What to do if I love her?

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For a while, I've been debating on whether to message my ex-girlfriend that I never really got a chance to get to know as well as I would have liked. It may have been five years ago that we dated, but to this day, I still think about her. I did that about a week ago, and she didn't mind talking to me, much to my surprise. So I instant messaged her today, and she blocked me. I sensed that was a possibility (don't ask why; I just have a sixth sense for things like this) It's not the first time that's happened, but I'm afraid it might be the last. Long story short, we aren't exactly on again and off again, but we have had sporadic contact over the years.

She has always stood out to me. I used to think it was a carryover from my younger days (and in some ways it is) but it's more than that. It's more than imprinting my first girlfriend, my first kiss and sexual experience, more than just a physical attraction.

She is still the only person that can make my heart beat just thinking about her. She is the only person that I can play a simple board game with and be the happiest person in the world, just because it's with her. She is the only person that makes me feel alive inside. The only person I've ever truly loved. I've been on dates with hotter women, with strippers, I've had marriage proposals (one was dead serious) I've had women fling themselves at me, including my best friends sister, yet nobody comes close. She compliments me in ways nobody else ever has. She is the only person who can keep up with me intellectually and athletically, the only person who can match my energy. I can be myself around her, and I don't feel the need to impress her or anything. It's not logical or reasonable to feel this way about someone I haven't seen in over a year, but I've tried to convince myself for a very long time that she wasn't good enough, that she was a bad person, just so I would stop thinking about her. There are 10 things I hate about her, but it's OK. There are probably 10 things she hates about me too, yet she still gave me the time of day after all this time. She could be prettier, she could be a little bit...nicer? Hell, she could be a lot of things. But I like her just the way she is, even though she is wrong for me in many ways.

The thing is, how do I tell her all this? I would much rather tell her in person, because doing it over the phone doesn't work. Besides, I'm not really sure what I feel, because I haven't seen her for a while. I just know that every time I step in the room with her, everything is right with the world again. She's been through a lot, so she is wary of men in general, which is probably why she wouldn't be thrilled to hear all this. I know I should wait to say all this, but the question isn't when (the summer) the question is "How am I supposed to make contact again"...I dunno. My brain is fried right now, and it has been for the past week, not just because of her. Maybe none of what I wrote makes any sense, but maybe it's not supposed to. Sometimes imagination triumphs over intelligence. Isn't that what love is all about?

Let me see if I have this correctly. You and her messaged last week. Today when you tried to message her, she blocked you? No explanation? Nothing? That doesn't seem very nice. I'm sorry this happened.

Have there ever been times when you have reached out to her and then pulled away? If that has happened, she may fear that it will happen again. So she may have been super excited about you messenging her but then had that "oh not again feeling!"

Odds are if you feel so strongly for her, she feels the same. The person I have been in a relationship with has done that to me, reached out and then pulled back. Right now if he sent me a text, I'd be very tempted to reply...but very afraid that once I thought things were good between us, he would bail again.

Not sure if this applies to your relationship, but I thought it may be worth mentioning.

How can you "love" someone who doesn't even like you? People contact each other all the time - it means "nothing". A person who loves you back doesn't block you. A person who loves you wants to be with you and do things with you. You're looking at this from only your point of view. This is very one-sided. Is it possible you feel this relationship MUST BE because you yourself feel so much? That's not fair to you or to the other person.

Yeah, I'm not really sure how to describe it. It would take forever, and I'd probably we talking in circles anyway. In any case, I probably just need a good nights sleep. Whatever.

This is the sweetest little love story I've read in a long time, maybe ever. The thing about board games... it seems like you really had something, and could have it again, but she is going back and forth on whether to talk to you for some reason. I'd suggest (in my very non-professional capacity) that you try to reach out to her again in whatever way possible, maybe in a grander more unexpected way if possible. Is this possible?

I know the reason. Well, mostly. I have to build up the trust that I lost, but in order to do that, I need to start somewhere, and I feel like I have no time left. I think that's why I'm so sad, because by the time I were to get there (if I ever do) she will be gone. She's like me in that she needs to go off and do things and explore. So sure, she blocked me, but it's not the first time she did that. She told me not to talk to her again in 2009, yet I texted her a year ago, and I ended up at her house to watch the Final Four, and she went from having a space bubble to sexually teasing me and blocking the TV. She was all excited to have me over, and even though her university was playing, she wanted to play that train game with me instead of watch the big game.

On one hand, I know I'm overthinking this (which is what got me to this point in the first place) On the other hand, I want her badly. I don't need her, but I want her. The problem arises when I feel like I need her at certain moments. My mind likes to play tricks on me. What I need to do is to call her this summer and ask her if she wants to go out somewhere (you know, so she feels more comfortable and all), but at the moment, I've convinced myself that I've f****d it all up. I do have a tendency to be overly mopey and melodramatic when I'm trying to reconcile, and I hate it when I do that. So although I've concluded that I'm done here...I've had this problem with other people, and it all worked out just fine. If I can do it with her once, I can do it again. I just wished I had kept my mouth shut for another month so I could wish her a happy birthday without it being "Why are you texting me?"

