like that.

At least you had the guts to ask him out anyway, so you're not left guessing, but perhaps for the moment take this as a 'not interested in relationship sign'.

You've lost nothing though; you both fancied each other and now are both friends/co-workers.