Is this true? If so then maybe I don't have AS after all

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http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/01 ... aspie.html

1. "relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for neurotypicals" Is this always true? As a lonely 42 year old, a relationship is my TOP priority.

5. "An Aspie needs time alone. Often the best thing the NT partner can do is give her Aspie the freedom of a few hours alone while she visits friends or goes shopping." I've been alone for too many years. My only fear is that I will scare my GF away by wanting to be together too much!

8. "Aspies do marry, and while NT partners can be frustrated by their lack of emotion and physical contact" I was married for 19 years and always expressed MORE emotion and physical contact than my spouse. maybe I am not an aspie after all?

9. "They often do not feel the need to express love" Completely opposite for me. Not having love reciprocated was the problem.

What do you think? Are these things cast iron facts for aspies? I have read similar bold claims in other sites (just Google "living with an aspie") and I just don't recognize it at all.

Don't read it, looks like a pile of crap made up by people who don't know aspies or aren't aspies. God some of this widely publicised BS is really starting to annoy me.

There are a lot of sweeping generalisations made about aspies based on the experiences of someone who lives with a specific aspie. There is a wide range of variations amongst us too. Also what we regard as not enough or too much expression of love / affection may not be what NTs (in general) regard as such. Subjective evaluation of ourselves regarding our interactions with others can be severely flawed. For example I used to think I was fairly good at reading people and their intentions based on their expressions and body language but a test showed that in reality I am way below average in this area (lowest 2% of the population).

Oh, that is so narrow-mindedly WRONG- aside from the exception I will make in interpreting the 'need time alone' not as 'not ever have a companion or loved one in life' but as 'need time to decompress and empty one's social stimulus cup when amygdala is getting overstimulated, at intervals, rather than 24/7 social onslaught' As both certain real life Aspies and other broader books and sources will tell you, not only is what you describe of yourself frequently the case, but some Aspies will feel emotion 'too' strongly or need hugs way more (the other extreme than what is listed). Please don't 'rule out' Aspieness by some of the generalizations we may read here. According to recent news, at least there are brain scanning techniques improving, that may someday validate us all...

good luck! I know what you mean. (really... closest you'll come to people's knowing is other aspies in same boat!)

Thanks for the reply. My current long-range GF brought this up: she Googled about aspie relationships and found all this depressing stuff, and it's making her nervous. She reads stuff where aspies talk of NTs as an alien species, and I think she's imagining that if we settle down together I'll become a cold recluse with multiple issues she has to cope with, as these "I married an Aspie" links seem to suggest. I'm not sure how to reassure her, except to say "I must not be an aspie after all because I swear I am not like that."

Might not be true for everyone, but I would say it is for a lot of us to SOME extent (maybe not extreme for everyone). It seems to fit me quite well. For me I do want a relationship; however, I have resigned myself to the fact that it is never going to happen. Even if I could physically, with my looks, attract a guy, I would not be able to sustain a relationship properly.

I definitely need time alone, though I do envision a relationship with someone who I love to be with all the time. Still, as much as I love my family, I still need time alone sometimes (when I have to rejunivate it HAS to be alone--I don't care how much I love someone, I cannot rejunivate with people in the room; it is impossible for me to do). And and for me, time alone is just that: time alone. It is not shopping with friends (I don't see how that equates to alone time....that is, IMO, personal time, not solitude.)

I'd be interested to know the rest of the sentence for #8. Will have to go check it out. Anyway, I have a lot of emotions, but I do not know how to express them well. Also, I would have to find someone who does not like a lot of physical contact because one of my sensory issues is that I abhor light touch. It doesn't matter if it is from a stranger or a person I love...my tactile senses still cannot stand light touch.

#9 is a bit ambiguous to me. What do they mean by expressing love? Verbally? Physically? Sexually? Romantically? I have no idea. I guess I would have problems in this area. I can say I love you, but it might not SOUND like it has as much emotion behind it as it really does. In the other areas: well, I am not physical, sexual, or romantic (for romantic things--I do appreciate some forms of romance in the movies, for example, but I do not know how to be romantic or to accept romance on my own though).

Not everyone here is going to agree. Keep in mind, I do not have "mild Aspergers". I have severe HFA. I am certain a lot of people with my severity level with HFA and AS can relate to me on some of these points.

I just read the top ten Google results for "married to an aspie." What a train wreck! It makes me want to carry a bell and wear a sign saying "unclean" in order to warn away normal women!

