How to tell your parents about a boyfriend/ girlfriend

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I'm a 25 year old woman who was diagnosed at age 15 with "Asperger tendencies" (so I sort of have a diagnosis, but I'm right on the periphery). I'm from (and they're in) Australia, but I've moved to the UK to do a PhD. My parents have always been overprotective and tried to restrict what I do, but in no other area more so than in relationships (in every instance of a relationship they've known about they've tried to break us up. I haven't told them about any relationship I've been in for about four years). They tell me I'm not mature enough to make my own decisions, particularly in this regard (and indeed in relation to anything they don't agree with. And yet I'm mature enough to pack up and move to the other side of the world to do a degree. Go figure ) and the sentiment "you have Asperger's, you can't judge these things properly" has come up more times than I care to recall.

I'm in a very serious relationship with a wonderful man, and I'm starting to think I really have to tell them about him. (The crunch point came when my mother asked for photos from a wedding I went to last weekend, and all the photos of me are either with him- with us looking very much in love- or in the posh hotel room we stayed in that they'd probably work out that I can't afford. Have no idea how to get around that either) He's 15 years older than me (that doesn't matter to me, but it will probably affect the level of their freakout), and is possibly an Aspie of some description (he's never been diagnosed, but his mother who used to work with special needs children told him that if he were younger he would have been). We've been together nearly six months, and (despite the fact I'm sure part of me is throwing myself into this quite hard as I tend to do) I'm increasingly sure I'll marry him. It just works- we're best friends, share everything, and have even at times sort of lived together (we both have our own places but at one point I spent nearly a month just staying at his place). I'm trying not to hang up all my hopes on marrying him, merely saying that given the time frame and the seriousness of the relationship, they need to know.

The idea of telling them terrifies me. They've been rather extreme when it comes to dealing with my relationships in the past, to the point of calling the police to "deal with" a guy I was seeing when I was 16 (the police didn't do anything, but that's the kind of length I think they'd go to). I honestly wouldn't put it past them to intimidate my boyfriend into never seeing me again, even to the point of them coming over here to threaten to do so. I'm also financially dependent on them, and so they hold a lot of power over me.

I suppose this post falls into two categories. I need to deal with the immediate situation of being able to tell my parents that I'm in a healthy, relatively normal relationship with a man who loves me and takes care of me, without them flipping their lids, cutting off my funding, or doing something horrible to him. I also need to find a way to show my parents that I'm mature enough to be able to handle relationships, and to be able to talk to them about it and receive support the way my two (younger) neurotypical siblings do.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Wow, your parents are really overprotective, i mean, even calling the police? = /

So here is what i'm thinking, you simply tell them you're in a relationship, simply like that.
You're FREAKING 25 years old man, you're an adult, they have NO legal say over ANYthing you do.
So if they call the police or do something stupid like that, the police will quickly find out they are nuts.

Also, since you've moved to England on your own.
I don't know hwo long you've been with your bf, but to me it sounds like you don't need their support at all ( unless they are paying your rent or something). So unless you're emotionally really close to them, you have nothing to fear, if they make a big deal out of it, simply get a restraining order or something. You should also talk to your boyfriend about this, would be a good idea.
Your parents have to learn and know their place, you're not a little baby who can't look after herself.

Good luck

Well I can totally understand why you came all the way here to do your studies. Wasn't for the weather!

You say your financially dependent on them? IF you think that by telling them that the after effects will be that they will cut funding to you then perhaps you need to look at means of being self sufficient?

Now given that you live around here. Your probably paying an extortionate amount of rent depending on what part of London your in anyway.

What might be a good suggestion (and this is just a suggestion i might add, disclaimer im not responsible if things go pair shaped) I think you should proceed in the following way before you consider disclosing to your parents.

A) Look at aquiring some kind of part time job. There is always a need for things like bar staff and sales assistants in and around the various parts of London. I'm sure you've noticed there are plenty of people from your part of the world who seem to be employed in such jobs as a consequence

B) This might be a big step in your relationship. But potentially consider the idea of co-habiting with your other half? That might be a lot to ask though but it is an idea you can perhaps float with him and see what happens. You sound like you near enough were at one point anyway. That isn't something you should enter into easily and not purely on the basis of solving this problem with your parents.

C) When you have job+co-habiting. You then tell your parents about your relationship. If they cut your funding you then are in a position that you have reduced your overhead costs and at the same time aquired a source of alternative funding so to speak.

