A Trip to Miami...

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I am a 35 y/o male Aspie grad student, about 1-2 years away from finishing my PhD. I am so stressed and drained that I have decided to take a vacation. I am taking out some loan money to do this. I am spending some time at home dealing with personal/stress issues, but also want to do something fun during this time. I was thinking about taking a trip to Miami for a weekend. I would not have any fun during this time unless I had a date to take with me. I am open to paying for her flight, and staying in a room with two beds. I would expect her to be my date and go to the beach and nightlife etc. with me, but anything beyond that would simply happen if it felt right for both of us. I am terrible at dating, and have only asked out 3 women in my entire life (one actually said yes, see below). However I figure that a woman might be more conductive to a date if it involved an all expenses paid trip to Miami. I have no problem with the idea of paying for this because as I see it, it would be like a once in a lifetime event that I would enjoy!

As for finding my date for the weekend, I can see three options. I have an ex girlfriend, who is currently just about my best friend. She is also on the spectrum. Honestly I don’t think I have ever met anyone else in my life who I have as much in common with and feel as comfortable being around as her. We also have a pretty strong mutual understanding of each other. Since we broke up in 2008, she has dated 2 other guys, but nothing serious ever came of it. A couple of times I have asked her to get back together with me. Her response has consistently been that she just wants to be friends. I would love to take her with me if she were open to the possibility of getting back together with me, but I feel that she is really no longer interested in me romantically. Since I am specifically looking for a romantic weekend, it just might not work with her.

My second possibility is a young undergraduate who has been working at a lab across the hall from me. I have a huge crush on her. We know each other in that we say hello to each other in the hall. She was also around when I was doing rap Karaoke at a party in my lab, and as a group with around 5 other people, we had lunch last week. Personally, I think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever personally met in my life! A buddy of mine told me that she is single too. She works distantly enough from me that I am not that worried about a relationship not working out too. If I asked her out I would think of it as spending time with her and seeing where it goes from there. If she just wanted to be friends after the weekend, I would be OK with it, but if there was a chance of it extending beyond the weekend that would be great as well.

My third option would be a blind date. I have never been on a blind date, but my first instinct would be to let her know that I am on the spectrum so that she gets where I am coming from (something I would also have to do with the undergraduate I have a crush on as well). My buddy said that he could ask his friends and find me a blind date if it came to that.

Anyone have any suggestions?

If I was a woman, I would wonder if a trip to Miami would be to buy my sex. Whether it's fair or not to suggest that, I'm sure most women would think that to some degree or another.

I say tell option 2.

Tbh if a guy I didn't know that well asked me on a trip to Miami, just the two of us, I would be very freaked out. You've probably got to start slower if you don't want to come across as creepy. If you're interested in her then maybe try to have some more lunches with her or something and get to know her better.

1-Visit Little Havana in Miami
2-Eat in Casa Salsa owned by Ricky Martin
3-Star Island tour
4-Go to Larios Resturant owned by Gloria Estefan
5-stay in the Cardozo hotel owned by Gloria Estefan

Sorry. I might be wrong, I don't know how confident she is or how much you actually talk, but that's just my first impressions from what you wrote. You should still ask her out though, just maybe not for as long as a weekend... not to start with anyway.

(unrelated question - What is your phd in? It's always exciting to find other phd students on here )

You have a crush on a certain girl. Ask her out. Waiting is only hurting your chances and leaving the door open for other suitors.

Generally a trip as first meeting with unknown person is seen as attempt to buy sex, if not that then at least usually it is seen as creepy. I guess being so loaded that relative to your income that trip would cost you as much as dinner for middle income person could make it less creepy, but that going to loan money bought trip as first date would be even more creepy.

Gremmie:
The truth is painful some times, and I think you are absolutely correct. I am going through a phase where I feel so lonely that I would gladly trade a kidney for a long term girlfriend with a strong possibility of marriage (had to add that marriage part in because it is my kidney after all). I was just so into my narrow field of view, hoping that I had finally found a way to solve my problem, that I couldn't see how others would see it.

curlyfry:
I am very reluctant to do anything other than say hello, or try to engage her in a conversation in a group setting. She is WAY out of my league for many reasons but the two most important ones are that I am probably 15 years older than she is (I am 35 and she is 20 or 21), and she is very petite and skinny (superficial I know, but it does turn me on) and I wouldn't be surprised if I literally weighed 2.25 to 2.5 x her body weight.

Additionally I still have bad memories about the first woman I ever tried to flirt with. I did what came naturally to me and was just being myself (that is what everyone says you should do right?): I looked at her because I found her attractive, but I remained non-verbal because I was intimidated by the idea of talking to her, additionally I didn't want to discuss my feelings for her verbally (it's just not who I am). This happened during a 2 hr lecture in a psychology class we were both taking. I didn't know how long was appropriate to look at her, but I was determined to send her a message. When she didn't respond to me I figured I would have to flirt harder, which resulted in me staring at her even longer.

By the end of the class I figured I would be able to evaluate the results of my 'flirting' experiment. Well she stuck with her friends and did not leave me a chance to talk to her after class. I didn't know what to think so I just let it go. I soon noticed that she was afraid of me, and avoided me at all costs. One time over a year later I was walking down a hall with a 90 degree turn. Out from the other side she emerged. We almost bumped into each other, and as soon as she noticed me she jumped back and screamed. I just stood there trying to convey an "I'm sorry" look on my face and hope for the best. She quickly ran off. From that point on, I was haunted by guilt over what I had done to her. I liked her, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was scare her off!

That and other similar experiences have convinced me that women are EXTREMELY random. No matter what my intentions are when interacting socially or professionally (with the exception of teachers and bosses, where the relationship is more well defined) with women there are always unexpected and unforeseeable side effects. I was even fired from my first lab because of such a misunderstanding. Shortly after that I learned about Asperger's. I have also found that it is much safer to just act passively around women and not interact with them unless it is necessary. I don't always follow my own advice though. Makes me feel much sadder and lonelier though.

Anyway experience has shown me that no matter how I feel about a woman, interacting with her is not only confusing, but also potentially very dangerous. As much as I would like to ask her out it is much TOO DANGEROUS to do so in a work situation (honestly, I don't know where my mind was when I typed above that I was not worried about this).

Gremmie:

My special interest is biological psychiatry. I basically want to know what is different in my brain from NTs. I don't believe in curing, (how would president Obama feel if someone wrote him a letter saying they wanted to cure him of being black?) but I do believe in treatment. By that I mean that I want to become the best Aspie I can possibly be. I truly believe that the more I understand about neuroscience, neuropharmacology and neuroplasticity, the better I will be able to do so.

As for my PhD it will officially be in cell biology, but my thesis research is in studying how serotonin, stress hormones, and proteins involved in neuroplasticity effect drug addiction and relapse in drug addiction. I fundamentally consider myself to be a neuroscientist.

Take me, I am your best option.

On a serious note, are you being serious paladin???

I am having the impression that you just want a date for a weekend trip and not for a lifetime! What the ....

What this should be called? A new term should be invented for this: A trip date? A tour companion with benefits? ....hmmm?

I suggest you to google "Escort service in miami" because this what you really want.

I apologize. I know it must be frightening at times. I think the miami escort is a good idea. Maybe you could ask them if they have someone who could coach you during your outings so you can learn what are acceptable approaches. You also would be saving on airfare.

I don't think few hours of advices from escort, therapist or anybody is enough to teach you that much about social skills, situations and norms as the original poster needs. He probably needs to read a book or several about social skills and situations for ASD/Asperger people. Using escort's other services could just leave him hungry for more, so that is probably not a good idea.