Getting Through To Him

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Hello All,

So, I'm an NT gal, and I am trying to find new ways of communicating with my best friend and companion, who I suspect has AS. We've known each other and been close for several years, occasionally making attempts at beginning a deeper relationship that always seem to peter out as soon as we try. It wasn't until he had his last major meltdown that he told me he thought he might have AS, and after doing some research, I feel like it explains so many of the roadblocks we have run into. He isn't interested in getting a formal diagnosis, and we have not talked about that since.

A few nights ago, we had a rather deep conversation where we discussed the idea of marriage. It's something that we've brought up in the past (sometimes jokingly), but this was more serious than before. We've both acknowledged (and shared) that we love each other very much, and have very good chemistry, similar interests, etc. He told me "If I was going to marry anyone, there's no doubt that it would be you. I just don't know if I can handle being married."

I asked him to expand on that a bit, and most of his concerns seemed to revolve around how much alone time he requires. A few years back, we lived together for two months which (in a one-bedroom apartment!) he had trouble with, and I didn't understand why. He's had irritating roommates before and, I believe, one live-in relationship from many years back that he doesn't like to talk about. I fear that the failure of these attempts might have hurt him very deeply.

After a lot of thought and lots more reading on the topic, I feel like I want him to know that I am willing to give him the space that he needs. I really do believe that if we can learn to communicate in a way we can both understand, we can overcome the problems that we've run into in the past. What I don't know is how to say this to him, and how to make him feel like a happy relationship might be within our reach. Any ideas where I might begin?

Thank you,

P

Because you know him so well, I would say focus more on what you are trying to convey and less on how he will receive it. Normally, that is idealistic advice, because most people can't handle raw vulnerability, but it sounds like he can. It has to come from the heart. We can't tell you what to say or how to say it. As long as you mention your willingness to accommodate the space thing and any other chief concerns of his, then it's all good. He needs to know that there is nothing to be deathly afraid of.

Thanks for replying!

Well, the raw vulnerability seems to be one of the issues here. It has been difficult at times to broach these subjects without inadvertently saying something that will cause him to shut down. I am having trouble figuring out exactly what they are. Now, I'm so nervous to counter his reasoning because I don't want to screw up! Even though I am armed with some new knowledge, this is exactly the kind of crux that has set us back in the past.

I wonder if it might be better to write it all out instead of having a face to face?

That would work with me. I can't speak for all people with AS, but I would appreciate the accuracy of the words and saying what you really mean. Most people want the raw honesty, but maybe he's like me in that he needs the right wording. Although I appreciate honesty, I prefer accuracy.

Just leave him be. Stop trying to "make him feel like a happy relationship might be within our reach", stop trying to solve and fix everything, stop trying to "get through to him".

Most of the guys I've been involved with have been rather aspie-like. They always say that I'm so relaxing to be around unlike how they find most people. I think it's about not putting pressure on them. If he's sad, let him be sad, if he has a problem, let him have his problem. Stop trying to fix things and just let him (don't try to make him) feel like he has your support.

It's bad enough to feel bad, but then other "concerned" people just make it worse because then one feels like they have to please those concerned people on top of the original issue.

You emphasize learning how to give him the space he needs, but at the same time you also emphasizing learning how to communicate better. ***These two things are completely counter to each other***. Communicating when it does not come naturally is pressure, and it is stressful. Maybe it comes naturally to you, but not everyone. Sitting around talking about feelings and relationships is draining.

If he's stressed just offer him a massage or something and don't demand that he "communicate" or whatever.

I realize not talking and stuff would be hard or impossible for you, but I am guessing that's probably what he needs.

It would help if you would mention more specifically what problems you have had in the past. You just allude to "roadblocks" etc.

I don't have much advice, I wish you luck.

I know in my relationship, we both need honesty and respect. If my bf needs alone time, I respect that and vice versa. Honesty can be hard sometimes but it's a good thing to aim towards, although as my Mum says "people can only be honest when they are allowed to be". Bearing that in mind, when something is said in an honest (but well meaning way) try (on both sides) to react in a calm manner. This can be hard because sometimes (NT and Aspie alike) people find it hard to both be honest and recieve honest communication.

Use of 'I' sentences when talking about feelings can help communicate feelings in a way that's safe for both people. (Example: "I feel __________ when _________ happens", "I'd like for _____ to happen more")

Avoiding you language also can result in clearer communication because neither of you would then feel attacked when communicating an emotion or emotional need. (Example: "You never ____", "You always ________")

Hope I added to the help that Mindslave has given. I hope all goes well for you ProperPPY.

Thanks to all of you for your input. You've given me a lot to think about.

Best wishes to you all,

P