If you are worried about the legal reprocussions? Well your parents can do sweet FA. Your diagnosis sounds rather flimsy so I seriously doubt under UK law you would be considered a "vulnerable adult" and you most certainly would meet the capacity to make "unwise" decisions under the mental capacity act 2005. They could have a good shout at the metropolitan police down the phone line but they won't do anything short of simply making an initial contact with you to check things are ok then be on their merry way to lookup more important crimes.

@OP: It's simple. You don't tell your family AT ALL.

You are 25 years old. You can make your own decisions.

You are in England and your parents are in Australia,
they have no legal right to do anything to you and your BF.

{What will your parents do...like call Interpol on you and your BF?}

Unless your parents are still emotionally & psychologically tying one hand behind your back,
then talk with your BF and see what he says about this.

Thanks for the replies.

I know I'm old enough to make my own decisions- and I find it incredibly frustrating that I feel unable to tell them these things (there are other things as well- I no longer share their religious beliefs and I'm sure that will also be something they deem me incapable of deciding for myself). My relationship with my parents has improved a lot in the time I've been here, which gives me some hope that the bombshell won't be as bad as it has been (by the way, I'm not in London, I'm in the north-west. There really aren't very many jobs going up here- people with postgraduate degrees are working in Sainsbury's because it's better than being on jobseekers allowance).

There's just no way of being financially independent at this stage. I'm an international student, which means I'm limited in how much I can work (I'm here on a visa) and am paying more than triple local fees (well over 10000 pounds a year- that's just fees. Rent's not so bad in this part of the UK, even though I'm living in a pretty good area for my city). I have some savings, but not enough to get me through. My boyfriend certainly doesn't have that sort of money (I suspect if we both lived as poor as poor students get then he could possibly support both of us on his income, but he couldn't come even close to paying my fees). If my parents cut off my resources, I'm screwed- I'll have to drop out, simple as that. I'd almost certainly have to go back to Australia, given my visa is conditional upon me being in my course, and I have no other right to be in this country as long as I have been (and most other visas have to be applied for from a country of residence that isn't the UK- for me, that's Australia).

What will my parents do? I don't know. There's a chance, I suppose, that they'll accept me as I am given it's been four years since they've been confronted with that sort of information- in that time I've completed three degrees (a bachelors and two masters degrees) and moved out of home (by getting on a plane- I went from living with mum and dad to being about 12000 miles away from them in the course of a day, and I've been here since), or ask questions but grudgingly accept it. But given their reactions in the past I don't want to hang too much hope on that. They could contact people at my university and try to cause trouble that way (or my supervisor - who hopefully would tell them that it's not his concern and that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and then ask me wtf was going on). I wouldn't entirely put it past my family for one of them to come over here to cause trouble, although given the distance that would take some logistics and I'd probably have some warning (or at least a guess of warning). I don't think they'd be stupid enough to contact the police, they probably only thought they could get away with that when I was under 18.

I want to tell them for two reasons. One, I am growing closer to them and am in many respects having (and enjoying) a more trusting adult relationship with them. I don't want to jeapordise that and I'm sick of lying to them (and not telling them about things- or omitting the central person in some of the major things I'm doing- is lying). I want them to take me seriously and to realise that for the most part I'm capable of making my own decisions (I still sometimes ask for advice, probably more so than a NT 25 year old, but I'm fairly self-reliant apart from the finances- which I'd probably be self-reliant about if I wasn't pursuing further study. Definitely self-reliant about the study as far as they're concerned, no one in my family understands a damn thing about what I do!)

Secondly, the more I lie, the more likely I am to be inconsistent, and the more likely I am to be caught out. Even if I didn't care about our relationship, if they catch me telling this big of a lie I'll be in serious strife with them (and it won't bode well for what they'll think of my boyfriend, which is potentially important if we stay together). My boyfriend is also reasonably traditionally minded and would feel much better about it all if he had a decent relationship with my family (and he could ask my father's permission to marry me, if it came to that- yes, we've talked about it. Personally I hate that institution because my father has no right or even privelige as to who I do or don't marry, I'm not his property- but my boyfriend is free to ask as long as he understands it's ceremonial only and Dad's "permission" is meaningless)

Does telling them still sound like a bad idea?

Personally I wouldnt tell my parents at all. Its not their business and knowing them they like to tell everyone how bad I am and it is noone elses business either.

They probably already know, or they might actually give you a nice and unexpected reaction. Either way they'll find out sooner or later and they'll just have to accept it. You're 25 years old and I'm sure they knew that it was bound to happen soon.