What are the dangers? A question for Aspies and NTs.

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I have a problem. There's this girl who I like, and I'm pretty sure she likes me too (of course being an Aspie makes a corrct guess nigh impossible). She knows me very well, and she knows that I'm an Aspie. From what I've told her so far, she seems to think it's interesting, she even said once that she wished she was an Aspie. The problem? The first dance of the year is in a month, and I'd like to ask her to go with me. There are some things she dosn't know about AS, and I'm not even sure my knowladge is complete. My plan right now is to ask her, but also tell her the potential difficulties in dating an Aspie. However, I'm not sure I know all the potential dangers. So far, this is all I know:

When I like a girl, I LOVE a girl. I love them so much they get scared away, at lest that's how it's always happened before. I never want to do anything wrong "wink, wink", I just love them too intensely.

I've never actually had a chance to show love to someone I loved before, so I might turn out to be a cold fish. I once had a girlfriend that I didn't really like, and I would always not do things like hugging or holding hands. It just occured to me that I might do this even if I had loved her.

If any Aspies more knoladgeable than I, or NTs with Aspie lovers, would care to add to or contadict this list of hazards of an Aspie NT relationship, I'd be very grateful.

PS: sorry for some of the rotten things I say about NTs on other posts, I only write those after I've read or told a bully story. You can understand right?

The best advice I can give is to listen and remember. Some advice I was given recently is to not to give to much information to fast.

I can relate to what you write. I've also scared women off in the past by being too intense too soon. I'm learning that it seems to be better to get to know the person well first. I would try to resist the urge to move too quickly. I find that the hardest thing to know is when and how much to say about my AS. I've also found it difficult to read the emotional state of the other person, and I tend to avoid confrontation. I see the lack of empathy in many people with AS, a major obstacle to successful relationships (I include myself in this). Reading your message, I think this may be one of your fears (a reference to "cold fish"). If you share common interests with this girl, that could really help.

A good book on the subject is, "The Asperger Love Guide", by Geneviere Edmonds and Dean Worton. Both authors have AS. It's very well written, with lots of practical tips for successful dating.

Good luck

Steve

Reminds me of something my older sister told me about me - I tend to give myself away too soon... she's the sort of person with an over-the-top personality, but when she meets someone new, she holds parts of her personality back, and slowly releases bits to get an idea of what scares the person away - Myself, on the other hand, will throw everything about me out and the person either gets frightened, weirded out, or both.

I've tried her approach, and I find it very difficult to hold myself back. Especially when a topic of great interest to me comes up.

That said, anything is possible. Go for it, and good luck!

Do not ...repeate...do not...tell her,how many children you would like to have with her(wait for the second or third date for that)


Honestly....when I like someone I reallyreallyreally like them...they become my new "obsession" ...this is very destracting when tring to make "boring" chit-chat about the math teacher...when you are think in your head about how cool it will be when you move to ...."mystery" place....have a pony that you can see her feeding every morning and those cats in the barn just had kittens and doesnt she look cute bending over playing with them.....keep all that out of your mouth and leave it in your head....I dont think I would bring up AS difficultys until after several dates when you are sure you want an exclusive relationship(you already know that...put pretend you arent sure for a while)then give HER the above mentioned book...if she finds it and you fascinating...yeah!!Start shopping for ponies....

I was checking out that book on Amazon.com. I noticed that the title says it's for AS adults. If someone has read this book, could you tell me if it can be used by a 15 year-old. I don't want to buy this book only to open it and find it talks about 18+ issues only.

PS. I'm really only 14, but my birthday is in 2 months.

BelaLugosi

First of all I think she probably already knows enough about AS - doubt you want to say anything about the difficulties of an aspie unless it really comes to that, that much metacommunication if your just starting to get into a romantic mode tends to be bad.

Also with asking her to the dance, please be nonchalant about it. Talk to her when you guys are just hanging out, mention it in an offhand way like its not real important or urgent but you just want to have her go with you, kick it, and have a good time. As for falling for women to quick it looks like you know thats a bad thing - good, stick with that logic and do everything you can to make sure your only going as far as she is and holding yourself back if you feel like your getting the urge to go overboard. Sounds like you have the self awareness, following through may take a bit of practice but seriously - if you get that under control you'll feel great about yourself (or at least get a major kick of confidence for achieving as much), the effort's definitely worth it.

