Are male aspies scared of marriage?

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This is an old thread but ongoing reality worth exploring. (I'm an atypical NT (Bugaloo) woman of the well-experienced kind who fell for an Aspie with unknown outcome - and have been pondering ships and relating).

Intimacy is not just about genitals, in fact, sex starts in the BRAIN. Intimacy is mind and heart and spirit. Committed relationship is about being partners on a shared ship, it's about partnership. As for sex before commitment (legal or not), well, if you are mature enough, it's possible to develop intimacy while restraining the sexual side - it can feel very sexy in fact IF you are consciously working with redirecting your energy. It's a warrior path, that's for sure. I've divided tidbits into numeric sections for easy reference:

1. Sex is basic to all animals (bugs included), but awesome sexual mastery is very rare Most men, Aspies included, have been conditioned to be masturbators rather than to have real sexual mastery, so, in romantic relationship, a guy has to really change gears if he has any hope of being a truly awesome lover. A woman who loves her man may never tell him he sucks as a lover, and, unless she is fully grown, she may not even know what she's missing. Fortunately for Aspies, enjoying their own company can result in plenty of time to study up on taoist/yogic sexual practices... (i.e. Mantak Chia's book "The Multi-orgasmic Man/Couple"and "Male Multiple Orgasm" by Somraj Pokras). This is not about suffering with blue-balls and angst - it's about real techniques and a meditative mindset that redirects the energy in ways that feel REALLY GOOD. This is actually an area where Aspies can have an advantage *if* it is of interest.

2. Once one has reached a certain level of maturity - a level which is very rare these days - instant or near-instant gratification is rather boring actually, (most of the time). For the truly grown up person, there is great value in postponing sex, and there is a different brain chemistry to physical togetherness and affection when it is respectful and restrained (tons of oxytocin rather than dopamine - oxytocin creates loving feelings and partnership, dopamine is a power surge high that usually leaves you feeling, em, wasted and bored).

3. Besides this, listen up dudes, is the fact that truly there is no "safe" sex for a female. Guys are generally not taught to consider this. There is no 100% effective contraception besides a lady having a surgery that often creates lots of other physical issues. Plus, females who are ready for partnership can get really bonded via sexual intimacy, and that can create lots of mental stress with an uncommitted tomcat. So, for some people who are mature enough to wrap their brains around it, marriage/commitment is a noble framework.

4. Many, if not most, men have been conditioned with the relationship expectation that women are supposed to be available for sex 24/7 (committed or uncommited), for mere tension-release, with little value for meaning or merging beyond that. But a man who knows how to make love with a real woman is one who discovers that it's way more than getting off - it's an experience that shows you that one woman has, in fact, many many inner dimensions, faces, facets. She's lots of women in one, if you have what it takes to be with her long enough to find out!

5. Sex with mutual presence (a la Eckart Tolle) is a mind-blowing expansion that takes several hours and satisfies you BOTH for at least a week.

6. Sex is fire, sex is cellular energy (it can make a new human). If we want to experience life more than just as animals, we learn to respect sex: sex with yourself, and sex with another. We are free to remain animal-driven - it's easier in the short-term - but there's the option to be a whole lot more than that, whether alone or with with a dedicated partner.

...you could call it enlightened sexuality.

I'm looking quite forward to being married; I would marry Megz in a hummingbird heartbeat if it wasn't impractical with our life circumstances at the moment. I'm far from a stereotypical Aspie guy thou; I have some codependent characteristics(I'm dependent, not good at making decisions for myself & I feel lost when I'm alone by myself)

In a hummingbird heartbeat... Awwww, that is precious! Thank you for teaching me a new descriptive :0

Tell Megz at least, when the time is right...

I've been listening to Katy Perry a lot.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_o4Fqq3vxc&hd=1[/youtube]

LOL at people who think Aspie men are scared of marriage, because they aren't married.

Um, what about the fact that we can't find a girlfriend in the first place, hmm? I'd be all too happy to marry if someone would actually give me a chance for once.

I agree except I don't feel ''flawed'',well perhaps I do in regards to getting into a romantic relationship.I just don't think I am inherently built to be someone's long term partner.Social interactions are not easy for me and I need an incredible amount of downtime to recover from them.I think I make an ideal boyfriend not a husband..

