Help.Newly diagnosed AS putting lots of pressure on marriage

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Hi
I've only recently been diagnosed with AS, and it's quite a stress. My wife has suspected for a while, but now I accept it, things have got worse not better. What I am trying to figure out is what I should do. Like all Aspies, I need rules and lists to cope with the turmoil of the emotional world. I've trawled through lots of books and made myself a list, but they are not working. So - HELP!

Why and in what way have things got worse?

Well, when I make a mistake like misunderstanding what time she wanted me home for dinner when I've been out at a meeting pursuing my special interests, I get the third degree. That's more important than me, if you don't prioritise me first, there's no point etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand she wants me to put her first, and she needs her emotional needs met, but I'm going to stuff up from time to time.

Maybe you've stopped making an effort as much as you used to because you feel a diagnosis means you have a right to act and feel the way you are inclined to.

Instead, you should use the diagnosis to pinpoint areas in which you need to improve yourself.

Just because a person gets a diagnosis of dyslexia, for example, doesn't mean it's ok for them not to learn how to read. It means they will struggle with it more than the average person and must try harder and make more of an effort than the average person to learn to read fluently.

I hate it when there's all this pressure put on us to try and change ourselves. You say the diagnosis should be used to pinpoint areas in which self-improvement is needed. I don't agree. I think the diagnosis should be used in order to explain previously baffling things, to understand and accept ourselves, and educate others about the ways in which we are different.

There will always be things about each individual personality that require self-improvement, whether AS or NT. But AS is not a personality defect. It's a neurological disorder. We will never be able to turn ourselves into people with neurotypical brains, however much people try to "improve" us or make us think and act like NTs. We don't need curing; we are fine just as we are.

I think that, rather than putting all the pressure on the OP to be the one to "improve," it should also be pointed out that his wife should cut him some slack and make some allowances for him. His wife needs to educate herself on AS and just how important her husband's special interest is to him.

Sounds like you both need to go to counselling with a psych\therapist that understands ASD issues.

There are compromises to be made, and some things that both sides need to understand e.g. things that cannot happen due to causing upset (lots of notice for going out) , things that are mandatory (making sure there is intimacy in the relationship) etc.

How is that different than before? Would you have been late based on your meetings, or would she have been more understanding?

It's possible that due to the AS label, the wife is trying to pressure change more. As opposed to the husband trying less.

Me, I would just tell my SO that I care about her a ton but I'm just a guy and I loose track of time sometimes. It doesn't mean she's not important to me. Then work out some together time. If she yelled at me at that point I'd probably shut down and distance myself from the relationship... wait, that's not good advise. Nevermind.

But ya, in relationships it's better to leave the Aspergers in the background, imo. People don't know how to approch it, even if they know that it's there.

It is not a matter of changing one's self. I'm still the same person I was. I've simply learned to navigate the world a little better. In social interactions, there needs to be diplomacy from both sides otherwise the relationship will eventually fail and the original poster does not want his relationship to fail.

Back to the dyslexic analogy, my roommate is dyslexic and hates reading books, or magazines because it's a struggle for him. He does, however, like to play video games, and he tends to play rather complex video games that require gaming manuals. Since he wants to play the game and be able to complete all the missions, he will make an effort to read the gaming manual. He does not sit there and pout that he can't complete the mission because it would entail reading the manual and reading is too hard for him. He does not become mad at the world because there is not an audio form of the manual. He wants to play the game and he makes an effort to do so.

An example of someone trying to change him, on the other hand, would be me insisting he learn how to enjoy reading novels. Me insisting he should enjoy reading novels. Me giving him a novel a month to read under the false assumption that reading will eventually become as easy for him as it is for me and he will then understand the joy of reading novels and get the same thing out of it as I do.

Concerning relationships, they are bilaterial deals. They involve two or more parties that both have feelings and needs and limits. People should not have to tolerate behavior from you that they find abrasive or hurtful just like you should not have to tolerate people insisting you wear clothing you find irritating or sounds you find painful. Relationships are built on mutual respect. Not unconditional acceptance.

If he is not willing or able to meet his wife halfway in the relationship, and at least one of them is unhappy because of it, the marriage will ultimately fail. She should not be forced to tolerate behavior she can't handle more than he should be forced to behave in a way he can't handle.



Read above.



You will see from my other posts that when a spouse, parent, or family member comes in here voicing difficulty with those with AS, I stress very strongly the needs of the person with AS, and the need for the spouse, parent, or family member to improve themselves as well.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Here's my summary so far (checking in to see I have got most of it)

- I can't use AS as an excuse for bad behavior
- I shouldn't try to change who I am but I must try to moderate my behavior
- I have a responsibility to improve my interactions, but I cannot do it alone. We both have to accommodate each other

Here's what I'm still not clear on:

- if she doesn't like my special interest but it's important to me, and makes her feel second best, what are the alternatives
- Does taking responsibility for myself have to include behavioral therapy?

Thanks again

I was diagnosed about a year ago and I don't think it's made things worse, but I get *so* tired of hearing that the AS person has to be the one to change and make all the effort. What happened to balance? What happened to the AS person making some effort to give the NT person what s/he wants and the NT person making an *equal* effort to accept the other person's AS traits? That sounds fair and respectful to me, yet in my relationship more often than not it's me that gets expected to change or *I* get called "selfish" or "inconsiderate" if I resist.

Argh...

~Kate

Do you feel that you are doing all you can? Or is your sig other making a fair point? That's what I'm really trying to get my head around.

I've tried really hard for years, but we have a disconnect on how much change I am supposed to give.

I try not to put a limit on what I can do...but I feel I'm trying (and have tried) pretty damn hard and it's never good enough (because I'll never be totally "rid" of my AS traits). I get frustrated because there seems to be a presupposition that I'm supposed to "make up for" having AS with a lot of effort but there's no such expectation that he should put effort into accepting my AS traits, because I'm the one with the "problem". It's kind of a sore point with me.

~Kate

Solly, it's complete and utter BS that people think it's all up to you to do everything when your wife could be bothered to give you your time and space. I think it's hypocritical that on one hand people try to turn it around on people like us claiming we're some type of burden for our difference when specifying that our own needs are not met and we're the ones called selfish.

Let her know that you have your own wants and needs. While you can give her the emotional needs that she has, if she can't meet you half way and let you have your space to digest everything then you guys need a good marriage counselor that understands aspergers. Otherwise, the counselor is only going to relate to your wife's emotional wishes leaving you feeling suffocated.

What are your special interests that your wife has a problem with?

Most people have interests or hobbies but they come second to their spouse.
Taking responsibility for yourself does not necessarily include any kind of therapy. It depends on whether or not you need therapy to make the improvements or if you can make them on your own.