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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Jun 2011, 4:54 pm

What I find saddening about my love life (more accurately, the total lack of it), is not being virgin or the lack of sex, but rather the lack of adult experiences that I was supposed of having them during my 20s, and no, I am not just referring to sex, but also to intimacy, the feelings, relationship-related's good memories and even the bad memories.

Some claim that being single with the lack of such experiences/memories is much better and less painful than ending up single after an unsuccessful relationship /or series of relationships that all ended up in failure. I totally disagree with this, that's not true at all, not on the long run at least.

This may be true if you are comparing someone who just got a break up some month ago to someone who never experienced love in his life, but on the long run it is the latter who will remain less satisfied in life and still wondering "what it is even like....?". The former is also more likely to experience them again while the latter is more likely to never experience anything of this, an idea that sometimes would horrify him/her, the latter is more likely to have a feeling of always being kinda deprived in life.

Just a simple analogy, Imagine a person A got plenty of toys/games in his life as kid, played with a lot of them yet for some reason he no longer played with toys later in his life (either he got tired of them or just couldn't get them anymore) and the person B has never ever got the opportunity to play with a toy as a kid, yet always saw toys at stores and witnessed other kids owning toys during all his childhood. I guess it's obvious which one would feel more deprived for good, Person A had at least good memories and knew how it's like playing with toys.

That's also why orphans who never knew their parents are much more likely to have psychological issues than orphans who remember their parents and lived with them before they die, the latter type would feel great sadness for years, but the former type would feel emptiness ,lacking...for a lifetime.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 29 Jun 2011, 2:46 am, edited 3 times in total.

MXH
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28 Jun 2011, 5:04 pm

I think the saying is its better to have loved and lost than not loved at all.



SammichEater
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28 Jun 2011, 5:16 pm

A quote from someone's signature here on the forums comes to mind after reading this.

"Having is not so pleasing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." (Spock to T'Pring in Amok Time)


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purchase
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28 Jun 2011, 7:41 pm

SammichEater wrote:
A quote from someone's signature here on the forums comes to mind after reading this.

"Having is not so pleasing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." (Spock to T'Pring in Amok Time)


I've gotta say that sometimes it's not true though. Sometimes wanting is torture and having is heaven.



Graelwyn
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28 Jun 2011, 7:53 pm

purchase wrote:
SammichEater wrote:
A quote from someone's signature here on the forums comes to mind after reading this.

"Having is not so pleasing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." (Spock to T'Pring in Amok Time)


I've gotta say that sometimes it's not true though. Sometimes wanting is torture and having is heaven.


That I would agree with, from personal experience.


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hale_bopp
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28 Jun 2011, 9:03 pm

There's plenty of time for it though.. I mean there is no time limit for it. :)



The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Jun 2011, 3:17 am

^ So they say.



keira
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29 Jun 2011, 5:28 am

hale_bopp wrote:
There's plenty of time for it though.. I mean there is no time limit for it. :)


However, the more time passes by the more you get hurt. The more you get hurt the thicker walls you build around yourself. The thicker the walls are... Well it's obvious.
I don't mean to bring The_Face_of_Boo or anyone else down. It's just the way I feel about myself.



izzeme
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29 Jun 2011, 5:59 am

same effect here, although i'm "only" 24, my experience is almost a carbon copy of that of OP.
i also feel it's starting to hurt my chances of changing that, as i'm expected to have experience. i have had a few situations in which the person i was speaking to (just casually with a random person) shyd away from me after i sorta let slip i was unexperienced.
also, my housemates sort of assumed i was gay for the reason above (though this was before i disclosed my AS).
all in all, i indeed feel like i'm entering a vicious loop where my lack of experience stops me from getting experienced which in turn...

depressing to think about really, especially since the ones that i do manage to speak to about this are usually shocked that "someone as nice as you" didn't have experience, but in the next sentence say they aren't about to help me either :S



chrissyrun
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29 Jun 2011, 7:55 am

That's why I am so anxious to get to college. Everyone says that it is where things will happen! I have gone on one date during high school and I rarely if ever hang out with people so I am at a disadvantage. BUT, everyone says college is going to be sooooo much better and people are more open there or whatever. Thoughts?

Oh, and though I am not in your state, I can feel it, especially during my last year of high school because it seemed like everyone was going on fun dates or had a boyfriend....heck, I only know 2 other girls who didn't go to Prom. =/ So I sorta know on a smaller level, what you are going through.