Can't people be teams/partnerships and have "spaces in the togetherness" (Kahlil Gibran).

Committed relationship is what people make it.

There are many successful examples of marriage out there for Aspies, if one looks...

It is helpful to first establish one's own self-sufficient life, THEN grow into sharing that life with someone else with whom one has shared values and some shared goals.

Decompression and downtime need to be part of any relationship, imho. Cling-on partnerships are rather scary, in more ways than one.

Everyone needs downtime and recharge. As a healthy, naturally menstruating female, there is about one week a month when I really really prefer to set my own schedule, stay up late doing my projects or reading books, and tune out other people... Also, the most fertile day or two of the cycle a woman also has a lot of creative energy that can go into personal focus, if it is not being lavished on a partner. Some say that the male sensitivity/shadow is like menstruating every day, thus the need for the Mancave.

Aspie males have to make huger sacrifices to be in a committed relationship, as they need to be willing to check-in or send carrier pidgeons or have prepaid automatic floral deliveries to maintain communication with their Significant Other, even if she is under the same roof.

It can all be sorted, there are lots of resources these days for Aspie relationships.... The question is: do you feel a desire for a mate by your side at night, and here and there in life...

When you see pairs of birds in nature, do you ever feel a tug like "Where's My Bird???" Of course you do. As to if it's just a bird, or a Bird, or a BIRD - well, that depends on your own self-esteem and self-knowledge. Most birds in nature are monagamous partners. And penguins males push stones great distances to the feet of their intended as a sign of courtship. So, it seems pretty ecological. There are chimpanzees (who are community-oriented and monagamou)s, and bonobos (who are dionysion polyamorys) and there are hermaphroditic earthworms too. But birds represent the spirit, going back to ancient cultures, so, I find it easier to just use a bird metaphor :0

The benefits of healthy committed relationships are many, the risks & disadvantages of unhealthy relationships are many. Committed relationship offers a chance to create a masterpiece, but it is not for the fainthearted, that's for sure.

edited: ANCIENT thread.

I'm scarred of marriage because my parents argued a lot it has nothing to do with my autism, I just don't want to marry someone only to end in divorce in a few years...it would be depressing...and pointless.

I'm not scared - i just don't want to.

I've been married, and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't imagine ever doing anything like that again.

Yes, aspies are unique among humans in their fear of marriage. NTs approach marriage without reservations because their brains have been infected with a parasite that can only be spread by a contract binding two people in matrimony.

Ahaaa.. i see what you did there

Loneliness is very painful.

Some people believe that they are compassionate, but prove to be self-centred. I think because as you get older you learn more and more how to look after your own interests because of the fear that you will be used or abused again. But this poses a problem. The last person I dated was looking after their own interests and was judgemental of me, before asking questions.

I have encountered this with one of my son's parents, teachers at the school, and a best friend. It's like an epidemic! I don't know why people are so judgemental without exploring other possibilities. It puts me in a position where I am to explain myself and prove I am not guilty of their judgement of me.

When I have a problem with a person I like to ask them what's going on. But in "personal" relationships I'm just as crap. I'd rather bolt at the first sign of something possibly bad. So I'm struggling, with people, and with myself because I'm not practising what I'm preaching!

The point I'm making is people get sceptical, bitter, exhausted, and cannot trust or have limited trust. I complain about other people but I'm just the same.

When I had my "big" relationship, I fell in love too. I was always scared of commitment, but I started to see commitment as an adventure, and suddenly understood many reasons why people get married. It's something you give to the one you love. I think I was an exceptional person back then. My trust was completely broken in this relationship. She always talked about her commitment, and was pushy sometimes, forcing me to prove things to her.. I either took it as what I needed to do to love her (which I was committed to) or I used to feel sorry for her and her past (I let it go and supported her through her pain and fear). I thought we had "an understanding".. turned out, it was all a lie. She was a truly selfish person who was never committed and just wanted me for sex, cleaning/cooking and cheaper rent. Anything she hated about herself or life would get taken out on me. But everything she said or did always got "spun", you know, how the politicians do. It was hard to see with clarity. I didn't always trust my instincts when I should have done. I never prevented her from having any freedoms. I believe love isn't about poccession. Love is caring, nurturing, supportive, freeing even? I was always lied to about who I was in this relationship. I was totally confused by her.. as you can imagine. I was a sponge because I was naive and vulnerable and eager to learn what love was.

