New relationship with an NT guy - advice needed please.

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I'm in a new relationship with a NT guy. Prior to that I dated a guy on and off for over 10 years. We saw each other once every few weeks for a few hours. Now, the new guy wants to spend quite a lot of time together, like Fri/Sat nights and maybe another night during the week and I'm finding it really hard. I get to the point where the sound of his voice is too loud and I just want to scream 'STOP TOUCHING ME!" Is there a polite way to tell someone "I want to spend time with you but can you not talk and don't touch me or if you really have to, just hold my hand but don't play with my hair/touch my face/ rub my leg/play with my sleeve/etc. And did I mention don't say anything?"

I find myself getting annoyed and irritated with him for being emotionally needy and clingy, but I honestly don't know if he's abnormally needy or if it's me. The guy I dated before was the 'strong, silent type. This new guy is more emotionally expressive and seems to be stressed all the time about every day life events. I don't understand how I am supposed to respond to that. Maybe he's just saying 'I'm really stressed' the way people say "I wish I was dead" or "I could eat a horse". Maybe it's just an exaggeration or a habit of speech. If he's as stressed and overwhelmed by life as he says he is, it's a wonder he gets out of bed in the morning.

He asks me if I care for him and what do I say other than 'Yes'? Obviously I do because if I didn't, I wouldn't be spending time with him. Is there another layer to the question or a different response I should be giving? I guess i really want to know what a NT conversation would look like in this regard so I can work out what's missing. I just know this will end up like other relationships and friendships that have ended with some accusation about how there's something wrong with me, that I should just 'know' and not have to be told what I'm doing wrong/not doing etc.

Just doing everyday things like normal couples do like going out for breakfast and browsing in bookstores is terribly distressing and stressful for me due to the sensory overload of the situation, on top of the sensory load of having maybe just spend about 12 hours with another human being instead of being quietly at home with my cat. I don't know how to make him understand without sounding like a complaining, whiny princess who is making it all about her.

The problem is, you have to make him understand if you want the relationship to work. It won't work out otherwise: it'll just frustrate and irritate you.

You have to be able to tell him, "I hate crowded places. We can't go to them," and then both of you can figure out where you do like to go. If you don't make it explicit, all it'll do is annoy the hell out of you, and confuse him because you didn't let him know how much you dislike these things.

From an NT who has just entered into a relationship with an Aspie, all I can say is that honesty and clear communication seems to be the best course of action in this kind of situation. As with any relationship, we all have our likes/dislikes/tolerances/intolerances, and we all have to learn/understand about these things in order for the relationship to work and be successful. This is even more important when one person is an NT and the other is not. From my personal point of view, if my partner was more open about this kind of thing, then I would have a greater understanding, and ensure that I never pressurised him into being in a situation he isn't comfortable with. As it stands, when he doesn't want to do something, I don't know whether it is just because he just doesn't want to do it, or if it's Aspie related etc.

Hope this makes sense.

It seems to me that you haven't been clear enough about how your AS affects you, and it certainly isn't unique to us for someone to have to say to their boyfriend "we spend to much time together, I need breathing room", it'll probably shatter him for awhile, perhaps mostly out of guilt for not realising, but that's what I'd do

but we're the last group of people you would want social advice from, unfortunately we also know the most about AS so it's a dilemma

I think that sometimes the behaviour a person displays is actually the behaviour they want to be shown. If he is touching you and clinging to you, maybe he subconsciously feels that it's always him who reaches out. I can understand why that would be, though. One thing I do when my husband is irritating me like that is to take his hand and move it to somewhere more comfortable, or I take his hand off my body but keep holding it so that he knows that I still want him to be there.

About his complaints, is there a way you could get him to be a more positive person? Like when you see him each day instead of asking how he is, ask him about something that made him smile that day. If that's too obvious, tell him about something that made you feel good that day and then ask him for a similar story. In time, perhaps he'll think more positively about the world around him.

As for the loudness, I agree that you need to make it clear that you feel uncomfortable.

Thanks for the input folks. I only saw him for a few hours last weekend and tried to explain a bit more about what was bothering me, but it does seem like I'm giving a him a list of things that he has to change or do differently in order to be in a relationship with me. That seems kinda wrong. Maybe the problem is me and I just need to find someone I am more compatible with.