Magnus_Rex
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29 Jun 2011, 8:10 am

izzeme wrote:
same effect here, although i'm "only" 24, my experience is almost a carbon copy of that of OP.
i also feel it's starting to hurt my chances of changing that, as i'm expected to have experience. i have had a few situations in which the person i was speaking to (just casually with a random person) shyd away from me after i sorta let slip i was unexperienced.
also, my housemates sort of assumed i was gay for the reason above (though this was before i disclosed my AS).
all in all, i indeed feel like i'm entering a vicious loop where my lack of experience stops me from getting experienced which in turn...

depressing to think about really, especially since the ones that i do manage to speak to about this are usually shocked that "someone as nice as you" didn't have experience, but in the next sentence say they aren't about to help me either :S


+1

That's why I told my classmates that I'm a non practicing heterosexual. It's a good joke. Everyone laughs. And it avoids misunderstandings.



Laz
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29 Jun 2011, 8:15 am

keira wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
There's plenty of time for it though.. I mean there is no time limit for it. :)


However, the more time passes by the more you get hurt. The more you get hurt the thicker walls you build around yourself. The thicker the walls are... Well it's obvious.
I don't mean to bring The_Face_of_Boo or anyone else down. It's just the way I feel about myself.


It is a logical reaction in some respect. But in the long run it can be quite unhealthy and detremental to your growth. But breaking down those walls doesn't have to be at risk of being hurt again or exposing yourself.


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mv
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29 Jun 2011, 8:24 am

Laz wrote:
keira wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
There's plenty of time for it though.. I mean there is no time limit for it. :)


However, the more time passes by the more you get hurt. The more you get hurt the thicker walls you build around yourself. The thicker the walls are... Well it's obvious.
I don't mean to bring The_Face_of_Boo or anyone else down. It's just the way I feel about myself.


It is a logical reaction in some respect. But in the long run it can be quite unhealthy and detremental to your growth. But breaking down those walls doesn't have to be at risk of being hurt again or exposing yourself.


Can you expand upon this, Laz? How does this work?



justjelliot
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29 Jun 2011, 10:39 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What I find saddening about my love life (more accurately, the total lack of it), is not being virgin or the lack of sex, but rather the lack of adult experiences that I was supposed of having them during my 20s, and no, I am not just referring to sex, but also to intimacy, the feelings, relationship-related's good memories and even the bad memories.

Some claim that being single with the lack of such experiences/memories is much better and less painful than ending up single after an unsuccessful relationship /or series of relationships that all ended up in failure. I totally disagree with this, that's not true at all, not on the long run at least.

This may be true if you are comparing someone who just got a break up some month ago to someone who never experienced love in his life, but on the long run it is the latter who will remain less satisfied in life and still wondering "what it is even like....?". The former is also more likely to experience them again while the latter is more likely to never experience anything of this, an idea that sometimes would horrify him/her, the latter is more likely to have a feeling of always being kinda deprived in life.

Just a simple analogy, Imagine a person A got plenty of toys/games in his life as kid, played with a lot of them yet for some reason he no longer played with toys later in his life (either he got tired of them or just couldn't get them anymore) and the person B has never ever got the opportunity to play with a toy as a kid, yet always saw toys at stores and witnessed other kids owning toys during all his childhood. I guess it's obvious which one would feel more deprived for good, Person A had at least good memories and knew how it's like playing with toys.

That's also why orphans who never knew their parents are much more likely to have psychological issues than orphans who remember their parents and lived with them before they die, the latter type would feel great sadness for years, but the former type would feel emptiness ,lacking...for a lifetime.


Here's something I learned the hard way about missed chances and missed rites of passage: do NOT try to make up for lost time. Do NOT try to get all those moments the first time you have a girl. It will only creep them out and scare them off. Take it slow. Pretend like you've been there, done that before. That's the best way you can keep a girl and not come across as odd. I would know, I've missed this, and tried to make up for that later.


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JohnOldman
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29 Jun 2011, 11:12 am

chrissyrun wrote:
That's why I am so anxious to get to college. Everyone says that it is where things will happen! I have gone on one date during high school and I rarely if ever hang out with people so I am at a disadvantage. BUT, everyone says college is going to be sooooo much better and people are more open there or whatever. Thoughts?


College is definitely a more fertile environment for unconventional people. In college I've encountered a lot more 'normal' people who were accepting of my strangeness, even interested by it. But you should be careful not to expect the environment to make all the difference. Perhaps we need to be as open as we hope others will be?



justjelliot
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29 Jun 2011, 11:38 am

JohnOldman wrote:
chrissyrun wrote:
That's why I am so anxious to get to college. Everyone says that it is where things will happen! I have gone on one date during high school and I rarely if ever hang out with people so I am at a disadvantage. BUT, everyone says college is going to be sooooo much better and people are more open there or whatever. Thoughts?


College is definitely a more fertile environment for unconventional people. In college I've encountered a lot more 'normal' people who were accepting of my strangeness, even interested by it. But you should be careful not to expect the environment to make all the difference. Perhaps we need to be as open as we hope others will be?


I saw Bad Teacher last week, and Cameron Diaz talks to a 'nerdy, sensitive' guy, warning him eighth grade and high school will be hell. She follows that up by saying he will be a hit in college, so be ready. It's true.


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