Now I find that I meet people who are like me, but they don't trust me either! It's extreemly ironic. But I'm not laughing. It's very sad. I'm very lonely. All I want is a companion.. peace, freedom, respect, mutual support. I want to be part of a "team". I don't find these qualities acted out in half of the good people I know anymore, whereas these people wouldn't have hestitated in being loving in the past. Life has messed them up.

It's very sad, and if someone who feels this way isn't willing to even talk about it it's even worse! Lack of communication and openness is a solid barrier to other possibilities. All I can put it down to is fear. Which I understand very well.

On another note! (If I many continue?!?!)
I am usually the more feminine one in the partnership. But I seem to get stereotyped by my partners. They think I want all the stuff women are supposed to want and that I expect it of them. They like to be the one who is afraid of commitment, and afraid to be vulnerable, and less demonstrative. Sometimes I almost believe it is a game for them, to put me at a ploar opposite to them. I am not seen as sceptical or afraid of committment, even after I've shared the information with them that I am. My fears and vulnerabilities are completely ignored. Including the vulnerabilities that ebing the more feminine one brings. They seem to think they are the only one's who are vulnerable or taking risks. If there's a problem they are the first to bolt. I'm sick of being stereotyped, unheard and ignored by women who themselves are stereotyped, unheard and ignored, and should know better! Yes, I look like a straight girl, but I'm not a straight girl, and I get lots of issues, same as they do, for being a lesbian, and not fitting in with society on two levels!! ! Why am I not precious to them? Surely, I would be a good woman to understand what it is to love them? But why is it ALL about them? Apparently, what I am is phooey.

Aspergers helped me to be vulnerable and naive. My bad decision was to ignore my instincts. Next time I'll pay attention to them.

As I don't appear very aspie to some, I hate the fear that someone would leave me because I told them about aspergers. I also have the fear that if I don't tell them I have aspergers then they will just think I'm a regular weirdo. Either way, I'm an issue. I hate that.

All I want is someone understanding. I think many of us do need and crave someone who is patient and understanding. And someone we can trust, whom we know won't take advantage of us. This is before even considering Love! That person has to love us, otherwise perhaps they are just someone who gets off on "helping" someone "less than" themselves. I don't want to get into a relationship like that. That's why I need double time, doube patience now! I need to be sure. And I don't need them to get angry with me for needing time. I want someone to like me who I am as a person. Not because I make them look good or something (I am pretty). That's another reason I'm lonely. I'm pretty so that's the first thing that people are attracted too. It annoys me, because in my case it's like I don't exist inside. I am a feminist too. Nobody seems to expect that. No one expects a pretty feminine woman to have a personality, intelligence, be lesbian or sceptical, etc.
Not even the more masculine women who are used to prejuduice!! !

The person I last dated I suspect had aspergers, but did not think beyond surface. They may have been thinking I was a weird or crazy NT, as they are used to meeting. It made me feel very lonely and misunderstood. I've moved on fine and everything, it's just that now and again when I remember her I get very sad. If only communication had been better. We could have been good friends. I miss our chats and she used to make me laugh. These things mattered to me, they enlivened me, and resepected her, she was smart. I don't expect anyone to be in a relationship with me. Why would I? That would be to prevent personal choice. I've always felt that way. I hate it when people run away from me like I'm clingy, when actually I just genuinely care about people, and would never trap or oblige them. This is one of my greatest frustrations.

So right now all I know is... I want to be civil partnered or in a life relationship.. but there are so many barriers I'm not even thinking about what it is I really want! I'm just avoiding what I don't want! At least I'm getting my work done!! !


soundofrain

"Aspies don't need a cure, they just need understanding." - A W.P. poster

"No one will ever understand you. Realizing this is freedom. No one will ever understand you - not once, not ever. Even at our most understanding, we can only understand OUR STORY of who you are. There's no understanding here on earth except your own." - Byron Katie, spiritual teacher