Advice on Dating someone with AS needed

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Hi Everyone,

This is my inaugural post. I've recently started to date someone with mild AS. My attraction to this person is not in question, nor is my willingness to make every effort to successfully navigate the issues that are sure to crop up (and are already--for me). He is extremely smart, hilariously funny and he really does it for me in a million ways. On paper, he is basically my wish-list in the flesh.

We've only had a few dates, but I do feel that we've established a rapport, mutual respect, a shared sense of humor and the physical stuff seems to be going well, too. We've spent some fairly big chunks of time together.

Since our last date I've heard almost nothing from him other than some rather brief emails. This is not what I was expecting based on the first couple of weeks, but I have since come to the conclusion after reading up that this is par for the course with a man who has AS.

I'm trying to figure out how to read him and whatever signs he may be giving me, but it's been hard. For me, no contact for two or three days feels like a long time. I go through the roller coaster of being calm, adult and patient and then I feel a sense of doom and rejection five minutes later.

I'm not sure when is too soon to have a discussion about some kind of compromise on the communication front. I'm willing to accept that this may be something that happens with some regularity, but I'd like to establish that it isn't anything that I have done and that it does not indicate him losing interest. I'm afraid to rush this topic since this is the beginning and perhaps too delicate a time to get heavy.

What I'd like to know, in a nutshell, is how best to gauge this man's feelings. Do I have to ask point blank? Should I? Will that be too much, too soon? I don't want to scare him off, I want to let him know that I'm in this thing if he is, but that I have a few needs of my own, namely some kind of contact, even if it is just to text me a goodnight or something small like that.

Also: he found out about the AS fairly recently and may still be processing the information.

Thanks for any input you may have, especially male Aspies who may have some words of wisdom.

He's probably a bit on the shy side. Just tell him you'd like to hear from him on a daily basis. No doubt he'll be thrilled. Just don't come on too strong or you're liable to scare him...

Yes, well that's my fear: coming off as pushy. There can be no mistake that I have feelings for him, that much is surely obvious at this point. I'm not sure I want to push him too much. So thank you, I will let him know what I need when I'm a little less worried about scaring him off.

I assumed that some of my more suggestive emails and my general directness in expressing wanting to see him (not to be confused with me being needy, which I'm not) was enough to convey my interest. But I haven't said outright that I want this to turn into a relationship. I'm concerned that some of his withdrawal could be just regular guy stuff--pulling away when things seem to be progressing, so I don't want to come on too strong. I'm just trying to figure out how much of this is typical guy stuff and how much is related to the AS. But I'm definitely hearing that a direct approach is my best bet here.

i am neither as or male, but i have been living with someone who is both for over 11 years. it takes a much more direct approach with an autistic man than what you are generally used to. do not assume he can read any signs you give out, in fact assume that he cant and spell everything out for him. it doesnt have to be heavy or intense, just direct and to the point. a casual "i really like you and want to keep seeing you" isnt too pushy but gets your message across clearly.

for an example, my SO and i are playing on our computers and i say to him, "do you want to watch tv?" obviously, if he wanted to watch tv he would be watching tv and not playing on his computer, so his answer is no. but what i really meant was, "i want to spend some time with you". thats what i need to say to him, and his answer then is yes.

keep in mind that one hallmark of autism is an impairment in the expression of emotion. not lack of emotion, but difficulty with the expression. so if he seems to be putting out mixed signals, or backing off one second and coming on the next, just ask whats going on and give him plenty of time to figure out his answer.

I am a forty-seven year-old man, have been in relationships, but not for a while.

If I have an intense conversation with someone, even a conversation that goes very well, sometimes I need that whole next morning and early afternoon to process it (I love to take long walks!). And if that morning is bogged down with other social, work or even something as simple as calling Verizon to find out something, it is like that need for alone time and processing is still there but has been deferred.

And I have a rich inner life. And future relationship, she has to let me remain me.

Yes, I can let someone in, but it is a process, sometimes slow, sometimes fast. And she needs to understand that it's a mix of joint and individual projects. Some things I prefer to do by myself.

When I first met my AS husband, he would drive me crazy this way. He'd seem really interested and then disappear for days or even a week at a time. I was putting out all of these signals that I was really into him, and he'd never make a move. We "dated" for months with me doing things like slightly leaning in towards him at the end of a night out together, and he'd do nothing, just say "goodnight".

I didn't know about AS at the time and assumed his feelings for me were luke warm at best until one night he said, very matter of fact, "tonight it felt like we were a couple, what do you think about that?".

I was like FINALLY!

After I found out about AS I just made sure to be direct with him about my needs. Rather than say "would you like to come to bed soon" (he'd be online and say "no") I'd say "I had a hard day today, would you come to bed and hold me for awhile"...to which he'd say "SURE!".

It is so nice to just be able to ask for what I need. You could even tell him that you are interested in him romantically and does he feel the same way. If he says "yes" (which it sounds like he would) you could then say "when I don't hear from you for several days I start to worry that you've lost interest, could you try to send me some form of communication on a daily basis so I know you're still interested in seeing me?".

Just want to say thanks to all of you! This is encouraging information for me to have and I will act accordingly. I welcome any further comments or advice from all.

@ Willard,

I'm a huge Bill Hicks fan, so nice quote there.

Yep, I do have a phone and no, I haven't called him this week. Since this is a new experience for me and I haven't actually dated anyone, Aspie or not, for a long time, I was attempting to give space and alone time as needed and wait for him to make the next move. I haven't exactly been incommunicado though. I have sent four emails to his two and his responses have been quite brief. I'm on a learning curve here, so cut me a little slack

I am curious how things turned out for you as I have the same issue with my on/off Aspie friend

thanks