Hey JulieKitty! I need your advice!

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So I came across this ad at Plenty of Fish (thanks again for the referral):

“I'm a photographer. If you want to know more about me, go to my website - no it's nothing naughty...just my work!
www.imagesbyrenate.com....
I was born in Germany, but have lived in the US for many years now. I love art, football and men who have this certain something... well, I like them intelligent and liberal in their views... after all good sex does start in the head... the brain, I mean... tsk, tsk...
I am quite tolerant of anyone's opinion - wrong as it may be - and hope you are, too.
Well, that's more about who I want you to be, isn't it?
Oh, well, if the shoe fits... let me know... maybe we can try it on for size....”

She’s my age, within 100 mi., and looks like maybe she’s a little AS herself. My first impulse was to direct her to Wrong Planet so she could know everything about me. I feel like George Costanza, every instinct I have is wrong. So I remembered what I learned around here about how important it is to “to maintain some mystery.” What do you think I should say to this woman in an opening e-mail, and how do you feel about playing Cyrano to my Christian?

"If evey instinct you have is wrong, the opposite MUSt be right"

Costanza is a genius!! ! Genius I say!

Please, please, go gently, Mr Mark.

Do not declare true love and certainty that she is your kindred spirit in an opening email. Give her a chance to figure it out for herself or she will think you are a freak. Telling her that you are aspie in an opening email may have the same result.

I hate George Constanza. But I hated "Seinfeld" generally. It made me cringe. I'm not good at tolerating stupid people ie people that never learn from their mistakes.

I think in an opening email, you could be really specific about what you liked about her, I haven't seen the fish profile so I haven't got much to go on.

Maybe you could say that you admire tolerance for others too, and you consider yourself fairly intellectual. You still read books (most USA people don't ! !! http://www.boingboing.net/2006/07/07/co ... ublis.html )

And you like her photos. Single out one photo and describe why you like it.

And tell her you'd be interested in exchanging emails or meeting up with a view to getting to know her better.

That would be plenty for an opening email. Try to keep it to one screenful, not twenty screenfuls.

Always when you're looking for a partner the sooner you meet up the sooner you find out if you are chemically compatible. For me I can get along really really well with someone, I can like how they look in photos but until I'm within smelling distance - I don't know if it could possibly get serious. But you start with friends gently not full on serious.

I agree with Wobbegong's advice.

Specifically, I'll second no mentioning autism right away. You're likely to scare her off. Have a couple of dates with her first, see if she likes you and you like her. Then, once she already knows you don't bang your head against the wall or talk about trains for hours, you can bring it up if you need to.

Thanks. Good to see you again.

Okay, I did it. I'll keep you posted.

36 hours and no response. I’m a poor judge of what’s reasonable and realistic in these and similar situations. How long should I wait before I start bothering her some more? I was thinking I’d send her an e-mail through her web site telling her to check her mail at Plenty Of Fish, but surely the POF web site sends notifications of new messages.

(“Hey, don’t bother that girl! I want to bother her!” )

I'd suggest a week.

I don't check all my email addresses every day. I've heard that women on dating sites can get rather a large number of emails, so it might take her a while to get to yours even if she does check regularily.

In a week, just try again, be sympathetic. She must have so many emails to go through.

And in one more week I'd give up and maybe send something like "I'm guessing here, because I'm not good at reading between the lines, that you don't want to email with me and you're too polite to tell me - or the last guy you told bit your head off"

And don't send any more emails to her.

Yeah, thanks.

On Yahoo! I put 30 feelers out there in 30 days and got very few responses. I responded to every no-thank-you note with a thank-you note. Are there really that many guys out there who won't take no-thank-you for an answer?

Statistically speaking (meaning I am not saying anything about you personally), you are more likely to receive no response. That is just how these sort of services work.

You should send a message and then forget about it, and expect no response. Then if you do receive a response, it can be a pleasant surprise. But if you (or anyone) EXPECTS to get a response, then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I do not know the actual statistics but probably only 1 in 10 messages receives any response. You should just simply expect that you will need to send many messages to different people before making any progress. Therefore it is silly to become fixated on 1 person before receiving a response from them.


That would only be appropriate for someone you know well. Certainly not appropriate to direct a stranger here to read your posts.

I wouldn't say I'm fixated. I've just become a lot more selective. My wife and I were together for fourteen years, so the prospect of never again being in an intimate relationship is not as disheartening for me as it was for a man half my age. I also think I'm realistic. I think there's about a 2% chance of any two NTs hitting it off, considerably less for aspies. I've lived and I've loved and it'll be nice to do it again, but it's also nice to feel free to do whatever the hell I want to in my own home.

I would say it looks like you have focused too much on this person who has never said anything to you and probably never will. Prior to receiving a reply, this advertisement by Renate deserves no more than 15 minutes of your time/attention. Write a message, send, forget about it.

Exception: If you are using this as a general learning experience, for example learning how to write good initial messages to people, then it is worth spending more than 15 minutes. But otherwise, you should not be dwelling on it.

I'll take door #2.

I know full well that if I ever meet this person, I might find her to be flakey. I've been around the block a few times. Believe me, I know what fixated is. Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to do this better. I'm also trying to learn how to have fun doing it. It's like I get the complicated stuff, but I have no sense about the basics, like how long to wait before I bother her again. (I asked a roommate once, "How long do you think I should wait before I call her?" and he said, "Wait?" ) Yeah, I'm fixated on the process.

Hmm I never got a reply on any messages I sent on dating sites. 2 girls "winked"
me on match.com and I meet one in real life. I had no picture in my profile so I was not surprised by the low responce to my messages(zero responce!). So Emp is
right if you had a photo 10% chance, no photo 1%, if your super goodlooking,
smart, rich and single well your odds are 100% (that your gay!).

See here http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... ht=#263466