Destructive Patterns

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I am trying very hard to break a destructive pattern that I see happening in my relationship. I get upset, he withdraws..I get more upset..he withdraws more.

I think he knows withdrawing upsets me, I have told him. I know that he will walk away from what he perceives as an argument, he has told me.

We have gotten better at addressing issues, and have had some success in conflict resolution. He grits his teeth and faces it. I take deep breathes to calm myself and make sure that I do not say anything hurtful. For six months we have been successful at doing this.

However, it has happened again. I was calm, he still withdrew and then I got angry. This is especially hurtful because we do not live in the same state, we just saw each other two weeks ago and had a wonderful visit. I was hoping that the good times would help us to feel closer and to be even better at resolving conflicts.

My question is this. I sense that showing him any level of emotion even if it is not anger right now will make him withdraw more. I believe that telling him I'm sad, hurt, or miserable or anything like that will only keep him away. My old pattern would have been to get angry once again that he didn't care I was feeling sad and so the pattern would continue. Then we would go a long time without talking because I would stop reaching out to him. Eventually I might send him something rather neutral and he would respond. Then quickly he would become romantic again.

I'm thinking that I can speed up the process of us reconnecting, by sending a neutral message after a couple of days that he will be more capable of responding to, than an emotional one. Something like "How's the weather there? It snowed here and its freezing." Anyone have any thoughts on this plan?? I really want to figure out how to stop this pattern, but he has his ways and I have mine and sometimes we struggle.

Oh and I did send him a cute little Valentine's Day card, with some pretty sexy pics enclosed sprayed with my vanilla perfume that he loves. Hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

From my experience, certain overly emotional events can be overwhelming to some aspies. It's not necessarily the content or even the specific emotion involved, it's just that there's too much of it. On the other hand, aspies can also be quite emotional themselves, and have to work hard at maintaining some level of control over it. An emotional barrage from outside can disrupt the concentration needed to keep one's own emotions at bay.

Definitely try to send an unrelated message like that weather comment. Something he can respond to, so his mind isn't all caught up in said emotions.

If one doesn't face conflicts, they don't get resolved. If they don't get resolved, the problems continue to exist.

Have you tried confronting him about issues in a non-emotional way?

Hi thank you for your responses!

I have tried confronting him in a non emotional way, and we have had some success. But I think we both get frustrated because we think we have worked through a situation, but then it appears we have not.

I think it is still hard for me to understand how much he struggles with certain things. In the beginning he would try to explain why he didn't text me back or something like that and he would say "I don't do it on purpose" I kept assuming he was apologizing and would get better at responding. I now know that he wasn't exactly planning on getting better about it, because he really doesn't do it on purpose.

The same with the shutdowns, he tried to explain to me that he gets these worries and anxieties about family members and that then he doesn't contact anyone, not his friends, family or me. He said "I would tell you why I do this, honestly I would if I knew." He does say he will get better about those, because he knows how much they upset me, especially when he is taking me to the airport and I get anxious about him withdrawing.

I didn't understand any of this and I had to do alot of research. I don't even know if he knows about AS. I told him once in an email, I don't even know if he read that one. So in the beginning we had some rough times with me totally confused and him feeling like he was failing. It seems that those negative experiences are always in the back of our minds.

The distance bothers him and he will pull away and say that he wishes things were different. I will remind him that things can be different, if he communicates more with me. I can't exactly move to a different state for someone who disappears. He promises that he will communicate more. It is a struggle for him.

When I am with him, he talks and talks. He is at ease with me and has no problem being very affectionate with me. I think we are making progress. For the first couple of days after my return home he is very sweet and then he withdraws.

I think he is used to me getting upset with him and then our negative pattern begins again. I make videos for him. He likes to see me talking to him. They have always been very happy and upbeat and I blow kisses to him and smile alot. This time I made one explaining something that upset me. He has never seen me upset in person. Only emails, voicemails or texts. I didn't yell or curse or say anything rude. But I have very expressive eyes and I looked upset. He sent me a text saying "Im so sorry to have hurt you. I really feel so bad right now." I told him that I didn't want for him to feel badly, just fix the situation and things would be fine. I always tell him exactly how to fix the situation as well. He never responded. I waited for a couple days and then I got mad. Because I worry that a couple days will turn into a couple months and sometimes when I get scared, I act more mad than scared.

So thats where we stand now. I did send him a text saying that I apologized for getting angry that I don't wish to treat him that way, but that he knows how hard it is on me when he shutsdown in the middle of an interaction with me.

It is like a roller coaster ride and I think that makes us both anxious. I feel like I am always doubting if he will follow through on what he says he will do. I think he feels like he is always about to make a mistake. Believe it or not, we actually have made some progress although after typing this all out I realize it doesn't sound like we have made too much.

I have always sensed that he feels things very strongly even though most people would not guess that about him. When I told him what I thought, he said that I was correct. He thinks of it as a weakness and tries very hard to control it.

If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend watching the 2009 Star Trek reboot. The fact that I'm a major trekkie aside, The way they depict Spock (the alien crewmember) in that movie, moreso than in the 1960s series, shows what aspies like your partner experience (not all aspies, but people like myself and your partner experience this). It really is an emotional shitstorm, pretty much all the time, that requires a great deal of mental focus to control. The result is a personality that is fairly cold and logical on the outside, but with a great deal of energy inside. The problem arises when people try, intentionally or not, to break that emotional control. First we become uncomfortable, then we withdraw. But if we can't remove ourselves from the pressure and it does not let up, a meltdown happens. And those can get ugly, really fast.

This is the perfect way to describe him. Thank you for explaining what he is experiencing. I will definately check out the movie you mentioned as well!