It started with her bugging me from 2006-2008 because she missed me. (I was too stupid to pick up on what her words meant) Now it's me bugging her from 2009-2011. She came on to me in high school, not expecting much, but she got more than she bargained for. My first kiss was a 20 second frencher in my basement three days after meeting her...yeah, I've never been the same since. (Just kidding, it was just a kiss, I'm fine) Even though I only dated her for 2 and a half months, I met her friends, and her family, and went to a family reunion type of thing and met EVERYONE. Of course, again, back then I didn't know that was a big deal. I thought that's how it always goes in relationships...hahahaha! Stupid, silly me.

She blocked you for a reason and it probably isn't that she wants to see you.

Why did you two break up?

I think she blocked him because she is scared.

If you lost her trust as your post says, then it makes sense to me that is why she blocked you.

If she makes this easy for you, then how will she know you are invested this time? Sometimes I feel like I let the person I'm involved with back in my life way to easily and since he never really has to work too hard to get me back he never seems to fear letting me go. Emotions are complicated and not always as logical as "well she blocked you, she doesn't want to talk to you."

If that was the case she wouldn't have talked to you recently. I don't know if she is an NT or not, but from an NTs perspective, that is what I think.

I totally agree with ntgrl - it's a test; she doesn't want to make it so easy for you to re-enter her life that you would be able to drop her just as easily. She (if I am at all correct, and again I'm no expert, but I am thinking along the same lines at ntgrl and she sounds like she knows what she's talking about) would need some big show of commitment from you if you're to re-enter her life again. Of course that's hard to do when she's not willing to talk to you, but maybe you can come up with some creative way to show her just how much she means to you.

Your story is so touching, I just want this to work for you!

Thank you very much Purchase

I also find your story very touching and would like to see it work out. If I am correct, then she likes you very much and just needs some reassurance. Since you mentioned playing board games with her, perhaps you could buy a game that the two of you liked to play and send it to her for her birthday with an invitation to play with you? It may sound kind of corny, but it will show her how much you valued those times you spent together.

Good luck!

Yeah, that's exactly right, and that's my dilemma. What should I do that isn't overly showy? I should just call her in the summer...but that's why I'm pissed at myself, because I got myself blocked a month before her birthday. Then all I would have to do is say "Happy Birthday!" and then call her in the summer. I decided that if I waited that long to say something, that would equal "He doesn't care" So I overthought the process. What a surprise. If I was her, I would be wary too. Looking at things from her perspective...well, if I was her, I wouldn't know what I want, aside from some indication that it won't be the same old same old. It's times like these that I wish I was Rico Suave

I know what type of guy she wants. She wants a guy that is dorky, sensitive, and intellectual, while at the same time someone who is confident, assertive, and reassuring. Finding that mix is very very hard (because they are on opposite ends of the behavior spectrum. I don't know if there is a spectrum like that, but if there was, they would be separate) so that's why she has trouble finding a guy. This certainly doesn't help my chances, because that works against me. "Oh, he just wants me back because now he can have me, blah blah" The other things that works against me is the same thing that always does, which is that I know her a lot better than I should. I know people so well that it always turns into "He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does" I've only known her for about a grand total of 3 months out of my entire life...yet I can still finish her thoughts and sentences before she does, and mock her as I'm doing it. I just want to get to know her again. It's not that I want to propose to get married and have babies and all that crap, that's too much for me anyways. I just want to be a part of her life, whether as friends or something more. So yeah, I love her, but not in the traditional "I want to stick my penis inside of you" type of way, more in the "I understand who you are, and I accept that person, and I like that person a lot" way, which is probably a lot closer to the actual definition.

Last attempt : send her the link of this thread.

Do it Mindslave, you have nothing to lose more than what you already lost.

What did you write in your message?

Also, if you haven't been in much contact, how do you know she's still single herself?

I wouldn't advise playing games or second-guessing that she is trying to either. Even if it were to lead to a relationship later on, sounds like it'd be one hell of a headache. Her actions are confusing you; why not state that and ask where you stand.

If you want to ask her out, do it: better to lose face for a few days than lose another 5 years of your life.

Yeah, what Lene said about just being honest about your confusion and about the fact that you want to spend time with her again sounds good. Do you know her phone number so you can call her? Or if it wouldn't appear too stalkery, do you know where she works or something so you could drop by (especially if it's a public place like a restaurant or something)?

I don't know. It seems the most important thing is just to make contact now and lay out all your feelings for her, just lay them all out and make it clear you're not out to just have some little fling just cause she's available but that you want to be around her and you keep thinking of her and you want her because there is no one like her. Everything you put in your posts. I would tell her all that. If only you can see her face-to-face, that's the trick.

Is the guy that you were in a relationship with on the spectrum?