What are some effective techniques at getting dates?

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For most of us Aspies out there, we don't have any real clue on how to go about in this area. Getting a boyfriend or girlfriend can be quite challenging because we lack social skills and/or don't know when certain social rules should be implemeted. Even though I am brilliant in many areas, I have to admit that in this area of social rules I am kind of ret*d. They never really taught us these things in school anyway.

Nevertheless, I refuse to be set back by a handicap. So how can you get a boyfriend or girlfriend if you have Aspergers, especially if you don't really understand social rules? What are the appropriate questions to ask them? What are some good ideas for a first date?

I am clueless.

I have no idea I would love to know but I think it may be way too late for me.

Use a means you're comfortable with, whether in person or online,
to find someone you're compatible with,
whether based on lifestyle, beliefs, or the type of relationship you're desirous of,
initiate contact on the basis of that similarity, be respectful and get to know them,
and then ask if they'd be interested in pursuing more, and pursuing more with YOU.

That's how it works for NT's and Auties alike.

What worked for me (after much trial and error ... mostly error):

Bathe
Floss & Brush
Wear clothes that are clean, ironed, and appropriate for the event.
And ask for the date! You'll get nowhere with hoping and wishing and making googly eye at her or him.

Once on the date, the same rules as above apply, in addition to:

Listen attentively, remembering what was said.
No head games; just say what you mean and mean what you say.
Smile and be cheerful - Laugh often, but not when someone is sad or gets hurt.
Remember your "company" manners - say "Please", "Thank you", and "You're Welcome" when appropriate.
Leave the cell phone's ringer off during the date (no calls or texting).
Sit and stand up straight - Stride, don't shuffle.
Keep it nice, especially on the first date - do not ask for or offer sex unless you really know and trust the person.
Be generous, especially when tipping (20% will cover almost anything).
Chew with your mouth closed - take small bites.
Do not express anger or sadness - make up a happy story if you have to.
Make eye contact - do not stare at her breasts or his crotch.

Finally, if you've asked for the date, expect to pay for it whether you are male of female. This 'rule' makes particular sense nowadays when couples may be of the same gender.

undertry (beginning and middle stages of a relationship, not necessarily later on)

Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Let a medium mistake simply be a medium mistake. Take it to the side as it were in recovery, if you need to recover from the 'mistake' at all. Sometimes 'mistakes' add texture and end up being a good thing.

Be yourself. Think in terms of engagement, not conformity.

Be open to appreciating the other person, doesn't mean it's going to happen, just try and be open to it.

Be open to imperfect conversation and conversation that ping pongs back and forth. Toward the beginning, keep your stories on the short side (and exceptions to this, as always). Sometimes the date takes the conversation in an interesting different direction, sometimes it comes back to the interesting point of your story you were planning to make. Both are fine.

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Very specific skill. Let's suppose you're in a bar (not really recommended) and let's suppose you're taking a seat to order a drink. 'Hi, how you doing tonight?' You say it at the beginning. You say it casually. You say it really before you 'scope' out the person and see if you're interested. This casual conversation is part of the process of seeing if you are interested. (What you don't want to do is sit then like a tense individual and then like three minutes later say something, unless something obvious happens on the TV or in the bar. <--and so, as always, there are exceptions)

Think about Sierra club for hiking.
a writing group
an atheist group perhaps? (or a religious group)
a podcasting meetup, etc, etc

I am an aspie and a fairly successful accountant and was CFO of a sales driven organisation whenI got divorced about eight years ago. I had difficulty chatting women up in bars and deliberately had a policy of not chatting up the staff at work.

I therefore decided to use my knowledge of statistics and of sales management techniques to find a new partner.

I spent about three years on RSVP (A big Australian Dating site) and over this time had probably about three dates per week and used statistics to monitor how well my "pitch" on the dating site worked. After a while I also became good at dating

Dating, like all sales based activities, is a numbers game and a contact sport. The more you practise the better you become!

Good for you! Congratulations on your new skills, and how you're able to use feedback and trial and error.

Perhaps like you, I also learned a lot from both political activism and sales. And it's a lot more honest than people might think. It's a light, respectful ping-ponging back and forth as a person loosely looks for common interests. (the 'light' part can be hard for those of us on the spectrum, it's like the zen art of action by inaction, of undertrying, of imperfection in conversation almost being better than 'perfect' conversation and so much more interesting in any case).

And, as a relatively new member, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Don't bother. Dating is a complete waste of time.

It is! Then, you hit it off with someone and it's amazingly easy. And the two of you even learn how to fight fair. (I have been close a couple of times, enough to keep trying. I have also learned to be good to myself and give myself ample downtime and ample personal space. And I'm actually kind of looking forward to telling my next potential girlfriend, hopefully by the third date, that I'm aspie. It's a conceptual whole that explains a lot about me and I think she might "get it.")

Some tips? What I learned is if you really want a long-lasting relationship is to be friends with them and don't rush it...

The image you give to other people is key. I actually met my girlfriend because she began approaching me first, then we got to talking, and things went from there. But it wouldn't have happened if I'd been physically unattractive.

I have some acne, but in my experience, a lot of women in my age range (I'm 22) don't care too much about it. Even so, I try my best to take care of it with skin products. Shaving regularly, diet and exercise are worth it. You don't have to be sculpted like Apollo or anything - just get yourself into a reasonably attractive shape if you aren't already. Skinny isn't bad at all (I'm on the scrawny side). Even hefty can work, especially if you have some muscle to back it up. Also, the clothes, as they say, make the man. You don't have to buy name-brand stuff, and in fact, often it's better if you don't. Get some stuff that flatters you, and remember that that doesn't always necessarily mean dressing nice. A ratty old hoodie and a dirt-stained pair of blue jeans works for more people than you think.

I see you're old enough to drink, so going to the bar with friends is a good idea, even just to people-watch. Practice conversation with people you trust. Being confident around people of your own gender is a huge first step in being confident around the opposite gender.

As far as what to say, what questions to ask -- people like it when you ask about them. What does she do for a living? Where did she go to school or college? What was her major in college? What are her hobbies, her interests? Does she have a favorite book or movie? If you've never read or seen it, what is it about? Why does she like it? When she replies, try to ask another question, avoid saying "Well I like..." in response as much as possible. An interested woman will ask you the same questions. If she asks them first, ask them back.

This bit's difficult for people with AS, but try your best to consciously focus on eye contact and body language. Nod, chuckle where appropriate, say "mm-hm", listen and show her that you're listening. Leaning forward slightly is a tell that someone is interested in what you have to say, for instance.

Above all, remember: There are a lot of men WITHOUT Asperger's Syndrome who are no good at dating, so you're far from alone. You're also no less of a man, so be confident! Dating and relationships are an art, not an exact science, and like any art, the more you observe, the more you learn, even if you can't quantify what you've learned.

Sounds like you met my ex wife mate!

Hehe. I for one also would not bother. I just lay in my bed and fantasize I'm with any lady I want.

(Thread moved from Autism activism to L&D)