Infatuation with someone other than my girlfriend.

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I'm conflicted.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. Met her in my computer programming class last fall semester here. And things have been going well. But where I thought I felt attachment to her, I'm now just not feeling it. Instead I keep thinking about someone else who I just met less than 3 weeks ago in my English class this semester. Just from talking to her in class and running into her in the lab at school before class, I'm finding I have a lot in common with her. Possibly more so than with my girlfriend, and no offense to my current girlfriend, I find this new girl to be more attractive.

And I am not one to even flirt with the idea of cheating on someone. I'm not about to make advances towards the new girl behind my girlfriends back, so If I was to do so I would need to break up with my girlfriend first. And then I run the risk of getting rejected by her even though shes being friendly now, she may not see me the same way I see her, I'm horrible at telling whether girls are just being friendly or flirtatious. So I'm just not sure what to do at this point.

Really breaking up with my girlfriend doesn't seem like a big loss to me, which is something that wouldn't have crossed my mind a month ago. The real problem with doing it is I don't want it to end badly for her, as don't get me wrong, I do still like her as a person, shes nice, and very intelligent, and I don't want her to feel betrayed. She deserves to be happy. But on the other side I don't want to string her along thinking that something more could come of this, when I'm really starting to see that this may not work out and we might not be right for each other. We still get along really well though, and I've always been hesitant to make changes in my life when the current situation is 'comfortable'. So its not an easy decision to make.

But what scares me the most is how quickly my feelings for my girlfriend have changed, or became clear to me at any rate that I'm not attached to her like I thought I was. And hypothetically is this going to happen a few months from now again if I start dating the new girl, will I meet someone else and then not feel attached to the new girl due to infatuation with someone newer? Am I capable of having a lasting attachment with someone? Its depressing to think about.

hmm, if you don't feel that attraction to your GF, and you can't see it ever coming back, theres no point staying with her. It's unfair to both of you.

If you have no more attraction to the girl you are seeing and you can't see yourself with her anymore just be honest and break up with her. It doesn't matter if the new girl you like want to date you or not, your girlfriend is going to eventually feel the distance your going to put between her and yourself and in the long run a friendship with her will be totally out of the question if it gets to that point. I've broken up with many girls before and been broken up with by a few as well, the only ones I have any type of lasting relationship with are the ones that we stopped before it got to the point where we realized we had been together for 5 months too long and should have ended it way back then. She might hate you in the short term but once she gets over the breakup stage of things and realizes you did it because you didn't wanna string her alone she'll thank you in the end.

This seems to be the real issue here. I may not really be about one girl or the other. It's about your ability to make a solid attachment. So is the reason that you suddenly find yourself not being attracted to your current girlfriend really about finding someone you're really more attracted to, or about fear of commitment?

Another good question is how into you is your current girlfriend. If she's not really into you, then a break-up might be best. But you also need to walk in her shoes. Seems like you're already stringing her along. So if you think that ending it would save her the hurt of being lead-on, sorry but it's too late for that. You must have some attraction for your first girlfriend; or else you would had never hooked-up. You need to be real about the reasons you're feeling the way you do.

Who you're with and how you get along with her and being attracted are important. But so is integrity. You're 26 years old. You can be mature about this. Being infatuated with someone who is not your girlfriend is not unusual.

Attachment and commitment take work. Work on it. And if you cant work on it right now, then don't date anybody. It wouldn't be fair to any of them.

I'm not sure if its fear of commitment or not. Whenever I begin dating someone new my thoughts always tend towards long term, I just never get there. This current relationship is the longest one I've been in. I really didn't start dating until last year anyways, so this is all new territory for me to begin with. I want a lasting relationship, I want to get married at some point. I just want it to be with the right person for me, and I'm not sure my girlfriend is that person now even though we do get along well and I still find her attractive, I just don't feel that sense of attachment to her that I should.



