Escaping a failing marriage

Post Reply New Topic

I ended up doing something really stupid. I got married to my boyfriend because we were in love. I thought that he would help me with my disability and that I would be able to live a much fuller life with his assistance.

Instead the exact opposite happened. As soon as we were married he talked me into giving up my art, music, startup companies, the whole nine yards. He told me I would be able to work on these things later but that first we needed to achieve stability.

Stability never seems to come for him. No matter how much our life improves it is never enough. He screams at me whenever I want to go on a vacation even if the vacation gets me paid. He can't stand the idea of me leaving the house and not being around him. He doesn't want me to have a social life unless it involves him. He has a major problem with my usage of technology and has all but stated "it's either social media or me."

I love social media and don't want to give it up. Every time I go online he freaks out and says I'm not spending enough time with him. We are also both sharing my car and he needs it almost every day of the week. I feel like I have lost all of my freedom. It is absolutely horrible.

Recently he has become extremely verbally abusive and blames it on "me caring more about my art and digital life than him." Of course I'm going to be upset that all of my art and digital life has been put on hold so I can spend time with him. I don't even like spending time with him anymore. I want my freedom back.

I used to fight back against his verbal abuse but now I find that it isn't even worth it. I'd rather sit there passively and let him take verbal slings at me than engage him. He is crying about how our relationship isn't what it used to be and he is 100% right. I want out.

How do I get out? I don't know how to fill out papers. I am horrible at moving. I am not very functional on my own but whenever I try to get someone else to help me he freaks out at me for talking to people besides him. I do not have any family support and my friends are scattered throughout the country.

Do I just run?

Yes, run. This is abuse and it is never going to get any better.
Do you have a family that you can run to to help you through this?
If not then find a woman's refuge and ask their help.

Last edited by Wombat on 12 Mar 2011, 11:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No family whatsoever. A few close friends I can talk to but only when he is gone.

No idea how I'm going to get my stuff out of this house.

Go to the police and say he has been abusive and they will protect you while you get your stuff.
Actually, they might throw HIM out and put a restraining order on him so that he can't come back.

OP:

tell him that it is over first, it would be the sensible and decent thing to do. Then when he comes round he might even be forthcoming in helping you get out. At least you are recknognising that something is wrong early doors and not burying you head in the sand. Good luck

Get out, ASAP. There are women's centers all over for those who are abused. They often have social workers who can help you with any challenges you have.

This kind of advice is how women get beaten and killed.

Contact the Police Department. They can stay to make sure nobody gets hurt and they will be able to provide you with information about womens shelters. They can also call a cab for you to get there. Get those friends of yours to help you. They will help. The first thing you need to take from the house is anything that's personally meaningful to you (he may destroy it) and anything that gives personal information about you and your friends (he may try to use it against you).

What he is doing is abuse. You have to leave. It will not get better. I stayed too long, lost an unborn child in the third trimester, almost lost my two year-old son and my own life. I have too many scars, both inside and outside, to fool myself into thinking he ever actually loved me. The really sad thing is that when I volunteered at the womens shelter, I met so many women whose stories made me realize that I wasn't an unique little snowflake. Abuse happens often and it always, without fail, escalates. Get out of there.

The good news is that without kids, divorce should be very easy.

As fast as your legs will carry you!

What a control freak!

This seems to happen so often, when people make too many changes when they get married...

If there is much money involved, or you are still trying startups, you may need expert financial advice. Remember, if you make money at something, he can find a contingency lawyer to sue you on the smallest of grounds. You will need to pay out of pocket for legal defense and could lose half of anything you make.

If he is physically abusive, it is certainly a matter for the police. Even if you just want be done with him, it is important that he is dealt with, and there is a record to warn others who are cautious enough to check.

Otherwise, you should be able to conduct your businesses, art, and friendships regardless of his wishes, marriage or not. If you are concerned about living on your own, it sounds like the other posters are more familiar with this.

PS - I like your website. It's nice to someone realize the truth about Facebook, even if not under the best circumstances.

This guy has issues.

This is what I would do.

1. Find a place to stay/move to. Where did you live before? Maybe you can move back. Do you have parents, family or friends who can help you?

2. After you find a place to move and the financial means to do it, you can pack your stuff and move there. If you are taking furniture you will need a truck, and you will have to have someone help you move it. You might have to hire movers.

3. After you have moved, if you want a divorce, you should tell him. You can either hire a divorce lawyer, consult with a legal aid center, or get instructions on how to file online. You will usually have to go to the court house eventually and file the papers. Someone will also have to serve him the papers. You can have the court do this, you can do it yourself, or have a third party do it.

And for the future. It's not reasonable for one to demand their spouse give up hobbies they knew they had when they married them, and are not posing a financial burden. It is not reasonable to demand they not leave the house. It is not reasonable to demand they not use social media or go online.

It's reasonable to ask them not to spend an excessive amount of time online, or with a hobby though.

Click here.

And here.

And here as I think you are in California.

Be safe and take care.

Completely off-topic, but wow! I followed Densaugeo's lead and had a look at your website- you could be lady Gaga's sister!

yes, yes you do as far as you can until you find the support you need. This should have been the first and final red flag for you that this relationship wasn't going to work. Stability is achieved through following dreams and hopes, by him telling you that you can "work on these things later" he was basically telling you that what you cared about didn't matter much to him. But alas hindsight is 20/20 so they say

As for what you can do, first get far enough away that his sphere of influence can't effect you. You seem to have the willpower and want to leave but keep relating back to the fact that he will or is stopping you. Put whatever physical and mental distance you need to no longer allow that to happen, only then will you truly be able to move forward in what you need to do. I unfortunately have no personal experience in the area, but I have meet a gent in the same type of situation your in now. From everything we have talked about it's a long hard path trough with financial and emotion burden. Wish I could help more =(

I agree with everyone else on here. He will only hold you back and likely do worse to you.