I don't know what's going on- need advice!

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Alright, I'll try to describe everything as good as I can... I would really like your input on this (especially if there're any NT'ers out there- but of course, aspie opinions are just as good )

I met this great guy in August. We fell head over heels for each other and we quickly became a couple. He was the most wonderful boyfriend ever- I started trusting him completely, and soon, he was my everything- someone I loved and trusted more than my parents. He promised we'd be together forever, and he made me so happy... also, he was the one who started talking about moving in together...

Well, turned out the pill wasn't working on me- I became pregnant. I decided that I wanted the baby, but my boyfriend broke down and told me he wasn't ready to become a father- we'd have kids later, but it'd ruin our lives- I loved him and I hated to see him like that- I had an abortion. He stuck with me, all the way through and I would've never made it without him- as a 19 year old aspie who hasn't received any help with the symptoms, I guess it was also for the better..

Well... all of a sudden, one month after the abortion, he decided he didn't have energy for a relationship... he loved me, but he felt that he couldn't provide the time, attention or energy I needed and he broke up. It left me heartbroken, and I still haven't gotten over it. I still love him with all my heart... And he says he'll always love me but doesn't think it'd be fair to start a relationship as he needs to focus on work (he's an avionic engineer apprentice- he works 48 hours a week and sleeps when he doesn't work... I kinda understand him)

Monday, we took a big step- he decided to come see me for the first time since we broke up back in late march- so we could talk things through as I didn't understand... I was looking forwards to this, but I was also frightened like heck... I was so afraid...

The second he showed up, it was like old feelings returned- and it was so obvious he felt the same way. We spent the three days almost as boyfriend and girlfriend- doing everything a couple does... yet, the "title" (boyfriend/girlfriend) was missing- but the feelings were there.


Wednesday night, we talked. He explained the work thing again. But said that once he had the energy and he thought it'd be fair on me, he would love to get together again... that he still loves me- but that I shouldn't wait for him as he didn't think it'd be fair (I basically told him I'd decide this myself)...

I know he doesn't have problems with getting girls if that's what he wanted... but his friends tell me he always refuses when a girl makes approaches. He confirmed this and said that I'm basically the only girl he'd want to be with...

I don't know where I stand anymore... it's almost like we're a couple, but officially, we're not... I call it a "parttime relationship" It confuses me, but it makes me happy that we still have something together...

I know he could be using me. But I just don't believe it. People still think we're together, and he never told anyone that we've broken up... I KNOW he feels almost exactly like I do, I KNOW he's not lying to me when he says he loves me.

I just don't know anymore... it confuses me... what do you think?

I suggest you tell him that without the security of being boyfriend/girlfriend, it's too emotionally painful for you to have sex with him. Then stick to it.

I think this will inspire him to make his mind up one way or the other, in pretty short order.

I'm pretty happy like this- I'd love for him to be my boyfriend (and I'm sure he will be someday), but I'm pretty happy that he stays true (and faithful) and that he's honest about not having the energy yet- but that he wants to be with me someday.

I just don't know if I'm being too nice/naive "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free"- what if he finds this too convinient and won't ever want a relationship?

He doesn't seem like that at all, but then again, I AM an asperger, how am I supposed to know how an NT thinks...

I assume that this guy is an NT male, as he can find girls easily. It could be true that he is a workaholic too, and loves his work as an engineer. There is probably part of his attitude to engineering that you are attracted to, after all Aspergers Syndrome was previously called Engineer Syndrome.

There is a good chance that he is cheating on you .NTs by nature are power oriented and full of manipulating lie, and I am sure that he will has already abused his power. I think that you see him as a good catch so do anything to keep him. I could well say that you are being very naïve that he would never cheat on you and you should get out of there, but sometimes people can very naïve about relationships because it is worth the risk. The risk that there is a 1 in ten chance that he can be the one for you.

Danish: There is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for him not to be your boyfriend right now. Even if he's really busy, he can still be your boyfriend and just be really busy right now.

The "why buy the cow" quote is about waiting until *marriage* to have sex. If this guy isn't even willing to be your boyfriend... Well, let's put it this way. If he doesn't have the energy to be your boyfriend (and what a crock THAT sounds like), how can he have the energy to have sex with you?

I think you are being used. But if I'm wrong, and you follow my suggestion, I will be proved wrong very quickly.

I may be very naive, but I really don't think he's cheating on me- our common friends keep telling me that he hasn't, and he's always been very anti-cheating as he once went through having a girlfriend who cheated on him.

To tell you the truth, I don't think he's an NT... I can't quite put my finger on it, but he seems like he's aspie and has a bunch of other issues as well- I talked to his mother, and the idea of him, being aspie has "crossed her mind- it runs in the family"- although she's never told him about this and he's never been dx'ed... but he's definitely not completely NT... I suggested it to him once and he just went quiet and then changed the topic...

I believe he's the one for me still... but I guess I'll think clearer in a couple of months when my brain has "digested" it all

I guess I'm pretty biased, but I was very unhappy that he didn't have a lot of time for me when we were a couple- and I did take it out on him. All he did was work and sleep- and he's doing something he's always wanted to do, why should he give that up because of me, when he's SO CLOSE (a year- after working for the company for 3 years) to achieving what he wants? He slept and he worked- that's all he did. Of course I wasn't happy with that, I thought he just didn't want to spend time on me.

