Feeling unattracted to my NT gf

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So I have been with this NT woman for close to two months. In many ways, she is a very good catch. She is very educated, has a job coming to her upon graduation, speaks 3 languages, plays piano, and is a very good cook. She also enjoys sex and doesn't want kids (at least she claims to not want them)... these two things are important to me.

The biggest problem is, I don't find myself that physically attracted to her. She isn't ugly, but I just don't find her sexy. She seems to have gained weight since we got together, and quickly has stopped trying appearance-wise. She had a dinner party last night with a selection of her friends... There were probably about 5 of them that I would much rather sleep with than her. I kept thinking "she wants me to play the bf role, but I just don't get excited by her... and it makes it weird. Let alone when there's other women in the room that I do find very attractive."I definitely find her less attractive when I'm out in public with her and see other women (be they her friends or strangers)...

This is a big dilemma for me because we are already into the "exclusive relationship" territory. Which may have been a mistake on my part, but we started having sex early on and I stopped thinking at that point. She has paraded me around in front of her friends, we have our pages linked on facebook and "in a relationship"... I think she has had bad luck with men in the past (according to her best friend who told me not to break her heart in not so many words...), and maybe has low self esteem? I think she is at an age where she really wants a bf, and definitely something headed into the serious realm.

I was talking to an NT friend of mine (who doesn't know I have AS) about looking for someone better, and he says "you won't find someone better... at least someone who accepts you for you." This stuck in my head.

I know that she senses something is off with me, as today she messaged me asking if everything was "ok" because "things seemed weird" between us.

My options are A) keep going until things either improve or I become extremely unhappy and pull the plug B) break up with her suddenly and either say I need space or be blunt and say "I'm not physically attracted to you anymore." C) keep seeing her, but try and sleep with other women on the side (I don't have much free time to cheat on a girl, let alone the fact that this doesn't sit well with my conscience). D) be an inattentive jerk and wait for her to dump me (I'm not a big fan of this approach, and I find it often makes the girl just want you more while you go insane).

Thoughts?

Last edited by Space on 13 Mar 2011, 11:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

She seems to have indulged in the "I've got him now so I can let myself go" syndrome.

I understand it's difficult to hurt someone, but I feel like just ignoring the problem will just make the inevitable breakup even worse.

She actually bears some (most?) of the responsibility for the situation anyway...

agreed. she's happy so she's just let herself be comfortable thinking 'i don't need to impress him anymore because he accepts me for me.'
i started to this at the beginning of my relationship and we got too comfortable with each other.
we don't do that anymore and always make an effort for each other because it keeps things interesting and attractive.

I agree on all accounts... And I have been in a similar situation before. The last girlfriend I had the lasted over a month, we were in a similar bind. I ended things at the 6 month point because it was just getting worse and her getting more clingy. I am glad I did.

The main mental block for me (besides not wanting to break a girl's heart of course...) is how guys seem to think she is a great catch and the type of girl that I should marry.

On a related note, I am starting to become somewhat against having sex early in a relationship (sex was very early in this one, and I wasn't the initiator). I have been told it prevents you from truly getting to know the woman, and if you truly do like her and not just the sex. I agree.

i had sex with my boyfriend on the first date and he knows me better than anyone.

lucky guy

Actually, she is no longer "me": she has made the decision to become someone different than she was and expects her partner to accept the new "me" without question...

It's a risky proposition and certainly unfair to the other partner.

If she was happier being overweight she should have never made the effort to present a "false front" to begin with...

But it's so much easier to accuse the other partner of being shallow when you're able to gobble pork rinds and soda pop to your heart's content, right?

what is so bad to present the true self?
Maybe it should be done more smoothly, but i think its ok to be more honest to the other person.

yep.
damn pressure to be thin.

and anyway - i heard somewhere someone saying 'dating isn't showing the other person who you are, it's putting on an act long enough so they like you enough to accept your crazy when you finally show it to them.' or something with that sentiment.

..i had a point in there somewhere but i can't remember what it is.

You don't need to yield to this pressure!

If being thin is so miserable then don't bother, life is too short...

yep, exactly.
i don't anymore.
i just eat normally and run.
no diets in sight.

You simply don't love her.

Agree with Boo on this one.

I suggest B, but be nice about it. She hasn't done anything to deserve a rude brush off.

Option A will just hurt her in the long run, and the fact that you're even considering options C and D makes me think she could do a lot better.

Cut this girl loose and let her find someone who does appreciate her good qualities.

OP, have you considered the possibility that the problem you have maintaining relationships is actually you? You're projecting the "problem" onto your partner - she's suddenly sexually unappealing to you after a very short period of time. But since this seems to be a pattern in your relationships (bolded above), you might want to consider that the issues are yours. Honestly, how much weight could she have gained in less than two months? How much could your last gf have changed in a little over a month? Clearly, you found each of these girls appealing enough to perform sexually - so you must have been attracted to them. It seems like when the "newness" of the relationship wears off a bit, and the actual day-to-dayness of life in a "relationship" kicks in, you want to bolt. It's easier to blame the women than to admit that you may have some things to work on.

I agree with @Lene, let this girl go. She deserves to find someone who not only wants her, but who will enjoy being with her.

I never understood the whole "let yourself go once you have it" thing... if anything, getting into a relationship motivates me more, whereas alone I'm just not worth the effort.

I will say to the OP though, whatever you choose to do, do not do option C. That's just plain as*hole territory right there. Either try to work through it or break it off. But being unfaithful is one of the worst things you can do...

Why are you so quick to project all of these motives (and behaviors: "gobbling pork rinds and soda pop") onto this girl? You're so quick to condemn her that you skipped right over the OP's admission that his behavior is a pattern in his relationships. What's up with that?

But at least there's one thing we can agree on: lying to your partner really sucks, and it's really unfair to him/her.