What should I do...

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There's a girl one year younger than myself who I first noticed very shortly after she first came to my high school over four years ago - she is really, really, really hot. I never said anything to her for the first while, then about a year later she saw me out one Saturday night. She was with a bunch of friends and she was quite happy to see me - which was a pleasant surprise. At school over the ensuing days, she was really, really into me - she kept hugging me whenever she saw me, and told me I was really cute on a couple occasions. A few days later I asked her to come out with me for a bite to eat after school, but she never took the bait. So, I took the hint and left her alone. I never heard from her and she never heard from me for the time being.

About 11 months later, at a school dance, she walked in and when she noticed me, she was extremely happy to see me and gave me a really tight hug, saying that she missed me. A little while later, we sat down together on a bench, and she was holding onto me tight, with her legs overlapping mine. I held onto her too, and she told me again I was really cute, and she pinched my cheek. We talked and talked, then after she went off for awhile with some female friends I decided I'd get going since I was tired, so I asked her for her e-mail address. She gave that to me then gave me a really long, tight hug again. A couple weeks later we went out, and she was really into me that night too.

Trouble was, she also had a boyfriend. Things slowed down a bit for awhile but we continued to keep in touch a lot. Some months later, she got me to come into her place a couple times to help her with her computer. She had me with her alone in her bedroom, but I didn't make any moves since there was a task to be done, and there still was a boyfriend (a different one by this point).

Further on, eventhough she lived a short distance from the school, she got my mom and I to drive her home after school each day. Later on we talked a lot about my life, and she really got me to look deep inside myself and get to know myself better. She really showed that she knew me well, and eventhough at first I didn't take to her probing very well, I soon realized she cared very much for me and wanted to bring out the best in me. All through this there was still a boyfriend.

At this time she is overseas for a number of months, but we have kept in touch online and I've talked to her about things, and I feel I can talk to her about just about anything. She still has a boyfriend, although he is here and I am not sure how things are between them. I know she has had feelings for me in the past, she cares a lot about me, and I've had feelings for her since before she even came to me.

I would like to talk to her about my feelings for her once she is back here, citing the fact that I know she has had feelings for me, and how much she cares about me. I feel the only obstacle I have, albeit a significant one, is the boyfriend. If she is back here and she is still with the other guy, should I sit down with her and express everything? Out of respect for her I don't want to make her decide between two guys, but I think there is something worth going for. I do understand that if I do this I will have to stress that if it isn't going to work, I would still want to be good friends. Should I also tell her how I feel she is the most beautiful woman on earth?

Keeping my focus on one girl and looking forward to a few months from now might also open a door to others having interest in me, as I would be slowing down my interest in others.

Comments and suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!

Last edited by ELLCIM on 02 Jan 2006, 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's up to you. That's all I can say!

Of course it is, but I'm looking for what other men here would do in this situation, or the female's point of view.

This is the way to get support. That's for sure.

A female POV: She has a boyfriend. She's off-limits, unless she's in an open relationship.

((I went though this with a freind who had a crush on a chick with a fiancee. GOD, did that get old fast. OFF. LIMITS.))

It seems to me as though she was interested in bringing you out of yourself, she wanted to help you. She maybe thought the need the help and boost your self esteem. If she was interested in a relationship with you she would have gone out with you in high school.

But now that your both grown up quite a bit, her feelings may have changed, but I don't think so, because she still has a boyfriend, still willing to court other men other than you, not being free to go out with you. But you still have the choice to ask her if she would be interested in going out with you. She may have the boyfriend because you havn't asked her.

Like I said, I don't know how the present relationship is going. If there are problems, then my move might be a door opened for her. Something more could have developed in high school if I had greater confidence and actually made a move on her...I did have the opportunity on the occasions that she was free.

It's a long shot, but the probability of having success with her is higher than any other girl, since no other girl has EVER shown ANY interest in me (other than one girl online from 100 miles away that I met through Yahoo Personals, but she has disappeared). The probability may be low, but I'll go for anything at this point. She's the only girl that has come to me, has cuddled with me (she initiated), and has told me I'm cute. If I don't at least express my feelings to her, I probably will never have a chance with anyone again. No matter how much I try to believe in myself, all girls can only see the Asperger's, and this one girl is one who can see past it and understand me for who I am. She's very hot too.

I'm going for her for the same reason that we play the lottery - the odds are not in your favour, but since there's no other easy way to get $20 million, you play it anyway.

As a side note, I do not believe in mutually exclusive dating EVER, before a couple is engaged. I believe it only causes hurt in the long term, and if a girl has existing guy friends (and vice-versa), they get shut out of even the friendship. Full committment is for marriage, NOT a dating relationship. People should be able to have boyfriends/girlfriends, but until they decide to commit to marriage, they need to be open to other possibilities.

Sorry I keep having these Joe Dirt flashbacks.

