Obsession/fixation, women, and me

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Note: This is a LONG post, but if you can read through it and level with me in anyway, please do.

I am a very one track mind kind of person, probably the most one track minded person I have ever known. If I decide to seriously do something non-trivial, it becomes my sole obsession. My world as I know it is mostly defined in relation to that obsession. Before I started seriously working on bedding women, each time I've turned this obsessive capability towards beneficial activities. While there's a few obsessive strings that predate getting into music and learning jazz guitar, I don't think any of these preceding obsessions had nearly as huge of an impact on my life. However, the repercussions these obsessions had in other areas of my life have always been the same. They always consist of some combination of poor performance in school, lack of friends/social life, anxiety, and/or lack of sleep.

Beginning from the age of 14 and ending sometime by the age of 19, I became absolutely fixated on learning jazz/blues guitar. I got good enough after practicing it for 4-5 hours a day everyday (sometimes the entire day) that I was getting to paid to play in local venues by the age of 16 and was eventually accepted into Berklee College of Music in Boston on a scholarship. During this period between 14-19, I had only a single friend, no real social life to speak of, no social skills (I was insanely shy and awkward), and I was flunking most of my classes in high school (miraculously, I still ended up graduating on time!). Besides occasional breaks to hang out with my friend, swim team practice, or play some video games, all I did was write music, practice improvising, and learn music theory. I enjoyed it a lot, and overall, felt pretty good.

After a year of Berklee, I decided that I didn't really like studying music in such a formalized manner and didn't feel like I had what it takes to survive in the cut throat industry of studio work as a guitarist, so I dropped out. I was utterly lost and heartbroken after doing this. I felt like a part of me literally died. I still play guitar, but for a while, I didn't touch it because I felt that by leaving Berklee I had abandoned music and I couldn't look at a guitar in the same way anymore. It literally upset me to look at my guitar because it reminded me of how I forfeited my only chance to really make something of myself in that area.

So, after leaving, my mind is desperately searching for something to attach itself to and explore. The first book I read after leaving Berklee happens to be an introductory novel on cognitive science that my mom gave me. At first, doing this kind of dense, abstract reading on linguistics and neuroscience is alien to me, but after a while it starts to click. I finish this book and then move on to feverishly reading any other cognitive science literature I can read that summer. Questions of language processing, the nature of perception, and neural computation haunt my free time during this summer. The following fall, I enroll in community college, and for the first time in my life, ace all my classes for a year. The next year, I get accepted into a great university and have similar success there as well.

Due to my interest in cognitive science, areas of inquiry like mathematics, biology, computer science, and psychology started to become meaningful to me therefore, I treated every class I took with the same high level of intensity, because somehow, I could connect it all (or at least some of it) to questions I had regarding the computational nature of the mind and language processing. Even if I couldn't make these connections with a given class, I still put in my best effort to do well because anything would ultimately affect my GPA. Intellectually speaking, I have never felt more simultaneously satisfied, anxious, and occupied at the same time. So, while I had no social life whatsoever during this period of time, my school performance was extraordinarily good for someone who previously hated academia and was diagnosed with ADHD. I ended up getting my BS and graduating magna cum laude and presenting my independent research with a professor at a well known cognitive science conference.

I graduated in the Fall of 2009, which was an absolutely awful time to graduate jobwise. Also, while I had full intentions of going to graduate school and getting a PhD, I absentmindedly had not taken the GRE's until March 2010. This was taken far too late to for fall 2010 admission, so I had to put off admission into graduate school until fall 2011. This meant I had an entire year and a half of basically no forward progress. I tried to get jobs somewhat related to my field (however, the majority of jobs I applied to had zero relation to my field), but after putting in around 100 applications last winter/spring for these entry level positions, I didn't score a single job. Every interviewer claimed to turn me down to due to lack of experience.

So, what did I do? I got a mediocre part time job as a package handler at Fed Ex and have been living at my mom's house for the past year and a half now.

Now here's finally where PU (pickup, more commonly as PUA) theory comes into play. Since I'm no longer at the university sometime during January '10, I'm not being given much fresh information regarding cognitive science anymore, so I saw this as a perfect time to take a sojourn and get a part of my life handled that I had never had the real time for: social skills and women. I immediately started reading PU theory nonsense books and hanging out with a group of guys that also read PU theory books. These guys and I would often go out and party to meet women.

Let me give you a little background information on women and I before January '10. Well, first off, I had absolutely zero social skills at this point. I found it uncomfortable to look people in the eyes when I spoke to them and could not talk about things outside of my various interests (I always have had background interests that weren't central, so I do have a lot of outside interests; I just don't pursue them so fervently). This made it very hard to talk to women, and as a result, I had no idea what it was like to be with a woman. Throughout my life women I considered to be anomalies straight up approached me asking me for my number, asking me if I'm a player or playboy (this only happened a few times and each time it was on the beach shirtless), or told me I was cute. I avoided all of these girls because I didn't believe they actually liked me. Also, they made me feel so awkward that it was almost painful.

