How do you get through the night?

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Hi,
I'm new here. So if I'm doing this wrong, please let me know.

I've recently lost a husband of well over a decade. Lost as in separated and divorcing. We will not be reconciling as he's just really a confused and misguided person, but I miss him so very much. It feels like forever since I've had a grown up conversation, or been held or even had my hand held. My bed is big and empty and I lay awake and obsess about our talks at night and all of those little things..... I know splitting up is the right thing to do for me and the kids, but I catching myself just as I go to call him.

When does it get easy? What makes it easy? He's been my world for such a long time and I don't know how to "move on" or even sleep alone.

It'll get easy, years from now. Until then, you are going to hurt and then hurt some more. I strongly suggest relying on friends or family for social needs and NOT trying to replace him just yet. It will be tempting but such a move won't work, it never does. Seeing as you have children with him, is there no option of reconciliation?

I have been separated for the past six months, this is my second marriage and the second to go down in flames. Presently my wife and I are considering getting back together but, as you surely know, when there is 'just so much water under the bridge', it is sometimes impossible to reconnect. I'm hoping for us that isn't the case but we are now in two different states (her in Texas, me in North Carolina), making the prospects more dim.

Have you tried support groups or counseling (local agency or church associated)? As for social outings, have you considered going to meetup.com to find something interesting in your area?

I've never been in your situation and I generally don't mind being alone at night, but I do think you sound like a very strong person.

I think people can form emotional attachments on many levels, and while I think it can be an unrecoverable tragedy when a person loses someone with whom they were truly in love with, I also think that one is not deeply in love with every person they have a deep emotional attachment to.

My grandmother was married to her second husband for about 15 years. During that time, they grew apart, and though they tolerated each other, as they generally kept to themselves, it really got to a point where she couldn't stand him. After he died, however, it did take her time to adapt to the fact that he wasn't there.

Reconciliation is not an option. He is habitually unfaithful. I cannot stand the thought of listening to promises that turn into lies when he gets the itch again. We have been through counseling in the past and worked through it, but this one was hard. Very hard.

I work and have three kids so there is little time for anything after work and when they are in bed. There will be no replacement either. I just want to stop the sensation of something so important missing.

I do wish you and your wife well. Some things can be worked out

I am very much in love with him, it's just too hard to life with him. I don't want to think it's unrecoverable....

I don't have much advice, because I haven't really been where you are- my longest relationship was only nine months long, but music can bring comfort and strength.

Check out Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" lyrics...in fact, check out her whole "21" album (its post breakup material) I just listened to it on Youtube probably 5 times in a row...

I wish you well!

It's best to hear it, with her soulful voice, but in the meantime-the lyrics alone can help...perhaps.

"Set Fire To The Rain"

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you're here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watch it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time
The last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn

I like the 'break up music' idea. It is tried and tested with legions of advocates. I am one as well, I'm sure everyone gets there at some point.

If you are having a specific emotional response, you might consider seeking a doctor's assistance. Whatever the emotional or behavioral aspect of your difficulty, there are numerous 'meds' that can be helpful. You're probably well aware of the options. As you know, if you are having a hard time sleeping, there are numerous sleeping pills over the counter or through prescription that can help you get a full, uninterrupted night's sleep. If it's anxiety about sleeping alone or depression or even obsession, there are numerous prescriptions to access for those conditions. If you are really having a tough time, I would strongly recommend going for the meds as a temporary assistance, if not longer term.

Quite possibly it is the stress of the situation or your responsibilities? Have you considered taking a couple days off, leaving the kids with family and maybe getting away for a couple days? Clearing your head is a great way to start your process, go visit someone or a place you've always wanted to see.

You know that you have to be strong right now, you've got three kids depending on you. That additional responsibility is tough, it gives you less options for caring for yourself. However it also gives you more focus and purpose, which can be good for you.

It sounds to me like you've lost a battle that you knew wasn't going too well for a long time, so in some ways you're probably kind of prepared for this change. Regardless, I know the sense of loss you have, when my wife left it devastated me. It wasn't until after she left that I found out that I might be HFA/Asperger's. I discovered that one of the reasons I may be having such difficulty with her departure could be due to the socializing and relationship difficulties associated with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I have no close friends and have everything invested in my wife. Making the transition away from the shocked condition I was in initially has been difficult, but I am succeeding. If I had a doctor and some medication to help me through, the journey would've been much easier (I didn't and don't have the money). For you, maybe getting such help would hasten improvement in the emotional/behavioral elements of your separation, all of which are worse for a person with an ASD, for sure.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Last edited by Dinosaw on 19 May 2011, 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

By staying up as late as possible wasting time usually.

Yep thats what I do.

That's it in a nut shell. I don't like taking any kind of sleeping medication being alone here with the kids. My psychiatrist hasn't recommended any medications. He simply states that this will resolve in time, that there is a grieving process. I understand these things.

thanks everyone, for weighing in.

It will get easier when you start really, really, really believing this ---v


Infidelity is (and should be) a deal-breaker for most people in any sort of relationship -- let alone a marriage.

It is a deal breaker. I have forgiven in the past..... not sure why, but not this time. It got too ugly.

You are catching yourself from calling and that is a major step. The third month I was really desperate and almost threw myself at the mailman. I couldn't even listen to romantic songs. When we first separated I did not sleep and barely ate and lost about 30 lbs. I didn't have friends cause I stayed in the town where my ex is from and I only new his family and a couple others. I was so angry I was gritting my teeth and my jaw would ache. I was fine after about six months cause my ex had moved in with someone and I didn't care I was even sad when it ended and even discussed things when counseling didn't work.

I am very good today and won't be worried about missing him until the kids are in bed. Three months, six months from now maybe I will have improved.

yeah, this was my advice also. after a breakup a person can expect to unfortunately lose quite a lot of sleep, or get quite moody, or perhaps even get physically run down they recover from the breakup. it's a huge change, and it is almost impossible to make it through the other side smoothly and easily.

it is definitely complicated when you have kids because you have to exhibit a certain amount of strength and responsibility (just like you were saying), whereas a person in other circumstances could allow themselves to break down a little more. but at night... when the kids are in bed and you don't have work and family to keep you occupied, then the thoughts and frustrations probably arise a bit more.

for me, instead of distracting myself (which works for some people), i face the issues head-on and inspect the situation frankly. it works for me because then i can intellectualize the circumstances and eventually desensitize myself. but it is incredibly painful as i work through it.

sorry to hear it didn't work out with your husband, but it does sound like you made the best possible choice for you and your family.