I don't know where to begin...

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First, I have to say that I am a bit uncomfortable with offering up the last 8 months on a forum, so please bear that in mind. With that said, I really don't know which way is up any longer...

I married my wife last October, we originally knew each other in HS. I let her go for stupid reasons, and she went on her way and married someone else right out of HS. I thought about her many times over the years. Nearly twenty years later, they divorce, and we end up dating. Our dating period was bliss really, no large issues. I only had one red flag, we don't tend to solve problems well. I have since learned that it is difficult for me to respond reasonably when she is emotional, and having ADHD, she has very strong emotions. Near the time of our marriage, she came down with horrible asthma due to breathing in roofing tar at work. Her health has not been the same since. She has been on Steroids 8 times and Albuterol consistently and a laundry list of other drugs. Her mental state has much improved over the past month though, in a lot of ways I feel like I have her back. She has been away from Steroids for at least a month and a half now.

In the middle of all this crap, we both began to entertain the idea that I have AS, I believe I do (she knows she has ADHD). I've been struggling with this a lot, I don't like the idea that I have it, I don't want it. While I can appreciate understanding who I am, I am not happy about learning that I have a 'disability'. I apologize if that offends, it is the way I feel. We have had a lot of trouble in our marriage since the beginning, the stress of her not being able to work, our finances suck, her job treating her like crap, blahblahblah. We have been having more trouble here lately since we began to look at AS. Since the time she brought that up, we have also discussed the idea that I am sexually addicted, and that I may have anxiety. While anyone wanting to know the truth would examine each question carefully and with an open mind, I am having a harder and harder time looking at each possibility. On the sexual addiction, I promised her that I would no longer look at porn and take care of business myself. As the pressureof all of this has increased, I have had greater and greater difficulty not masturbating. This last week, she caught me with pornography, it has been a ****storm since. I apologized for the porn, but tried to explain to her that I was fair to myself for promising not to masturbate. The more I learn about AS and my sensitivities, I believe it was the only way I was allowed to cope as a kid. Is it unfair of me to expect her to try to understand why I feel it is unfair? Should I be allowed to masturbate without her feeling inadequate? Background info- she was cheated on/lied-to a lot by her previous husband, so I believe she is particularly sensitive to lying and the idea that she may not be enough to excite me, which is far from the truth.

My wife also believes that I justify my actions endlessly. I will apologize for upsetting her, and then explain that she was, at least in some small way, part of the cause as to why I did X or Y. Is this common Aspie behavior? Or is this what NTs do? I want to understand, and I want to improve, but I also want to be fair to myself. I do not feel like she has been fair to me.

I love this woman so much, but it is getting increasingly harder to know what is what I need to do, and where I need to be. I would appreciate any helpful comments. I do not feel like I can burden anyone else with all of this, there is so much crap to dig through...

Thank you for your time.

why wont your wife let you masturbate:/

Without her, she takes it personally... That she is not good enough.

but...i...what :S

does she want sex with you every day then?

Yes.

hmm. I think it's unfair to expect you not to masturbate. the porn part is more down to personal tastes/morals/feelings.
You should have a calm honest talk with her and reassure her that she is more than adequate and you find her extremely attractive, but sometimes still like to masturbate as it helps you relieve stress etc. tell her you want to be open about it and not have to keep secrets or do anything behind her back. Sounds a bit like it's the idea of you getting turned on by someone else that's he problem, so she probably just requires lots of reassurance and openess

I don't take offence because the perception that AS is a disability is a misconception. Allow me to illustrate with an example. Suppose one had a tool box and in it was a butter knife, and one concluded the butter knife was a flathead screwdriver and attempted to screw flat head screws with it. The knife could indeed screw in flat head screws, but not very well. It slips a lot and doesn't always fit in the slots. It's an inferior flathead screwdriver. But that's only because it's not a flathead screwdriver. It's a butter knife, and it excels at spreading butter. In fact, it far outperforms flathead screwdrivers at spreading anything, and cutting sandwiches, and it can even cut vegetables and meat on occasion, though not as well as a steak knife.

People with AS have a few weak points, but this is due to the fact that they are essentially butterknives in a toolbox. When measured with respect to the proper context we perform quite well. People with AS are specialty humans, excelling at certain tasks that most of the population performs poorly at. I suppose if you were a butterknife in a toolbox who really wanted to be a tool then it would be an issue but if you see yourself as a butterknife in a toolbox who really should be in the kitchen, and know your strengths, then it isn't so much so.



I hate to break it to you, but sexual/porn addictions are not a characteristic of AS, or OCD, or whatever else people like to try to blame them on. They are in their own class, which is, sexual and pornography addictions. That's not to say someone with AS couldn't have such an addiction, but it's not part of AS.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with a man masturbating...it's kind of unusual for a man not to do that actually. It should only be an issue if it's excessive to the point where it interferes with daily activities or relationships, or is done in an inappropriate place or at an inappropriate time.

Much the same applies to viewing pornography, with the addition of the fact that it's inappropriate if it's of children, and it's also inappropriate if your spouse objects.

If you are looking at pornography and your spouse objects, you promise you won't do it anymore and you do, then it's a problem.



That is a possibility, but the fact of the matter is you betrayed her trust. Wives aren't interested in technicalities.



Blaming others for one's own actions isn't specific to AS any more than it's specific to NT's. The only difference is, people with AS who do this usually get no where a lot faster, and if they are fortunate enough, come to realize they're the odd one out.

Your wife may be a contributing cause to your actions but ultimately, you are the one who decides which course of action you take.




I think you should seek marital counseling.