Ever wanted to be a "better person" for a partner?

Post Reply New Topic

There was a movie out several years ago with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt called "As Good As It Gets." Jack Nicholson played a man who had OCD (and an abrasive personality) who falls in love with Helen Hunt. He seeks treatment for his OCD because, as he tells Helen Hunt's character, being with her made him want to be "a better man."

I was thinking about this recently, and I'm not sure if I've ever known anyone who has done something like this for a partner, or had a partner do that for them. I've heard so many stories of broken-hearted people lamenting a lover who won't change to save a relationship, e.g., "He'd be a great guy if he'd only stop drinking," or "I love her but she's spending us into the poorhouse," but never the opposite. Even when the consequences are dire, the choice seems to always be to stay with the status quo.

Do you have a story - one way or the other? Did anyone ever change for you? Did you ever change for anyone? Did you ever refuse to change for a partner, or have a partner refuse to change for you? Did it save the relationship? Do you have regrets, one way or the other? If you could change the choice you made, would you? Do you think Aspies are different than NTs in this area?

I don't have a 'story' per se, but I know that in the past having a girlfriend has made me realise my potential. Sometimes I had forgotten I had potential. From dealing with my issues all the way down to improving my posture and eating better. To use your example, I don't see how seeking treatment for OCD is "changing" for someone. It's called manning up! Haha. It sounds normal to me, I was under the impression that many people see it the same way as Jack Nicholson's character. *shrug*

Last edited by CoalBogey on 02 Apr 2011, 10:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, though not in any particularly specific way. Love has inspired me to want to be a better person.

I've felt the same way. I wanted to become a better person when i was in a relationship, and alone I just kind of slack off because I don't feel like I'm worth it...

ToadOfSteel, for the last time, will you please start using L'Oréal products?!

^ or Head & Shoulders.

Yes.

I saw the post title and was going to post... "That was a good movie." The OP beat me to it tho...

From what I've found from my relationships is that changing each other is part of the relationship. Hobbies, interests, tendencies; you steal those things from them as you stroll along. But in reality the character played by Ms. Hunt in herself was seriously as messed up as her counterpart, and they changed each other in the end. Which is why he told her "we could live without the wise cracks" and she said OK.

You can't change someone. But changing yourself slightly can pave the way to a happy relationship, no? In my last relationship I was given a ultimatum which I found extremely irritating with the latter option being a breakup. i told her we're over then... which she didn't expect or care for, but we had prior issues and where unfortunately traveling together at the time, lol.

Point is, I didn't change... but I have better hygiene and 2 new hobby's due to her presence. I also have a better sense of mind and reality - a better grasp of subjects which I was priorly foreign to, and overall it was a good useful experience. But my general opinion is that every new relationship is in a sense a way to improve on your own life, and every relationship ends with a moral - even if its as simple as "duck".

P.S Thats my favorite movie.

Actually I do use head & shoulders.

L'Oreal can go screw themselves though

John Frieda is supreme.

I think it is good if you are inspired by a partner to be the best you can be. But it is not good to have a partner picking at your faults then that prompting you to change. You need someone supportive and loving, not someone disapproving.

Then what you really need is a fine bottle of Vodka.

Thanks for responding, folks. Rather than nagging, ultimatums, etc., I was thinking more in terms of behaviors or issues that are truly self-limiting and/or damaging to the relationship. Things like untreated depression, anxiety, compulsive behaviors (eating, lying, shopping, etc.) - things that are detrimental to an individual, but also inhibit true intimacy with a partner.

Have any of you ever been on either side of that type of conversation? How would/did you react? Do you think it's a partner's job to accept you completely (even in the above circumstances), or can you truly love someone but be unable to be with them because you feel like you're enabling them? How would you want a conversation like that to go? Is there a "best" way to approach it?

I have, but I cannot really tell you any details on a public forum like this.

Lets just say that love can motivate change, if you feel the need for challenge your problems. There are definitely limits to what is possible and doable. And as someone already said, getting treated for OCD isn't really 'changing yourself' except in a rather superficial sense.

I think that ultimately love isn't a strong motivator. If you genuine believe someone loves you as you are, then you don't feel a need to change. If you believe that you would be loved more if you changed, then you are motivated by fear rather than love.

If I had problems that would affect the partner I would try and keep them away from a partner. For example if I was an alcoholic I would choose an alcoholic partner who liked it. With AS yes there are accomodations the partner has to make but I would choose a partner who didnt mind making them in exchange for accomodations I might make for them.

Yes I have. One example is I am extremely obsessed about money it causes stress and impairments in the relationship but I am getting better at it. It just makes you a control freak and makes you try and control what your partner can do for fun because you are stressed out over money being spent and get anxiety over it because you are so worried about going broke. So he takes care of the finances now. We share the same bank account. Even I hated my own money obsession because it made me cheap and I sometimes felt selfish because of my own money obsession and it made me be controlling and telling my partner what he couldn't do because it cost money. So now he does the finances because it was too stressful for me. Since then, things have been better and I have loosened up a bit.