not sure what to do

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so ive been dating this guy for almost 2 years and we live together, but i am going nuts and don't know what to do.

im a pretty lonely person... ive dated people but never really "Dated"... i find someone and i get all wrapped up in a long-term deal. For the most part, this is what I want, it's just that sometimes I feel like I have no soulmate, that i could fall in love with anyone and that it always seems to take me +3yrs to get out of a bad deal. I know most people are after just a shot a realationship, but I'm having a serious identity crisis, having just found out about aspergers and rehashing how all of my lovelife has puttered along.

In relationships, I tend to just blend into my partner's life. ie- I have no friends of my own and all his friends just kind of become my friends and I am just a new addition to their life. Only, I've found that in most relationships, i never feel really comfortable with the friends. I know they're nice and i like them, but it just seems i can never find something to talk to them about... and i know these people, lol. So even at social gatherings I either wind up saying nothing to anyone except my bf or even falling asleep! Most times when im at a party, Im just thankful that most everyone is drunk/high and dont really notice that im off in my own little world.

I mention this because while i could do w/o parties and things of that sort, i know i should go and try. My bf knows I'm shy; he'd been pretty good at staying close to me so i have someone to talk to... but he's giving me some kind of tough love stuffn now, where he just leaves me and expects that ill do fine. I hate it and I'm miserable the whole night.

Other things he'll do is ask me to drive him/people places... Now, with just us, I almost never drive. I get lost all the time and (for me) I haven't lived in this town long enough to feel comfortable driving anyway... I suck at split second decisions and just can't handle it. He knows this but I just don't think he really understands how it gives me anxiety... But he'll still like call me up and ask if i can pick up him and ___________ from some random place around town.

And now, with all this stupid stuff we're fighting a lot... And I cant stand that either cause he doesn't want to talk... He just thinks he can say he's sorry and try to force a hug on me, which I can't stand. I can't ever seem to communicate to him what these little tests do to me and so i usually just say nothing. I don't even try to express my frustration anymore and I just try to let it pass, cause GDit... I should be able to pick ppl up who are like 4 blocks away.... And yet, to add to it... He thinks I don't love him cause i wont talk to him anymore or wont let him touch (hug) me even when he's trying to understand why the stupid things that upset me, upset me.

And i'm at a loss of what to do. This kind of thing has happened before. I just seem to have irrational emotional issues... While it might be (cute?) for a while, trust me, this wears away and ppl get tired of it.

I just feel muddled and i often just don't care if him and all his friends were gone and i were alone. And to top if off, I now am dealing with the fact that there probably is something wrong with me and that i probably won't grow out of it... and that is just making me more bitter about even attempting to perform these stupid social duties.

Unfortunatly, you just have to learn to live with some things. I dont know how much you've tried to explain things to him, or how much he knows about your condition. The main advice I can give you is to try and have a real conversation with him. Show him information about asperger's and try to explain how much it affects you personally(as we know, its a spectrum so symptoms vary in severity). I know its tough trying to even come to terms with being autistic, not that I think it's a bad thing, but to just find out out of nowhere that you were born "defective" in a way almost gives you a reason to feel cheated. I myself never even knew what autism was really, or that I had it until about 2 months ago or so. Now I find myself reassesing EVERYTHING that happened to me in the past and how asperger syndrome played a part and what those events actually did in molding my personality. Its a hard pill to swallow, thinking you just weren't good enough your whole life when really, you never had a fighter's chance to fit in most likly to begin with. I get to see now that the mistakes I made could have been averted if only I had gained some awareness of this sooner.

Always remember though, you're not a person with AS, you're a PERSON with as. You deserve the same as everyone else, it just might be a steeper hill to climb than others. Look at the positives that autism has given you and exploit them. You probably have an ability that you might not even know yet, try everything.

And by the way, even NT's will say that LOVE is the hardest game of all. That's what makes it the most rewarding. You have to find someone willing to try to understand and help you, yet realize you're not looking for a hand out, just a push in the right direction. You have to find the happy median between give and take, and how to communicate with your partner. Errors can be repaired, as long as they are acknowledged and understood. You might not be with the right guy yet, you might not have asked him the right questions to know yet. All you can do in this world, in anything you do, is to be passionate, patient, persevering. I hope you find some help from this advice.

Tell to your boyfriend that you have personal things (AS) that you need to learn and you need to learn how to deal with that. Tell him that if you want to know better each other and/or get along that you should have a talk.

Let him know what you wrote in your post (maybe not everything but the most important)

If you don't feel fine, tell him, he would probably try to know what is not working and try to help you.

Good luck !

Bye !