So, guess what happens when I go out to a club filled with drunk women for the first time with this group of PU theory idiots? I can remember it like just yesterday. I got dressed extremely well that night, maybe a bit too formal for a college scene (nice blazer I bought at a thrift shop, nice shoes, raw denim jeans, and a white button up shirt). To the dismay of the PU geeks, I end up getting approached by some good looking women simply by standing around. Of course I didn't give them much to talk about and tried to leave the interactions as soon as possible, but some of these women were ridiculously forward.

As I was sitting at the bar probably looking nervous, this girl pinched my butt several times as she walked by, and another group of random girls tried to get me to take a picture with them. I discovered that I could be very forward on the dance floor with cute girls, just walk up to them, and start dancing with them and some of them would love it (wtf). I was sitting at a sandwich shop with my friends and this knockout blonde walks by me winking and saying 'hi' to me randomly. I go outside and get the balls to talk to her while she hangs out with her friends, and obviously I'm being an idiot and using PU material to guide my interaction with her. As I'm doing this, her boys start to freak out and smash some random guy's truck (they think it's my car, haha whoops). My friends and I leave before these guys realize their error. Also, it's worth noting that I got drunk enough to be comfortable enough to make eye contact with strangers during this. It blows my mind. Girls will hold eye contact with me, some will even give me a bit of a smile or even say 'hi.' I am so absolutely addicted to this attention because I never received any of it to begin with growing up because I was so introverted.

So, now I start partying like this every weekend. My personality is basically becoming extroverted. I'm getting lots of attention from women now because I'm constantly out approaching them. I'm even getting comfortable enough to makeout with them. A few months later, I get laid! A couple weeks after having sex with that first girl, I get laid with a beautiful model looking girl that I date for 5 months.

Meanwhile, the rest of my life is in shambles. I've stopped thinking about cognitive science, I'm still living at my parents house at age 24, I'm working a crap job when I have a great education, and I'm getting drunk every weekend. Due to the new edgy party crew I'm hanging out with (not the pickup guys, I realized they're dorks very quickly) I'm also starting to experiment with new drugs besides weed like cocaine, MDMA, E, and acid. I don't feel nearly as mentally sharp as I used to.

As a side, that first relationship with the model looking girl was a rollercoaster. She was emotionally abusive sometimes (as was I) and what I saw as an abstract game ended up having very real emotional consequences. I ended up falling in love for the first time in my life and it was pretty much pure torture due to me not feeling like this girl actually gave a damn. I don't think she liked me as much as I liked her towards the middle of the relationship, but the girl definitely loved me, she just expressed it differently. Her and I, emotionally speaking, are nearly the same person, which is what made the relationship work despite having very little in common.

During the fall of 2010, I get the stupid idea to start taking speech language pathology courses (SLP) to see if I might like this field (it's more lucrative than cognitive science). I end up totally hating it, but at the same time I'm also still partying my ass off, so for the first time in my college career, my grades are poor as a result of the drinking I'm doing on weekends. My dad dies unexpectedly around this time (this played a huge part in getting such poor grades). Shortly afterwards, my first girlfriend breaks up with me (the relationship was doomed to fail anyways). I feel dead inside and I'm obsessively thinking about my relationship with my father and my relationship with this girl constantly.

Since I knew the relationship was heading downhill, I was really excited to begin college courses. Not for academic reasons, but rather for social reasons. Think about all the cute girls I could hook up with! This would be like revenge for being such a nerd during my undergraduate years. Turns out that didn't end up happening regardless of how much I went out every weekend. My heart was still hurting from my last relationship and I think every girl could sense it. I went on a couple dates with different girls and hooked up with five I didn't really like all that much. For all the numbers I collected that semester (I got the numbers of like 20 girls), I should've found another girl I could actually be serious with. Nope, all the ones I liked did not reciprocate. So much for being a good looking player, I guess. Haha.

I end up bombing all of my classes that semester with C's due to being preoccupied with my father's death, women, and drinking. I didn't like the major anyways. So, now what I've done is applied for 3 PhD programs, and hopefully I'll get into one of them (I do love academia, I just can't see myself ever becoming interested enough in SLP to be productively obsessed with it). Hopefully I'll get into some program. 3.7 graduating GPA+great recommendation letters+1200 GRE score+independent research+horrible grades one exploratory semester that don't factor into my graduating GPA=???.

So, now I'm back where I was last winter. Crap part time blue collar job, being totally broke, living at mom's house at 24, partying with local university kids, experimenting with drugs, drinking every weekend, and being obsessed with women.

However, now I'm reaching a point where I'm kind of sick dating and hooking up with random women. This takes way too much work for me. I have to seriously play the numbers game by going out consistently and this huge circle of friends that I don't even like sometimes because I feel all they do is party. After having a couple girls not want to see me again after having sex on the first date (now I realize this is poor form, but man, they wanted it), my ego is totally deflated.

