It really can't be her, can it? So therefore, it's me?

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For those of you who don't follow my chronicles with this gal I like...

We're friends now, have been for over a year. I've hung out with her with friends a lot, just me and her a handful of times. Even got an invite to her party for St. Patrick's. But, a couple weeks ago on the last time I hung out with her, I admitted to her I really liked her - but in the most self-defeating, no confidence, downright strange manner possible. She seemed ok, meanwhile I was in the middle of a meltdown the rest of the night. After my revelation, ended up continuing on with the plans that evening and she acted as if not much happened.

Last night she sends me a text out of the blue saying she had joined OK Cupid, because the guy she was dealing with recently just stopped talking to her a few weeks ago. A few minutes of convo later, I end up admitting again I had a crush on her and asked if she would ever legit date me or if we'd just be friends, and saying I couldn't get that out right the first time from a couple weeks ago.

She replies that things happen, you can't control who you like, and then says (like two weeks ago) "I'm really not that great, be glad we are just friends." I try to reassure her she's not that bad, that she has friends and guys who are interested in her, but she never replies back. (I'm aware she has a history of depression and some other mental problems, but not exactly sure what. I just know she ended up in the hospital at least once or twice for whatever it is.)

So if she's breaking out that line, it's really me isn't it? I think that's the typical NT reaction in trying to be nice about rejection - right?

Not into you bro, sorry.

Its not you, and its not her. There's just no attraction.

You've been friend zoned and a long time ago. And often girls friend zone people they know they never want to date. I am a girl, and i know how girls think.

There have been guys I friend zoned straight away because they weren't my type. I liked them as a friend, but didn't want them as a partner.

Hi Q. I'm afraid you're asking the wrong questions;

It really can't be her, can it? So therefore, it's me? (These are the kinds of questions that will keep you stuck in the sacrificial lamb stance, which is not sexy or productive.)

When she told you, 'you can't control who you like'; she was letting you know that she's not attracted to you sexually and she can't change that. It sounds as if you got that.

And when she said, "I'm not really that great..."; she was probably just being honest; rejecting your romantic attention probably made her feel a little bad about herself. No woman likes having to issue an official rejection of a nice guy who's her friend. (This is a catch 22 for everyone; we need to profess our attractions where they exist; otherwise no one makes a match. But the rejection is painful all around and there are always more rejections than matches. It's not just you, it's that way for most men, women, aspies & nts.)

Your reassurance of her is falling flat because she doesn't need reassurance that she's attractive to men. She needs you to stop trying to pull another rejection statement out of her. For NT women there is nothing nice about rejection. She did it to you once, please don't make her have to do it again. That'd be no good for her and no good for you.

All this does not mean that no woman is or will be attracted to you sexually. It's a big world of women and once you're tired of feeling longing for her that she will never fulfill; and I mean REALLY sick of it, you'll move on.

You're an adult man. Do what healthy, but disappointed men do. Allow yourself to mourn this loss. Then quit the drama (it's not manly). Then be good to yourself. Do one thing you enjoy. Do another thing requiring some discipline, that would be good for you. Do another thing you enjoy. Do something productive. Do another thing you enjoy... and onward. Take in the simple pleasures of life. Be good to yourself.

When men are taking good care of themselves this way, they become more attractive to women.

Also when she's saying that, she also wants to assure you that its no fault of yours that shes's not attracted. Her saying "im not that attractive" is a downplay, she is trying to put you off her, so you get hurt less.. Women do that, Men do that, I've done it.

You have to remember, although being let down gently hurts as much as being let down harshly, that they really feel bad and ARE trying to spare your feelings.

I've been right where you are more times than I care to admit - staying friends with her is the right/classy thing to do, but forget about a relationship I'm sorry to say.

Maybe the next one will be even better!

Quartz11,

I'm sure you know girls from school or work that you like but you don't want them as a girlfriend.

I like Bette Midler movies. I would like to have her as a sister or a next door neighbour but as a girlfriend or a wife?
No way!

Yea, I'll be fine. Friend zone it is. Just need to find attraction to someone else, and hopefully get more success the next time.