The top result is a horror story! A woman who warns others against marrying aspies. He pretended to be normal when they were dating, then destroyed her life, and most people are not aware of this danger so she is warning other women!
http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Pull-Up-a ... -p/4989427

Result 2 is titled "exhausted:" "He is not affectionate, helpful, or in any other way there for me. There is no thought given on his part to what I need or want or feel. Those of you with AS spouses can relate, I am sure."
http://www.psychforums.com/asperger-syn ... 55722.html

Result 3 is a list of reasons why aspies are horrible partners
http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/01 ... aspie.html

Result 4 is slightly less negative, but is still a cry for help: the AS husband is uncommunicative, forgets her, and when she needs help he just withdraws.
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/s ... 10148.html

Result 5 is another "I can't take much more" cry for help.
http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/ ... -t337.html

Result 6 is ways to cope with the many problems that AS causes - your marriage WILL be worse!
http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/new ... pie-989851

Result 7 is the first positive one, but it is faint praise - the example of a great aspie marriage is where BOTH are disnosed the same.
http://veiledglory.wordpress.com/2008/0 ... or-aspies/

Result 8 is positive, but even then it'shardly a ringing endoresement - it basically says "yeds there are problems buit we get by OK"
http://kathy.thetorrences.com/?p=2508

Result 9 was not about the goodness or otherwise, it was this site (WrongPlanet) suggesting a new subforum.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt28062.html

Result 10 quotes result 3
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=1 ... &topic=172

Good grief! But looking deeper, some significant facts become apparent:

1. Selection bias
People only post a thread if they need help. The vast majority do not even knoww they have aspergers.

2. Scapegoating
The exact same problems are present in non-aspies. "My husband does not pay attention! He spends all his time on his hobbies!" this is not Aspergers Syndrome, this is My Husband Is A Jerk Syndrome.

3. Diagnosis bias
Only the most extreme cases are diagnosed. You can tell that by looking at the scare stories: they describe husbands who have rigid routines, zero empathy, and need to be taught the simplest things. in 99% of cases these examples just do not apply.

4. Individual differences
All kinds of people have happy relationships. The biggest factor by far is how much effor they put in. Find someone who knows his weaknesses and compensates and you he nothing to fear.

5. It can also be positive:
http://theotherside.wordpress.com/autis ... dvantages/

6. Lies, damned lies and statistics
A lot of sites claim that, according to a Durch study, 80% of aspie marriages end in divorce. These and similar stats are either undermined or completely disproven here: http://www.autism-pdd.net/testdump/test31931.htm

I too have been very dismayed about how asperger spouses and parents are portrayed. even in Tony Attwoods books there is very negative messages about aspie spouses and parents.


I think it especially worrying as it could be used against people in divorce courts or in social work cases.

Ive not found any positive accounts, which is very cross making.

In my experiences of aspie men they are no different to NT men except they tend to have fewer friends and more deep interests, I think they are just as loving.

Consider the source. Happily married people don't post web pages about how great their life is, those that do are pretty boring.

It would be like judging the world based on watching network news, it's all doom gloom rape & murder. But if you turn off the news and go for a walk in a park, or take walk through a forest, you will see that the world is a wonderful amazing place.

Exactly.

If your GF is still afraid, I can have my wife come post something here - she's been threatening to join this site ever since the first time she read one of those "Aspie horror story" posts over my shoulder.

I am in a lOng term relationship with an NT guy and I ask him often if my 'quirks' annoy him. He says no, that they're the things he loves about me.

Its sad these women have picked on someone having a diagnosed difference as the reason their relationships aren't happy but as someone mentioned previously you dont hear the happy endings, only the horror stories. Dont forget more than half of all marriages go tits up so it's not exclusive to AS/NT relationships.

If you find the right person they accept you warts and all. It has nothing to do with having a development disorder, it's about being sure you're with the right one before settling down. Incompatibilities will always appear down the line. Success of a marriage depends on whether both parties can adapt to each other. It cannot alwaysbe expected for the NT to have to change to suit the aspie. In fact oddities needs to change to suit the other then
There's a problem. They arenot with the person they want.

A positive thing about AS in relationships is that at the same time I understand there can be AS people who are as*holes etc. I honestly believe that overall AS people are more likely to be GENUINE - which can be a bit of an oil and water thing with other people.

Your partner also needs to be genuine - and be upfront about things - my wife was initially just very much like that - ie. the sort of person who would just say what was on her mind - so we kept on track pretty well. Oddly enough we started to have problems as she got older and "mellowed" - so the upfront ended up falling back a bit and resentment started building. I was totally oblivious of course until there started being explosions. Fortunately we discussed it (had it out is probably more accurate) and came to realise what was happening and adjusted accordingly (all this before we had even heard of AS ).

And don't get me wrong, I believe I can be as deceptive as the next person, but I don't do it just for the heck of it like normal people seem to.

Last edited by Wooster on 03 Jun 2011, 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think I had the drive to be in a relationship when I was younger but I eventually aquired it. There was a noticeable disconnect between my interest level and that of my peers for many years.

AS delays many things, it doesn't remove all interest in them. And the idea that what is true at one age is true forever is not accurate.

All of those but the first one fit. I wanted a relationship because I wanted to have kids and I didn't want to be a single parent.

I am not sure how my husband feels but I know he is not frustrated.

Honestly relationships are not my forte and I find them draining if I have to keep following the rules and to give what the partner wants and it's a 24/7 job. I am not a relationship type person. I even thought at one point I could be one of those aspies who is unable to have one because I didn't think a guy would want me. They would want me and then find out I am not what they wanted and leave me. And I am "mild."