Recent girls that completely turn me off from dating:

I took a French girl on like four or five dates last fall. I thought she was really cool, just had this sexy feminine vibe you couldn't exactly pin down to anything specific (hint: American girls do not have it ), and was a breath of fresh air from my ex. Hell, I would've even dated her if she was actually interested. Anyways, each time we went on a date, we ended up making out and groping feverishly. I spent hours talking to this girl and she kept playing this cat and mouse BS of not coming over my house after we had gotten to know each other very well. I asked my friend to ask her what went wrong a couple months after this blew over and she cited "no connection" as the reason we never hooked up. On top of that, she made out with me in front of another girl that actually liked me and caused that other girl to lose interest. Not cool if you're not actually interested in the guy and the other girl likes him. And truly, serious romantic interest from a woman is signified by sex initially.

I met a gorgeous blonde at a bar and she offered me her number instead of having me ask for her number. The day before the date, she texts me at like 10:30pm asking if I'm up to anything tonight, but I'm busy studying. On the actual date, I find out that she's the mother of a 5 y/o at 24 and that she still lives with the child's father and is still together with him. What the hell? Why did you come out for a date with me and try to booty call me the night before?



With one girl during the first week of this spring semester, we hung out for like 6 hours on the first date before we even hooked up. There was a massive connection. The sex, unfortunately, was really bad because I can't really enjoy sex unless I feel really comfortable around a girl. Nobody got off and I couldn't get hard enough to give her a good time. Still, I feel like girls are usually kind of forgiving of this if they like the person (hell, the same thing happened the first time I had sex with my ex). I tried to hang out with that girl the following weekend and she totally blew me off. Yes, we did have bad sex, but it wasn't awkward and I stuck around to talk/cuddle with her after we were done. I'm not a jerk at all. I kinda wanted to date her, y'know? I could see potential.

Last time she saw me, she saw me making out with another girl on the dancefloor, pinched my ass once when she walked by, introduced herself to the girl I was dancing with, and walked by kissing me on the cheek when I was talking to a close friend. I walked outside to get a cigarette from a random guy and it turned out the guy already knew me by name and was her ex-bf, telling me that she told him about me. Before that, after feeling rejected by her avoiding hanging out with me multiple times, I had told her I was sorry for moving things so quickly, that I want to pretend nothing happened, and that I do make a good friend if she's interested. She said it was OK and that she thought I will make a great friend. So, what she was doing was totally against the rules. What the hell was that about?

The girl I was hanging out with for that night (this is the second time we met and made out, lol) flitted away to hang out with her girlfriend in some other room even though she bought both of us E (prime time to hang out with some dude you like!!). I liked this girl, too. She's pretty and a really fun conversationalist. I was affectionate with her, she was obviously into it, and we got along well. Why did she ditch me like that and not say bye when I left?

Last wednesday, I meet a girl at a bar that I had randomly talked to at the library last semester. I thought she was really quite attractive, but I didn't think she was into me, so I didn't ask her out before leaving. Upon second meeting, she pointed out I was wrong about that one as we kissed before we left, haha. She also struck me as really intelligent and as a sweet girl. On the first date, I find out she's never had a boyfriend, has had between 15-20 sexual partners at 21 (this is nbd, most modern women have lots of sexual partners), and has never had emotional sex (I thought emotions were a huge part of sex for girls?). We did everything but have sex on the first date.

I don't think I'm going to pursue her any further after learning she's never had a bf at 21 and has never had emotional sex. I'm an emotional guy (not a pushover, but I like to be a romantic) and I want a connection, not just sex. I guess this makes me weird for a guy.

Conclusion

This is truly an example of what happens when my obsessive capabilities (it's a gift if you use it for anything productive) get turned towards something unproductive and useless. I don't want to be obsessed with women anymore. I don't want to drink or do drugs, either. I'm sick of hookups. I'm sick of this edgy, party crowd. All they care about is jabbering about nothing (I'm so good at faking this now, haha), hooking up, and drugs/alcohol. I want to go back to being an introvert, but still be able to meet girls.

This kind of attention is addictive to me, though. My obsessions seem to have a mind of their own and they don't end until I get bored of them or a lifestyle change occurs. I haven't become bored with meeting new women, and I figure it makes biological sense that I never will, however I doubt any guys think about this BS so much or need to party like this to meet girls. I have these stupid notions instilled in me from PU theory that women are only attracted to extroverted men and that you need a wild social life to get attractive girls. That's ridiculous.

Honestly, I don't know if I have Asperger's. I have pretty good social skills and can make tons of friends. However, I do get insanely fixated on things just like people who have AS do, and while my social skills are pretty good, they are only that way because I consciously worked on them.

Well I don't really suffer with AS. I suffer from NT's who don't understand people with AS.

Obsessive interests is one of many potential traits of AS, and it's not actually required, nor is it exclusive to AS.

Anyway, I think perhaps you should seek some treatment for your drug and alcohol problem, stay away from the club scene, work on being friends with just women and not having sexual relations with them, and when you're feeling up to it, apply to grad school.