Abusive relationships, an opportunity to learn about them

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Started in the bad dating advice thread

I guess my aversion to controlling behavior has served me well.

How do people accept that, leaving for the moment the subject of other abusive behavior and indicators?

A quick google produced this list of other signs. I don't see how it can hurt to just post it:

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

Has a history of bad relationships.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.



That looks like a pretty standard set, based on my limited experience.

Some people will justify it with other things or do what I did and say, "well, I can't get any better" or "I deserve it." There is an unhealthy mentality for both parties involved usually.

So, it seems like a reasonable trade-off, at least at first.

Would reading the above list before it started have helped, do you think?

That seems to be a pretty good list.

Abuse usually starts after the abuser feels he's got you, and it starts off very small. "I would rather you didn't wear that skirt. It shows too much and I think it objectifies you." There's almost always a "I'm only saying/doing this because I love you" thrown into the mix.

Over time, it gets less subtle but by then the woman is generally trapped due to isolation from money, friends, family... etc.

I can relate to that. I had a co-worker who would compliment me and others until we started to seek his approval (he was an incredible cook), then launch into tirades of irrational criticism.

At that point, I just started ignoring him, but we did go through that same cycle twice.

Yeah. My last ex was emotionally manipulative and didn't want me to talk to any of my other exes, even though I'm still friends with them. Then eventually he was actually controlling what I ate because "I want what's best for you" while he would eat half a pizza on his own, I was allowed one slice. Looking back, I would call that relationship abusive based on the above and that he would need to be in contact with me from when he woke up to when I went to bed. Otherwise "something must be going on." He was such a sweet boy that I didn't notice the abusiveness until after his mother forced him to break up with me.

So yeah...abusive relationships suck.

Sounds like abuse to me. With domestic partnerships, though, it's a cycle that's a lot harder to break from. There's that "But he loves me" justification. Then there's the sobbing, apologizing, and promising to change stage after a particularly abusive act or incident. It's like a honeymoon all over again. They're suddenly the person you fell for.

It never lasts, though. They always go back to abuse. Then the cycle starts all over again. Each time, the abuse is a little worse. Each time, the honeymoon phase is a little shorter.

Precisely how they hook you.

Not every abuser does it on purpose, but that should never be a reason to stay.

That could warp someone's perceptions, even if they had a pretty resonable view to start.

I guess if I can know about this stuff, and still not comprehend it at all, then I shouldn't feel surprised if smart people still fall for abusive creeps. I think I was targeted by a sociopathic girl recently, in fact I was sure enough to retract all invitations, though we continued to joke with each other at work.

Abuse is something you hope never to truly understand because it's something you have to experience to understand.

Yup. People are confused as to why I fell for them even though I'm a "smart" woman but sometimes one can be too trusting for their own good. *shrug*

Sometimes girls go for abusers because the abusers appear to be very confident & have high status/power.

BTW I notice I meet a few of the criteria on the list but I don't think I'm an abuser. I think some of it is related to being an Aspie

People tell me I'm demanding because I'm very picky about things but I'm not conotrling

I'm NOT violent at all but I have a short temper with my family sometimes

I think this is common for most people with AS if they have a history of relationships

Overreacting to things can be common for Aspies

Some of us have histories of being severely bullied & things because of our Aspie issues

Sounds like an Aspie meltdown.

Some may say I'm possessive & jealous as well but I don't think I am. I get obsessed & I'm very protective when there's a problem

Last edited by nick007 on 18 May 2011, 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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This is a good website that lists types of abuse. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domesti ... ffects.htm