From experience I would say find someone else. Be aware that this other girl may become a lot more interested when she sees you with someone else (yes, many girls are backstabbing evil minxes; ) so you need to decide what you would do if that happens.

I was in the same situation, pretty much exactly, when I was in college. I had a problem with the boyfriend thing too, but I'm ashamed to admit I succumbed to temptation and we had a little thing.

It was a bad, bad idea. When I realized she had no intention of breaking it off with her boyfriend, I was really hurt because I'd developed feelings for her, but she would never see it as more than a little fooling around. And most of all, I felt really awful for running around behind his back, and it was eating away at me worse than anything else I'd felt before. I really wish I hadn't let my testosterone get the better of me.

Regardless of whether you think monogamy is a good idea, most people do, and they have an expectation that their relationship is going to be exclusive. If you do anything with her, someone, and maybe all three of you, are going to wind up very hurt.

Unless you know for sure that they have an open relationship, or she breaks it off with her boyfriend first, I'm with Serissa. Off-limits.

Jeremy

Don't you think I've been trying to find someone else? There isn't anyone else that likes me. Girls don't like me, no matter how much I like to think they do. The only ones I seem to be able to get any positive contact with are all online, live at the other end of the province, or live in the United States. Nobody at the university I go to has any interest in me. Now, there is this one girl that I like who used to live here but now lives about 90 miles away, and I don't know if she is interested in me romantically, although she has showed some interest. She is single, I know that for a fact, and I know there was another guy recently that she turned down. Distance is an issue here.

Maybe it's the crummy place I live. It is very, very snobby here, and the only people that get any respect around here are rich gangstas and drug-dealing criminals, not to mention those statistics I posted in another thread show women outnumbered by men in my age bracket. I was in Toronto recently and I found it to be a much friendlier place, and you could flirt lightly with strangers without being accused of harassment. In the 32 hours I was in Toronto I was treated better by the two women I talked to than I have ever been treated at home, except by that one that I've liked for a long time. In fact, despite the crime problems in Toronto, it is still a safer and far more friendly place than the city I'm from. My city is full of rich people that don't talk to people with less than three BMWs. I'm getting out of this hell-hole as soon as my parents let me, which is in about 20 months from now.

Very interestingly, only half an hour after I posted this message, I had a real nice e-mail from one of the online girls for the first time in weeks, the one who has been the most interested in me. Perhaps finding an MP3 copy of that CNN hurricane theme earlier today is what did it? We first met online just before Hurricane Katrina. I was watching CNN's coverage with Larry King just hours before the hurricane came ashore, while I was first chatting with this girl on MSN and things started to heat up. The hurricane theme became immortalized as associated with her.

Maybe the world isn't as bad as I thought. But it's ironic that Hurricane Katrina comes into this.

Right....

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't tell her how beautiful she is and that you love her or anything like that. She will think that you are coming on too strong. Save that kinda stuff for when you eventually become her boyfriend and you are having an intimate moment. She has a boyfriend at the moment. She has the comfort factor there. She also probably wants out of the relationship but doesn't want to be railroaded into making a decision. If you force her to make a decision she will not be happy.

What you SHOULD do is make yourself part of her life, get chatting online, MSN, Video conferencing on the phone if you know her well enough to call her. Flatter her, don't talk about yourself unless she asks you something about you or you have a shared experience that is funny etc.... If you want someone to fall in love with you then you have to ask all of the questions and get them doing all of the talking. I find that if I flatter, compliment, joke, even tell them off for fishing for compliments... they are really happy. If they are happy when they are with you, they will want to be with you more. And the more this happens then the more they will be sad when you aren't chatting. This is a sure fire win win situation you have here. You just need to play it right. If you sound needy, she won't want you. If you sound really positive and only try to make her a really good friend, then you will probably get more than you bargained for.

Just my pennies worth....

I agree. David DeAngelo wouldn't agree with us on the complements, but if it gets them to laugh or do something flirtateous, it's all good. Your strategy is good, and is easy to integrate with GroovyDruid.

Only challenge I have at this point (aside from the existing boyfriend) is the distance. Talking on the phone would not work because she is in Asia and I am in Canada, and I don't exactly have much money to be spending on frequent phone calls to Asia. But once she comes home for the summer (which may be as early as April) I will see.

My concern would be that since she is willing to betray her current boyfriend, she may do the same in the future. I think fidelity is an important character trait to look for if a serious relationship is what you're after.

I never said she was willing to betray her current boyfriend. All I said is that I don't know how things are going between them. If he is causing problems, then she would be right to betray him. If I were possessive, disrespectful, unloyal, or whatever, then I wouldn't expect the same. I don't know much about their relationship though.

No, she'd be right to try to sort out the problems with him, and if she was convinced their relationship was going nowhere, to tell him so and move on. I'm not being old-fashioned about this; I just can't see how betraying someone who's put trust in you when it isn't necessary to achieve some greater good can be justifiable.