I've never been a good judge of that. Such as in the case of my girlfriend last year that lasted for 2 and a half months, and I thought things were going great between us, and then she dumped me because "She wanted to focus on school and didn't need a boyfriend right now", and she just wanted to be friends, only 3 months later she was dating someone else and stopped talking to me at all, removed me from her friends list on Facebook, wouldn't return my texts, etc. So much for being friends.

And really these thoughts have only just been going on for a couple days now. After going to class Tuesday evening and talking with the girl from my english class some more and then seeing my girlfriend after class I still kept thinking about the other girl. That is when I started having doubts about my current relationship, and was stewing in them all the next day. And tonight I will see them both at school again, and I find myself looking forward to talking with the new girl more.

So I don't really feel that I have been leading her on, at least not knowingly, it just took an outside catalyst for my feelings to become clear, and now that I am not feeling what I thought was there, I don't want to string her along. So I may break up with her tonight.

It's hard to say whether it's some kind of psychological problem or just the fact that your feelings have changed, which is not unusual in life. It's just one case. If this pops up 4 or 40 times, you might have a problem.

Ive known people like that but these are people who had been through scores of relationships.

When you first fall in love with a person you only see the good things about them it's probably some kind of brain chemistry thing. After awhile, that starts to wear off and you begin to see the real person who has flaws and is different from your idealized concept of that person. At that point, it starts to seem tempting to go after someone else whose flaws you have not yet discovered, but you have to remember that is an illusion, this new person has flaws you just can't see them yet, but they surely are there, no one is perfect. Think about whether you are really comparing apples to apples, or if you are comparing your idealized image of the new person to flawed person whom you already know. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't break up with your girlfriend, that's something for you to figure out. If you're young and don't have any obligations it probably doesn't matter a lot one way or the other but you should make a choice and be honest about it one way or the other rather than stringing somebody along. If you're anything like me you can't lie for s**t and if your partner is an NT she can probably tell that you seem less interested and that something is up, there's no benefit to prolonging the pain one way or the other.

I've been married for 17 years, it's not perfect, we have good times and bad times, lately work has sucked for both of us and we're under a lot of stress so things are a bit frayed around the edges, but this too shall pass. For me infatuations are kind of like having a cold, it's something that goes on for weeks or even months, but it never lasts because it's just sort of an illusion, and I know it's an illusion, so I don't try to turn it into anything. In some ways you can't control what you are attracted to, sometimes it doesn't even make any sense, and the kind of people you are attracted to may not even be a good for you. Truth be told I have a thing for goth chicks who are emotionally unstable I call them "suicide girls" they're fun to look at but it's just a fantasy and nothing more, to pursue it would just be self-destructive I have a lot to lose and little to gain. Attraction is something that you can't control but that doesn't mean you should always act on it either and lose sight of the big picture if there is one, if you're young and dating maybe there is no big picture yet.

This seems telling. Also, the 3-month mark sounds about right for the infatuation to start wearing off a little bit and for one to start seeing one's partner as a real person. It's possible that you were only infatuated with your GF when you first met her and, now that you know her better, she's just not a good match for you. If you're already bored with her after 3 months and wouldn't even care that much if you broke up, it's probably best to just break up. Otherwise, it's likely to eventually turn into a giant conflict where she starts getting upset with you for not returning her feelings in what she thinks is a "serious" relationship.

eelektrik,

Please do me a favor and think hardly before breaking up. Walk in her shoes. Talk to her about your feelings before you do.

So then I ask you, is this that you really don't find the current girlfriend to be right for you, or is it really about attachment? How long will you go out with the new girl before you start to feel like you can't form an attachment with her either? Stop and think! Don't just react. Please.

I think you should consider the situation as if the new girl weren't in the picture...would you still consider not being with your girlfriend? I think there are a lot of people who aren't genuinely happy with their significant others but they don't realize it/do anything about it until someone new and exciting comes along. Just think, "If I can't be with ________ (new girl) would I still want to break up with _____ (current girlfriend)?"