need some feedback

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Hello everyone,
this question is kinda aimed at the guys and girls, i'd like both of your opinions.
I was talking a neurologically typical woman online and on the phone, I myself am dignosed asperger's syndrome, and mostly am affected with social skills, so anyways, where chatting online really hitting it off, and she gives me her number, and i get the ok to call, and i do. well were chatting and i allowed myself to relax and i asked her a question which spooked her and made her feel very uncomfortable.
before i go into the question, i should shed some background, several of my previous relationships, the woman have been either abused sexually or raped or some combo there of. so i guess i asked her if any of that applied to her, again not thinking.
and it weirded her out bad.
I apoligized alot tried my best to explain in detail my asperger's and how it affects me socially, and that it was a reason not an excuse, etc. i dunno how bad i dug my hole, she seemed to have relaxed but i'm about as good at reading people as i am reading a newspaper from mexico.
and this was all because allowed myself to relax and not micromanage myself?
is there anything i can do to save my butt?
thanks.

I'm curious, when you asked that question, what emotional response did you think it would envoke in her?

If you find yourself thinking "I didn't think of what emotional response it would invoke in her." Then this is an error in your implementation of socialization theory that you need to correct.

Perhaps your perspective on asking a person questions is to obtain information to satisfy a curiosity of yours, but you are dealing with sentient beings, in whom questions provoke emotional responses, and you need to keep that in mind.

As a woman on the Spectrum it would freak me out a bit too, I would instantly wonder why a man would want this information.

It's information that is only relevent when it comes to intimacy and other physical aspects of a relationship because rape victims can need to have more control in these situations due to the trauma of being forced. I know some guys here don't understand about the pain of being violated and I don't think there is an easy way to explain it to those who haven't experienced it.

Unfortunately, that's about one of the worst things you could ask a woman you've only just met. Hopefully she will understand from your apology and explanation. However, not all women do. But you will learn not to make the same mistake next time.

The underlying problem is that she doesn't know what experiences you've had with previous girlfriends. If she knew what you know then she would understand where you were coming from but she didn't. As far as she was concerned, you were just a man she had just met. For all she knew, you could be anyone.

I'm guessing that by relaxing, you just forgot to think before speaking. Most people just know these things from instinct and would not even put such thoughts into their mind. You just need more experience, which you are in the process of getting.



The best you can do is apologise and explain that you didn't mean to offend her. You probably have no future with her now but at least it doesn't have to end on a sour note. Just remember this for the next time you meet someone.

thank you both of you, i did yes have a desire to know this, because depending on the answer it would have debated on how i proceeding with her, and i say this because i sympathize with people who have been abused and raped as i have been down that road, which is a story on to itself but anyways, i feel for them, but i've had to already deal with alot of that kind, of stuff before and the emotional backlash sucks for me, because well ya they sometimes take it out, et al.

well.... considering the fairly high percentage of women who are raped in their lifetime - somewhere around 15 to 20% in america... sounds like you are asking a question that could potentially exclude a significant portion of your dating pool.

it's understandable that the emotional backlash would have sucked for you, but you are not exactly coming across as very endearing to want to avoid dating women who have been raped or abused. it was definitely a mistake for you to ask that question, but not for the reasons you think.

i think that, if it is so important for you to know an answer to this question before you are even dating a woman, then by all means keep asking it. the woman has a right to know that you would judge her according to criteria like that.

Sorry but i guess I'll have to say it

it's done

you burned the bridge, took the ashes soaked them in gasoline and lit them blaze again, then washed them all down the sewer.

that is just something you really can't not should ask about over the phone or at all for that matter. That is for a woman to tell you when they are ready. I understand where you are coming from, I truly do I have been in the same situation (with a different question) but that type of information is something the person need to share with you. By pulling it to the forefront, over the phone, so early into the relationship is just going to cause problems

This whole thing makes not much sense. The little bit I get is creepy.

Ok I guess I came off a little harsher than I meant too, I ask because I suppose as i've said got some background on that due to life, and what not, Its not that I wouldn't avoid dating her, i'l just say I guess from an aspie perspective it makes it about oh 1,00 times more complicated, at I think so, and I say this because body language at least for me is a challenge to begain with, and you go down this particular path, makes it even harder to read, again i need to stress, its not that i wouldn't date a woman who has been through this horrible experence, i guess its just frustrating at times.

eh, I guess I committed the crime, and did the time, learned my lessons, and moved on to live a better life as a better person.
Yes I did in fact fall flat on my face and royally burned myself, but it was also a very good learning experience, and all your feedback has helped too.