Need some advice about someone I meet though an online site.

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Ok, back in April I meet someone from match.com. We went out a few times, after the thrid date she told me the next weekend she had plans but would like to get together with me the weekend after. Even thou we were not getting together that coming week, I called her to see how she was doing. I got her answering machine I left a message saying basically "this is Ken, i know you are said you were busy this weekend, I just wanted to call and chat and see how your week is going. Hope to talk later. bye" Then I never heard back from her. I live about an hour away from her, all 3 times, I drove up to meet her, she never came to meet me. She said she did not feel comfortable coming down my way yet. After I did not hear back from her, she changed her ad to say she was only looking for people within her town.
So tonight I put up my personal ad on another site, and when I do a search, Her ad comes up there as well. This ad says she is looking for someone farther away, within my boundery. My question is, should I try and contact her again or just let things be?

Last edited by KenM on 10 Jul 2006, 4:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'd let it be, it sounds like she's dodging you.

Her loss then. I just wish she would have had the guts to tell me it was not working out instead of dodging me.

I've got a girl "dodging" me right at this very moment, so I know how it feels.

According to one of my female friends, this is standard practice in most cases, although I think it also depends on how close you got.

Btw, at least she isn't trying to dodge you at the same time as getting you to bring male friends to her party. That girl was so obviously using me. No that's not the most recent one. That was strike 1, now I'm on strike 2

A lot of girls think if they tell you outright they aren't interested or the friendship won't work, you will get your feelings hurt and that would be just awful. So they dodge. In their defense - a reason, though not an excuse - a woman never knows if a man she's decided not to see any more might get violent. It is very rare, but when it happens, it can be deadly. But mostly it's being too squeamish to say it to your face.

I think women should be up front about it and not dodge. I find I get more hurt when I am led on.

Most people prefer the doge approach. You shoulda made her come to visit you. I wouldn't put up with driving an hour just to see someone who wouldn't do the same to me.

Ken, this girl is no longer interested, and she doesn't want to admit it to you directly. At the same time, she's too chicken even to dodge you without pretending not to - thus the "boundary" game.

I admit to dodging guys I've dated. The reason is that some men I have rejected directly have become hostile and argumentative. I prefer silence to being harangued and pushed to present a strong case regarding why I don't want to date somebody. It's almost like the guy thinks that if I don't win the argument, I'll have to date him again!

On the other hand, I think someone you've interacted with to the extent of meeting them in person three times deserves an honest rejection at the very least. Not only that, but if a guy has made it through three dates, he's probably polite enough not to be a jerk about it. You never know, though; and maybe this girl has had some bad experiences that way. I'm not saying that makes it okay; I'm saying that could be why.

In general, silent rejection has become standard online dating practice, probably for just this sort of reason. Dodging simply comes with the online territory, whether or not you think it's right or fair. It's something you have to learn to live with if you want to play the game.

Re the distance factor, I personally would want the guy to be the one to travel. I can see why you wouldn't want to invest a significant amount of travel time and expense in someone who's likely to fizzle, though. You could go the first time to see if there's a spark, but then wait awhile before going again. In the interim, you could try to gauge how and whether she continues to respond to you in chat and/or on the phone.

On the other hand, an hour's drive is really not that major in Internet dating land. Some people get on airplanes for this, you know. Imagine how annoyed you'd be if she'd lived in British Columbia!

Thats what I thought as well. It would be one thing if I just emailed her once through the dating site and she did not respond, then she is not interested, I can understand that. But I would think after 3 dates and its not working out, not just give someone the cold shoulder but let them know.
So i guess I'll do what everyone else does and not say anything when its not working out in a relationship, I'll just walk away and not say anything.
I really hate this game playing crap. I tell people upfront to be honest with me and tell me how things are going, that i'll be more upset if someone lies to me or does not say anything when its not working out. *SIGH*

Well, I wouldn't take that as a general rule. There really are times when talking can help a lot. But the cold shoulder should be met with the cold shoulder, for sure.



I hear you. I tell people quite openly that I miss a lot of things I should probably pick up on in relationships; that I need them to tell me what's going on directly, rather than expecting me to suss it out; and that if they want to know what I meant by something, they should first consider the literal meaning of what I said.

A lot of guys seem delighted by this little spiel, but I often still end up baffled; and they often still end up acting on the basis of what they think I must secretly have meant, rather than what I actually said. It can be very frustrating, and I feel like I can never relax and stop watching for this. Then, when I do relax - or sometimes even if I don't - the misunderstandings start.

I'd love to meet someone I can just communicate with directly. Life can be difficult and complicated enough without this kind of nonsense. I guess this is what we get for dating people from another planet.

If you apply for a job, you get an interview and they like what they hear/see, and tell you they'll call you back to tell you if you've been hired or not, then it is naturally rude of the employer not to call. It is the same with women. I have seen far too many times when women tell you they'll call and they never do.

Yes, I'm still somewhat bitter about something that happened last year, with regards to a girl (non-romantic) e-mailing me several times telling me she would call me and then never calling. That is a very rude thing to do to someone that you are already friends with (we'd been friends over three years by then), especially when they're depressed as I was at the time. No explanation, and she wonders why she was hurt.