Cant get over him

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So I just wanted to sorta rant.

See I have a friend who we have a very complicated relationship. We first met thru a class where we worked on hw together. He was always a confusing person that would exhibit confusing behavior. At first I thought he didnt like me. As our friendship grew, we got closer yet things kept getting more and more complicated. Its weird, he sees things in me that no one else can. He was the first friend to truly see the asperger traits without me telling him my life story. He knew there was something distinctively different about me whereas most people just think I'm being rude or weird. He's the only person who was able to sit there and truly challenge my logic which I like, take it and logically convince me otherwise. He knows what im thinking and how Im feeling. And Im a very hard person to read.

What makes our relationship complicated. To start, were both very complex people and were both different then the norm. He is NT but he exhibits aspie like traits except hes very sharp socially. He's confusing and a tough person to crack. He's very private and hides his emotions very well. I think he likes me except he hides it and he doesnt want me or he's very confused about me. And I like him back a lot, he has a lot of qualities I look for in a guy. I came to this conclusion from a lot of things, I dont want to go into detail. Because of the way he acts, it makes me scard to tell him how I feel.

He's a very straightforward person who I got the idea at first that he thought I liked him and he was uncomfortable with that. But then I tried to subtly bring up the subject 5x and he's give me brief answers that would only bring up part answer. He would avoid the subject. Finally I once all out brought up the subject, and he asked me what I meant, I was hesitant to clarify. He's sent me 3 romantic breakup songs. I get the idea, he was subtly hinting to me thinking I wouldnt catch on. But I did, I find it easy to play dumb.

Right now, I just graduated and Im far away from him now. Part of me is telling myself to forget about him, its not important but I keep obsessing over whether we would make a good couple. I just hate to leave things so tangled in complication. I just need to find a way to put things into perspective.

How high do you think is the chance to meet someone who looks behind your behaviour, who understands you and sees the lovable human being behind your Asperger mask? Why forget about someone who touched you that way? I think you would only end up hurting yourself.
Have you thought about the possibility that he thinks you are hard to crack as well? If it comes to feelings everyone is scared. Think about that as well; it doesn't matter if it's only about a friendship or a relationship. Maybe that's why you are so confused about him and the way he acted.
With short words: go for it. I hate complicated things as well but found out if you really like someone everything is complicated, especially communication. If you don't know how to do it and you are brave send him a link to this page. Sometimes we have to put all eggs in one basket to get what we wish. Who knows, maybe you both are more similar than you think - I'm very social as well.
Whatever you do now, think about that: If you don't try you will never know and the question what if... can haunt you your whole life.
Good luck

That's whats hurting me. I was thinking that I might have actually found someone who would be good for me. Im just so scard because he doesnt want to date me, that much I know. He outwardly tries to keep me from coming in too close . Earlier before we became good friends, he cut me off temporarily until he found out I liked someone else. He stopped talking to me for 2-3 weeks. Then later when I asked him why, he said he didnt intend to, and he was sorry I read him that way. It was very evident that of what he was doing, he didn't give me any reasons, and at the time. Im scard, he'll do something similar due to his discomfort.



I know there's something going on with him. I get the idea that he's heart broken over me. There's things he couldnt admit to me.

Many people especially men cut you off if you come too close. Sometimes I think they are scared to lose control, they feal vulnearable and weak if it comes to emotions. A relationship, especially a friendship is the place where you just should be yourself, where you let your guard down, where you can be honest and feel safe. But that needs trust and time.
Sometimes people run away and build up walls to see who cares enough to break them down. Sometimes people push you away before they get pushed. They fear getting hurt and I think many of them are abandoned by someone significant in their past. Some think they don't deserve love due to the way they were raised or other circumstances; some never received love and can't handle that - many think they are just not good enough. People think if they put off their mask they get rejected, they think there's nothing lovable to find but that's not true. They just take over the opinion of others at some point. It's a negative belief system and they are caught in it. If you hear your whole life you're not worth anything or you are wrong and you have to change and such things you just can't believe someone is interested in you and you think it's suspicious.

You see there are many reasons for this behaviour and it's just worse if we can only assume. He sent you songs; sometimes men just can't talk so they try to express things with lyrics. Music can speak where words fail.
Once I told someone: Let free what you love and if it comes back it's yours - if not it never was. Many people act that way I think, they hope love comes back. Usually it does, it never goes away - but what if everyone is scared to step up again to each other at some point. What if people just keep their love inside and don't dare to show it?
So I wouldn't give up that easily and if you have the impression he could be broken hearted give him a sign of affection. Somehow this guy looked behind your mask; now he deserves that you try to look behind his actions.
I would say make sure he knows that you care and try to approach from time to time. Being too pressed could scare much more and can easily overwhelm people; I speak from experience.
I hope you will get answers on your question

I did get the impression that was happening. I get the idea, its like he wants me to stay a certain place, not go yet not come in too close. I got the impression he was a internally very romantic with a hard shell. He likes to listen to love songs a lot.



