I am too Unhappy....

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I wrote something out then accidentally refreshed the page. (lol)

I have a question if anyones willing to give me input. I've spent many years (most of my adult/teenage life), some 15 or so years. Trying my best to avoid social interaction, trying to avoid that loud, unstructured, obstructive, violent mad house which is humanity. I've been quite successful thus far - which also deems me a failure at life no doubt. Although in the times between the quiet times I have had a few adventures worth mentioning. A few interesting tidbits of information leaking in, and a few fun times. The only peculiar thing is they all involved social settings....

After I leave that adventure and return to my quiet and calm domain. I find myself very happy, yet find my life lacking.

People, are annoying - the thought of "hanging out" makes my mind race and run away. I want nothing to do with it, since it takes away from the time I have alone. But the thought of having someone close seems interesting at least, to spend time with and share laughs and story's. So if anyone could tell me....

What should life be, and am I feeling compelled to become social because of my own feelings or because I'm attempting to be more socially acceptable?

If I want someone close, but I tell myself "you can never become what they need", is that a bad thought to have - or am I being literal and fair to both party's?

I find myself being invited to loud and obnoxious areas. My feet and mind say go, but the thought of being shut down due to a strobe lighted/lit up/music blaring area makes me think twice. Would going and being absolutely quiet, non social, and almost in a vegetable state really be so bad? Am I overly cautious in this area? I tend to find in bar and/or similar settings I have a lot of issues with this. There are too many stimuli's floating around. I can't focus and almost always look extremely bored/rude (according to people).

Danke,
Nim

first off; life is what you make it, if you live like you want to, you are doing a good job.

now, if your feelings tell you to go out, but your mind is afraid of the input it'll get, there are a few things you can do; mostly based on compromises between you and the friends you're going with.
if you can agree on a place that has no strobe lights and enough room to move around a bit, you can avoid anxiety from both lights and light touch, which helps a great deal.
for the music; i recommend you invest in some special-made earplugs; the ones i have are awsome, they filter out music and noise to about half level, without effecting conversations, meaning i can wear them all day without any trouble (but i dont, becouse i dont want to get used to low-level sounds, that'd kill me if i forget the plugs).

if you make this combination of earplugs and a not-too-busy bar, you should be able to join your friends, even if only for a few hours.