Please critique - Attempt at romantic writting.

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Below is a "poem' esq writting. Attempt at being romantic. expressing mself. yet, it's a somewhat new romance...

Please critique it! I have no idea if it conveys the thoughts or meaning I'm trying to express....or, well, yeah.



I could name what I feel,
I could say it aloud,
I could try in sweet words describe it,
But what will this do?

Give it limits where it had none before.
Restrict it, so it cannot be all.
Create finite meaning where there was untold possibility.

I could try to understand my heart’s desire,
I could rationalize it,
I could pour day and night into unlocking its deepest meaning,
But what would this do?

It would concrete this thing that is beyond boundaries, and give it form.
But that form would be flawed. And it is perfection.
No thoughts can conceive it in its entirety, and thus no thoughts are worthy to try.

I could want more of it,
I could yearn for it,
I could grow to depend on it day by day,
But what would this do?

What it is now is pure, untouched, undefined. Itself unabashed and bliss.
It is not something of tomorrows. Not something of yesterdays. But something of now.
In this moment it is beyond anything, beyond everything.

To let it be, keep it pure and allow it to exist. Bask in its wonder, delight in its joy.
Content oneself with it as it is, here, now.
This unnamed.

it does not seem to rhyme.

Please take this as constructive criticism, because that's the way it's intended. First and foremost, you misspelled writing. That aside, your rhythmic structure is inconsistent. If you want to improve your writing you must be able to set a specific number of syllables per line and stick to it.

Interesting...

Maybe this is not the place for the type of critique I'm looking for.

Thank you for critism of the form used. I was more interested in the function, not the form, though.

Even if it doesn't tech. fit any sceme, and I am the last one to notice spelling errors, I think it is quite good. Keep writing! The world needs more positive voices, sounds like you have one. Keep pouring yourself on the page mispelled words and all. It is good for the soul, and for the ones who read it. I really like how it took a positive turn, I was starting to think it was going to be sad.

Well I'm no poet so I can't comment on the form and others seem to have done that anyway but in terms of the function (which is what I think you meant) I would think the recipient would be bowled over at you writing this for them, I know I would be. I think it's great that you are trying to express yourself in this way.

but it would not rhyme anywhere else either.

Well, for one, it wasn't real a poem, in the strictest sense. And, well...um, not all poems rhyme. There are numerous types of poems and each of them contains differing rules for constructing them. Not to mention that all forms have a shared rule...that any rule can be broken if it improves the perceived quality, mood, voice, etc of the writing.

I didn't mean anything derisive by that comment about this being the wrong place. It just occurred to me that the same reason I have difficulties with it, many here likely do as well.

I know the form, if I were to desire a poem, would need a major overhaul. I can write lots of empty poems that merely conform to poetry rule sets. I am attempting to broaden my ability to inject actual meaning, and well, I think I have a long way to go. This was an exercise in that direction.

Thank you for the critiques though! I will keep working on it.

On a side note. I wrote it shortly after narrowly stopping myself from asking this girl, that I'm having a romantic encounter with, where "this thing" was headed, or what "this thing" is. I stopped because it dawned on me that no actual good could come out of those questions. That as it currently is, it is wonderful and perfect. Why attempt to define this? No word could match it, because it is full of possibility. So I just starting thinking about how words limit what they describe, how speaking them could only end possibilities....and then started writting.

It's a nice poem, but romantic? No, not at least if you don't know the circumstances very well. All those coulds and particularly those questions make it sound depressing and insecure, which you don't want to aim for in romantic writing, unless you are sure that she is into that. I'm sure she would appreciate it, but it could also scare her.

If you really don't want the relationship to move forward, don't write a poem about that as such, it'll just make her feel guilty if she likes you, but try to describe why you are happy right now and don't want anything more. Be honest, if you want something more, then write that, but keep it positive, rather than hoping that she gets the hint when reading how you are willing to settle for what you two have right now because you can't reach your dreams.

I hope I didn't offend you, it's a tricky subject.

Not offended, just confused. I really don't understand what you are talking about. But! That indicates at the least that the meaning could be viewed differently by different people.

The point was that labeling a relationship, or an emotion, actually diminishes it. It creates limitations and boundaries. I'll need to work on conveying my message more clearly.

I personally like what you have written, and your use of language.
However, although I do not subscribe to a poem having to rhyme, or have a set number of syllables in it (I have read many, many poetry books that include poems that do not fit those forms), I would say this would work better as a short piece of prose, if you extended it a little.

Thanks for the explanation, I read a lot more into it than that, possibly because I don't understand how not even trying to understand and define something is good.

My point was that you should think of how the girl in question will read your writing, a message is a lot more than the actual words written, and different people will read it differently. She may like the depressing style, but it does seem more philosophical than romantic. This impression could be due to the lack of a personal angle; you could have written it to anyone.

Perhaps a different style would be better suited for the purpose of a romantic poem? The three-line stanza are good especially towards the end, but the four-liners don't add anything positive to the poem, particularly the question you keep repeating, which makes it sound like you are writing a suicide note.

for one what?
anyway, you said
and i presumed you meant "poem" but i did not consider the "esq" part because it did not make sense to me then, but now i think you meant "esque" as in poem-esque (as in "similar to a poem"), but considering that is also not a real word, i can not be sure.

anyway, i will show you what my primitive mind made of your words (people like me are clearly not your target audience i suspect).



"could" does not mean "can". "could" implies "have the ability to do something, but not the opportunity". would finding a name for what you feel make you feel it with more precision?

you can not "say" anything unless it is audible. you can think it, but to say it means you make a sound, and so it is not necessary to add the description "aloud" to the word "say".



if you say you could/can "name" what you feel, then why would you try to find words to describe it since you must already have adequate words in order to be able to describe it. maybe "naming" is a simpler dimension than "describing". as for the "what will this do?", i can not find a mental reference from where i can correctly perceive it so i will allow that it "went over my head".

hmmmm i am beginning to understand maybe. what you may be trying to say is that the act of confining an emotional sensation to a description is to render it as a a finite set of characteristics, and therefore inhibit cognizance from investigating further.

"untold"? like non verbal? limitation is not creation. limitation is the restriction imposed by inability to extend in an endlessly evolved way.

at about this point i gave up. what is the idea associated with "pouring". the phrase "days and nights" is not able to be processed by me simultaneously with the totally separate act of "pouring". i "pour" milk into my glass. how can i "pour" day or night into any container? too hard. i stopped reading and returned to my original idea that it was not a poem because there was no rhyme.

yes maybe poems do not have to rhyme. maybe poems can be formulated in many ways that i can not identify with. your "poem" may appeal to those closer to the surface of reality than i am. i live at the bottom of a "mind ocean", and the light of your day does not penetrate far enough to touch the floor of my being.

i am simple. i am a philistine according to some people i have known in the past. do not worry about my appraisal of your words. you can not affect me with your opinion about what i think in a deep way, and so i trust that that sentiment is the same in you, and since ne'er the twain do meet, nary a collision will ensue.

keep saying what you want without inhibition. those like me who do not understand are possibly in the minority of people you will encounter.

bye.

I liked it.

I think the one it's intended for will too.

From a romantic point of view, it has a strong focus on the aspects on the unkown of the human mind and the amalgamation of science, poetry and philosophy. For my personal taste in romanticism, it lacks romantic irony (the only form of irony that I can understand), but that is just personal taste. Other than that, it is some good writing. Somewhat generic, though.