Yeah, he would send me these Korean ballads with the English lyrics and all. I dont know Korean.



What concerns me is, he'll cut off the friendship if I confess or give me a cockass response. But then Im pretty sure he knows that I like him.



So are u proposing to maintain the contact with him but not too much? I just dont know how to approach this? I have shown him small signs of affection in my words. I suppose I can send him a caring message

It may be that he just feels unsure about you, if you are interested on an honest and serious connection with him. Sometimes people keep you at distance because they sense you are dangerous for them. I mean emotionally, in the sense there's someone who I probably would like to let close but I'm scared. So they test you then whether you stay and keep in a loyal way to them and don't give up or if you are like anyone else who lets them down.
Men tend to get rude sometimes to the people they like and love. It's very hard to crack an introvert man just because you hardly get a sign of affection in the first place. I think they are easily scared and if he is really that private with his emotions you need patience and understanding.
They are often very sensitive, especially to the people they like or love - so communication seems very hard and due to his uncertainty things can turn out very rude even if it's not meant that way.
It's just I know you can scare them easily, just don't be too pressed or clingy. We women would like to know where we stand with a man but they won't commit it. Maybe he wishes a friendship for now, sometimes people just need more time.
See if you won't approach he probably thinks you are not interested, if you demand too much he will run away. It's quite hard to keep the balance especially if they don't talk much. Write a caring message if you can but be clear with your words; don't talk too much about love - too much love scares men as well. The worst is if it ends up in silence and avoiding each other when actually there's the wish to approach.
I hope I can help you a bit. I just don't want people to give up that easily. People move on too easily and give up too fast. Never forget: Some people are worth fighting for and some people carry their good things inside of them. Sometimes people wish to run away but what they really wish is to be found.
I don't even know if I'm the right person to give you advice, I lost a friend to a similar story. I have decided for myself to listen to my inner voice and my values and I won't let them down.
You have to know what you really want and if you know it fight for it and try. We think and think but sometimes we just have to let actions speak. I wish you luck

Yeah thats the sense I was getting. He doesnt give me signs of affection. I dont ask for them. I would go to him to talk about my issues and he would listen. He was attentive in trying to solve all my problems. And thats what I wanted, I get sick of all the fake sympathy you get from other people. There were times I feel we connected on a deeper level but he would try to block off the connection. I think what Ive already done so far has been a lot with trying to respect his space.



Yeah I've gotten the idea, he is sensitive internally. About the commitment part. This does this apply even to just strictly a friendship? It was confusing to me that the 1 time, I just finally sent him an email where I said, I know were just friends and thats it, he didnt say anything about that statement. Knowing him, being blunt as hell. If he saw me as nothing more then a friend, he would have shoved it in my face. Dont most guys if they see as nothing more then a friend, they will say it bluntly if the message is not getting to you?



So I should just send him a caring message looking out for his well being I presume? I know he's in the middle of summer research and he's been working very hard and probably overworking himself. Thanks for the advice. I think your giving me a possibility that I never thought of.

Yeah right, just make sure you care and give things time and space.
In general I think the less they say (introvert men) the more it means. There are often little signs which give you the feeling there could be the basis for a friendship. We meet a lot of people in our life and only a few of them really affect us deeper. Most people just move from one to the next person and that is just sad. I think it's fate if you meet someone who triggers you that way, therefore I say don't give up but be careful with your actions and your words.
I hope you will have success women tend to mess up such things sometimes. We are more open with what we feel and it's easier to express it but that can be too irritating for some people and the choice of our words is very important.
Besh wishes, Karin

I know what you mean with fake sympathy. It's this 'you will be fine' thing and other empty words without any meaning. I think when he listens means probably more than those superficial love-sayings from other men... so don't expect too much words, the way he acts with you shows that he cares, at least that's my impression. When people are really interested on you they try to support you with the very depth of their heart and the way they are able to do.


No it doesn't strictly apply to a friendship. But maybe things are too fast for him. I think if he didn't respond anything on your saying could probably mean he was disappointed and took things literally. I mean in the sense it was more like a hint from you but he took it the way he read it and in the worst as a rejection for more intimate things. Words can be easily misunderstood. Maybe he is more like you than you think.

I meant fake sympathy in general, girl or guy which most NTs resort to. Yeah he believes strongly in actions more then words which I like. He's done so much for me that's what initially got me suspicious but then I wrote it off because he would keep pushing me away but then he's use his roommate to draw me indirectly draw me in. At one point, his roommate got a new gf, I hated the gf and he told me that he'd try to convince his roommate to not bring her over the room so I would still come over. I was pretty surprised, I told him I thought that was unreasonable.



Im not sure if thats the case. After we had that conversation, he sent me a song in korean with the english lyrics that basically said, "girl please dont lie, I know you want me". I was thinking WTH?

Yeah I got this fake empathy of NT's thing and it's annoying I think.
Okay, I would say concerning this lyrics thing it seems he understood you. So you should go for it, with moderate actions and words
Hope you will have success, it would be quite sad if not.