relationships/sex

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I have a question for aspie males in a relationship. First I'm a n/t female my boyfriend is a/s we've been together for 7 years. We have a very seroius problem, its gone on for a while now.
When he wants sex we have sex. but when i want to he does'nt want it to. he won't even let me physically aroused him. It's just always no, when i want to get intimate. He's striaght and not cheating on me and still attracted to me. can someone shed some light on to this ? he says he does'nt understand it him self

A lot of autistics have trouble being touched at times, or being intimate, etc.

It's not a matter of being turned on or not. It's a real difficulty with being intimate (or, sometimes, just being touched) that comes and goes.

sounds like your boyfriend desires to have control over the sexual aspect of your relationship. and it sounds like you have been willing to accommodate that aspect of his personality. i don't think it is just intimacy or sensory issues, to be honest, or it would be a more consistent thing.

does he have the primary input into which sexual acts you do together, or in what manner, or is he at all willing to compromise in the bedroom?

I would have to agree moreso with this. I don't like to be touched much. I don't rough house with friends and I really hate to be ticked for any reason. I only feel comfortable when being touched on my own terms, like when I want or expect it. In a relationship, however, that person stays in my comfort zone and can touch me when ever for whatever reason. Yes, even as a guy, I have had moods where I did not feel like being touched by anyone, so I would even turn down sex, but those are few and far between with a significant other.

So it never happens that he wants to but you don't?

Must confess that 2 things I don't like about sex are when I want to and my partner doesn't, and when she wants to and I don't. The first makes me feel rejected, and the second makes me feel invaded, and the feelings in both cases can be pretty strong. It doesn't necessarily affect my behaviour, but I wish those mismatches didn't happen.

I think it's best to try to sense the partner's state of arousal, if you can, so that there's no great loss of face or other negative stuff to have to deal with, if it's not the way you want. It's good if you know how to arouse your partner.

I don't know if it's easier for a woman than for a guy to be compliant and go against against his/her real wishes at the time. Without an erection, any kind of sexual activity just seems ridiculous to me.

My partners have hardly ever felt comfortable initiating sex directly - even the bisexual, radical feminist who used to pay all the bills when she took me out, NEVER made the first move, though beyond that she was proactive enough. The few who tried to initiate were abrupt and clumsy about it.

This is a relationship of mismatched libidos-
not relevant to Autism or NT differences.

Reminds me of one my cats. She usually runs away when you try to pet her, but sometimes she'll accost people and start head-butting them and meowing.

Sometimes people are in the mood, and sometimes they are not. It's not that complicated. Can't you think of situations where sometimes you really want something and other times it is not appealing at all? Like maybe certain kinds of food, or movies. The worst thing you can do is try to make more of it than it is... ie worrying about him being gay or not attracted to you. Aspies get really mentally absorbed in things and so something that tries to pull them away from that can be annoying. Aspies have trouble transitioning between activities or states of mind.

I think the fair agreement between the two of you would be for him to reject you nicely and not get mad or anything for asking.

I get the vague impression that perhaps you say "yes" when he wants to even when you don't want to, and you feel resentful of that? If you say "no", is he mean about it?

You know the idea that men want sex every minutes of the day is a myth right?

I believe this is a asperger issue seeing he has aspergers. I want replys what would help me not insult him or me. Please this is real problem. I thought this is somewhere i could interact with people (like him or like me) who could possibly give me answers to things he might not be able to articulate. It's not mismatched libido's that would me we have different sexual appetite and at different times. I have the right to want intimacy when i want it, I don't need to be a super feminist . It's completely normal for girls to initate sex. I've tried this see how he likes"No", then try to arouse him later only to be turned away again and again until I give in when he's wanting it. I want helpful answers not insults(I'm definitely not clumsy)

Only males and helpful females reply!! ! I'd like to know anyway I can handle this. And yes it has gotten to the point where he controls this part of the relationship because I've learned my lesson that he won't let me have any control it. Don't tell me to break up with him I want to understand him because i do love him

Yes you have every right to want sex when you want it, and it is normal for women to initiate. You are not entitled to *getting* sex whenever you want it though.

Do you feel like he does this just to annoy you?

The way you go on it looks like its not sinking in : If he's not in the mood he's not in the mood. It's not a matter of you doing anything wrong. Not all men are sex-vending machines where all you have to do is press the right buttons.

When he rejects you is he absorbed in some other activity at the time? WAtching tv? Reading a book? On the computer?

How does a woman initiate sex?

OK. No. Seriously. Yes, sometimes being an aspie and a certain action or non-action is related, but sometimes it's not. As someone on WP once said, "If you've met one aspie, you've met one aspie."

If he was neurotypical, would you assume it was a neurotypical issue? Aspies vary in personality just as widely as neurotypicals.

I assume that it is something related to him being autistic (not wanting to be touched/be intimate can be intermittent), but it could very well be that he feels the need to be in control of sex (which is unrelated to being autistic).

Let me ask these two questions:

1. Do you have physical contact only when he initiates it (meaning that, if you try to initiate physical contact, he shies away)?
2. Do you have sex ONLY when he initiates it (meaning that he refuses you EVERY time)?

Actually, there are more that should be answered. For example, how does he react to you telling him "No"? Have you told him that you want to have more sex? There's a lot of things that need to be answered before a really accurate assessment of the situation can be given.

Is this a trick question? In a relationship a woman is likely to initiate by accosting the man and hugging and kissing him. She might say something subtle like "Let us screw now."

I'd say it is relatively common in NT/NT relationships too, that one side has higher sex drive, and thus that couple always has sex when the less driven wants it, and not more. How often you do it anyway?

No it wasn't a trick question. It's never happened to me, so I really didn't know. I thought we still lived in a sexist world in which the man did all the chasing and accosting. I thought women just sat there in low-cut dresses saying things like "let's have a night in together."

well, the way that i initiated sex with my future husband (which started as a one-night stand) was along the lines of the very-seductive and oh-so-sexy line, "i've got a condom." many women do initiate sex (and get turned down, i might add).