Forget it guys. I was talking with this girl and some other friends today. One of my friends remarked "You two should go out, it would be hilarious". She expressed disinterest. Life goes on.

I've read the book and I don't think there is anything that would be inappropriate for someone of 15 to read. However, it is aimed at adults and the subject of sex is discussed briefly. The same authors have written another book that has just been released called, "The Asperger Social Guide". This might be more suitable for you. Do you mind me asking what you hope to learn from reading AS books? I've read quite a few books about AS, and I might be able to identify one that is particularly suitable for your age and specific interest.

Have you looked for AS books at this site http://www.jkp.com/ ?

Wow, this is very similar to the situation I was just in. Nice girl I thought liked me, might be autistic, seems to be going fine. So I'll tell you how my story went. I asked her to be my girlfriend or to go on a date, and she said no, and I was devastated. So my personal, ultra-pessimistic advice is to never take anything at face value and to assume that all human interactions towards you are based on some level on negativity.

I'd like to learn how to deal with NTs eftectively, especially in the dating arena. BTW, it turns out the girl is a lesbian.

My tip would be to, if you're going to tell her about dating an aspie anyway, to tell her that if ever she thinks you're acting strange in any way or in any way displease her, that she ought to tell you straight out, without any hints or guesswork, exactly what it is that she doesn't like, why, and what she want you to do differently.
That way you should be able to relax enough to treat her like you usually do, because if she likes you, that's why she likes you, and if you get all nervous and stuff, or start behaving too affectionate, you might, as you said, scare her away.

My advice, never expect women to make that much sense in terms of attraction - I keep hearing from NT guys that you can't win as well, showing feelings makes you a f-- and being mean makes you and a***hole - though they prefer the second but still want to keep their right to complain and rail on you no matter what and without that your just not really a suitable partner. I'd say while some girls are nice that's still true most of the time and even with 'nice' girls, they need a 'real' man and that takes a lot of throwing away what's been tought to reprep yourself to live in a cave and skin leopards, not that some guys can't do both but those who can have a little something going for them called good genetics where they really don't have to try at it. Its not that interations are based on negativity, human ape wiring is just really ghetto, impractical, and we really aren't wired to have souls - if we do have them it almost makes things that much more horrifying IMO.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out with this girl. I'm not the person to give you advice, as I've yet to have a really successful long term relationship (and that's after 25 years as an adult!), though I have had some wonderful platonic friendships with a number of women, many lasting years.

It seems to me that successful dating and relationships in this NT world require knowledge and skills that can only really be acquired through practice. But practicing these skills for a young AS adult often means repeated failure, and a risk of loss of confidence, self esteem and depression (well that's my experience). I feel that what is needed is more safe and supportive situations for AS people to practice the communication and social skills required to be successful at dating. I mean, for example, role playing in a small group with an experienced facilitator and helpful feedback. You can learn useful tips from books, but this assumes that you've got the ability and confidence to put these into practice.

I agree with the suggestion of asking the other person for feedback on your behaviour, if you suspect that you may have said or done something that has not been well received. I would recommend the two books that I've mentioned in previous messages, even though they are aimed at adults. The sort of advice that is in these books includes:

- Try to accept your AS
- Work to build confidence and self-esteem as this is so important in relationships
- Appearance is important
- Avoid looking and behaving desperate
- Consider starting out as friends
- Disclose your AS to the partner, but timing is critical and so probably not until you've dated a few times and the relationship is official

I hope this is of some help

Don't be discouraged and hopefully the next girl will be heterosexual!

Steve

Bela, why should you become so convinced so quickly that a girl is your ideal partner, anyway? People put their best feet forward in the first few months of dating; IMO you really don't get to know someone until you've been seeing them for at least 6 months.

Don't be so focused on your own faults and weirdnesses that you forget other people have them too, even NTs. It may turn out that SHE has a problem YOU can't live with. Remember that you too have value, and have the right to have standards.

Aye, I too have fallen victim to the "I'm pretty sure she likes me too" facade all too often.