Also, the abortion freaked him out... he's still recovering from that. But I guess I am being a bit stupid...

I can understand why an aspie would be cynical, but IMHO this is grossly unfair and simplistic.

I'd like to chime-in as an NT who is not "power oriented and full of manipulating lie." (I can't speak for the other millions of NTs.)

I'm not sure how you define "boyfriend/girlfriend." Do you both define it the same way? I think it is great to maintain a relationship with anyone you like or love, as long as it is beneficial to both of you and no one is getting hurt in the long run. It's important that you both understand what the other's needs and expections are (exclusive dating, exclusive sex, no sex, talking how often, seeing each other how often, etc). And if either of you is not willing to make some kind of commitment to making it work, long-term, then you should go out with/spend time with other people, too. I know this might be hard, maybe especially for those with AS, but it keeps you from becoming totally, emotionally dependent, and helps you grow as a person and friend.

AND - if he is not willing to carve out at least a little time for you, what's the point?

He probably won't be your boyfriend again...

I used a similar tactic back when I was that age (and I'm female). I'd keep an ex hanging around until I could find someone new and that I liked more to be my boyfriend. That was mean wasn't it? He's probably doing the same thing without even realizing it himself. I didn't realize what I was doing and once I did, I quit leading the ex-boyfriends on. I'd never get back with them, even when I told them I would. It was just someone to hang out with that I knew and I did have some feelings for. If I had more feelings, relationship feelings, I would have gotten back together with them. Familiarity often won out over loneliness, but novelty always beat familiarity.

Keep that in mind.

Thanks for your input. How do we define boyfriend/girlfriend? I don't quite know... I just know that, to me, we're a couple- we're doing everything a boyfriend and a girlfriend would, but he still insists we're not He kisses me, tells me that he loves me- I usually take the initiative to sex(!) - not that he refuses- so I don't think that's what he's after.

He's staying exclusive- I can say that with 99% certainly as he just can't bear having sex with other women- like me, he has to get to know the person pretty well before anything happens, and (according to him) he just doesn't have the energy to have ANY kind of relationship with a girl- I'm just wondering what the heck he's having with me then

I think he's in denial... that we ARE having a relationship, but he feels bad that he can't put as much energy into it as he wants to. That he wants to make sure that he has a future money-wise before he's comfortable starting a long term relationship.

He lives in the UK- I live in Denmark- so it IS a long distance relationship. But as he works for an airline, he can travel to denmark for like 20 pounds (40 USD). We see each other once a month for a week or so (next visit is planned in August), we talk every day, and he's very supportive whenever I have problems- and we often have deep conversation that lasts for hours and hours.

I thought I was supposed to be the weirdo here

Should have kept the baby. Aside from the obvious reasons it would have been easier to rope him into a relationship.

Excuse me, but with my mental/physical problems, no, keeping the baby wouldn't have been fair- for me, for the baby or for him. I wouldn't want to have a baby just to "rope someone into a relationship". I have a rough time with the abortion as it is, coulda-woulda-shouldas are of no use to me now.

Well, unfortunately, the other term for part-time relationship is "booty call". But you are right, this is very confusing, and I am just confused reading your letter and the posts!! Is he NT or AS?? Sounds like he could have AS tendencies. But, does it really make that much of a difference, if he is using you? I think he likes you well enough, but is happy just with the "booty call". But what is really more important here, is...are you?? If not, you need to move on, and quit waiting for him to change. In my experience, if guys are getting what they want, they generally don't change. Sorry. Listening to friends is not always a good thing either. I think if we are in love with someone, our perception can be clouded. Also, as a trusting Aspie, you may not be aware that NT's can be notiourous for telling people what they think they want to hear. Much better than hurting someone, or getting involved in other people's relationships. I am NT, I have an AS son, but I do think I have a lot of AS tendencies. I work at night and have 4 kids, and have used the 'too busy for a relationship' excuse, but only when I don't think the energy needed for a relationship is worth it. (I find relationships pretty demanding). However if I am really into someone, I would definately make the time and sacrafice needed to make it work.
Good luck with it. You deserve happiness after all you have been through.

If you're unsure and he keeps pushing the issue. Ask him to give you time. If he respects and really cares for you, he'll do that.

Last edited by whiteskunk on 16 Jul 2006, 11:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

Sounds like he doesn't want to make a promise or commitment that he knows he can't keep right now. Maybe I'm just naive (at 43) but I think he sounds like he's being pretty honest. He can't support you emotionally and give you the time and attention that, as a girlfriend, he feels you deserve. But he apparently likes you enough to spend time with you.

If you're getting your needs met for companionship and sex, then I wouldn't worry about what to call the relationship.

OTOH - I also wouldn't invest too heavily in it. For example, be sure to use condoms - you don't want to get any diseases (or another pregnancy) and just because you're pretty sure doesn't mean you can't get something from him. And, if another relationship becomes available, consider it for its own merits (although you may want to talk to your non-boyfriend and let him know, so he realizes that you're not just waiting for his scraps of time and also so he doesn't view it as "cheating" on the non-relationship. )

Good luck with it.