Intentional Relationship Abstinence

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In this post I wish to discuss my future plans regarding relationships in order to seek commentary and advice. Before I do that, though, I think it will be helpful to give a quick sketch of my previous relationship.

Downfall:

Nearly 2 weeks ago my girlfriend (of nearly 3 years) and I broke up. Well, in fact we have been drifting apart for the past year. Ok, more precisely, for the past year (at least) I had been becoming more distant. Not figuratively, but literally; I was spending a lot of time ~160 miles away on my ranch.

At first I was just coming down to take care of my donkeys (a new one was soon to be born) for a few days at a time. We had just moved in together. It wasn't long before I was not just spending a couple days down here, but a few weeks. At first it was totally understandable as my new donkey needed a lot of care and attention. But after a while I started just getting 'stuck' down here. I'd leave our shared apartment with the honest intention of coming back in a couple days, but would keep putting the return off 1 day at a time. I found the peace and quiet of rural living to be much more preferable to the hustle and bustle of downtown living in a big city.

I knew that this was becoming a problem, yet I just could never get myself to stay up in our shared place.

There were no problems between us; we had always gotten along great. We never argued (I've never even been in a 'fight' or argument with a significant other, despite multiple partners over more than a decade) and had a lot of fun together when I was around.

She did finally tell me 4 months ago or so that she was not interested in a long distance relationship and that that is what our relationship was becoming. I apologized, and realizing that this was really the end of the line for this behavior, told her I would spend more time with her in the city.

I never did. I kept disappearing into the country. I just loved being alone, disappearing from the planet. No noises, no cars, lots of space to walk around, animals to play with, stars to see, etc. I invited her down here often but she really didn't have a desire to stay here for any period of time.

Anyhow, after a year of living together (and during this year I had spent maybe 4 months there, total) I came back about 2 weeks ago and we talked and apologized to each other for how things turned out, and decided that we weren't in a relationship any longer.

Aftermath:

It was really sad. It broke my heart. And it was completely my fault. Keep in mind, this girl was wonderful. Truly, 3 years together and I had no complaints. She was competent, successful, polite, talented, athletic, intelligent, and was just an all-around great person.

Oddly, I remember thinking to myself early in the relationship that if we were to ever separate for whatever reason, I really ought not to pursue another relationship because it would be terribly difficult to even match this girl, let alone top her.

So here I am, single again. I'm not an emotional wreck or crying myself to sleep every night. This was really a long, drawn-out thing that I could see coming from a long, long ways away. The most difficult parts of the breakup have passed. In fact, it was a relief to finally bring the situation out in the open and call our relationship for what it was.

We are still friends, I still see her and we talk.

My feelings and plans at this point:

That was it. We had a beautiful relationship and I, somehow against my conscious will, sabotaged it. I take this to mean that perhaps I'm really happier to be alone.

I should add a small but relevant point to this. Part of my relief at separation is because I could no longer affect her life, which she was succeeding at. As of the past year or two I've been heading downhill. Call it depression, lack of motivation, or just plain apathy, I've not been on track. I've lost motivation for work, to acquire capital, lost passion in my interests, and have just generally declined. While I can disregard my own circumstances, inevitably my problems would leak over and become, in a small way, her problems too. This caused me a great deal of guilt.

So, here I am.

In the past I had never really sought out girlfriends, but would just stumble upon them. Due to some lifestyle changes I've greatly reduced the possibility of encountering potential partners and so getting into a new relationship is a lot less likely.

I'm of the mind, though, that I should just remain friends with anyone I meet and, despite any momentary feelings to the contrary, resist entering into any kind of romantic relationship with anyone; not just to save myself from grief, but others as well.

The tl;dr:

My wonderful girlfriend and I eventually ended a 3 year relationship because of my increasing desire to withdraw from the world and be alone. I tried, if you could call it that, to counter those desires but failed. I don't see the problem going away, really, and therefore am contemplating simply resigning myself to being single to save everyone grief.

I'm so sorry for your grief and sadness, and I respect that you've taken the time to really analyze the situation and your part in it.

I think some of us here (I can think of at least 2-3) have done what you're doing: we take a good long look at ourselves and realize that, for a bag of complex reasons, we're not "relationship" people (either temporarily or permanently). It's okay, it really is, we can have other interests and foci, the hard part is the hurdles of "Now what?" and "You do realize this means no sex, right?" and "This just further separates me from the outside (normal) world." I'm still trying to figure all those out, for myself. It can feel like a heavy frying pan to the face, I know.

I wish you well, I'm glad your relationship at least came to a respectful end. I think we're "special" people, in every sense of the word.

Whether or not it's "intentional" is debatable , but I find myself avoiding relationships for the exact same reasons - it's simply too selfish to inflict myself on someone.

I'd really like to find an Aspie girl - that way we could agree to tolerate each other's Aspie-ness...

Hm, perhaps the fact that she was very much an NT and I'm a textbook case of Asperger's had something to do with it.

During our first discussion over the fact that our relationship was becoming one of long-distance, I really wondered where the problem was. When we were together everything went fine, so I figured the relationship was fine.

When she asked me how I thought my actions made her feel, I realized I hadn't exactly thought of it like that. I told her that I didn't think she'd be upset over my absence and she replied that that was indicative of a problem in and of itself.

*sigh*

I guess the more that I can think of it as a relationship that failed due to incompatibility (however subtle, like I said, we got along great) rather than simply my own failures, the better I'll feel. I'd like to think I'd rather know the truth, but I could be wrong.

Find someone who likes what you like. That's relationship advise for anyone, I think. You liked different things - whether you're Aspie or not that's going to make a relationship difficult, especually with the desire to live in different locations.

People don't say it enough, so I just wanted to state that I respect your decision to be alone and I hope everything works out great for you. We don't need relationships to be happy. If they happen, then they happen - but we can be just as happy being romantically alone.

My ex would refer to our relationship as cohabiting. I thought it was ideal. He did his thing and I was determined to do mine. I just was not aware of how he needed the stereotypical fluff to validate a relationship. Everyone is different. The long absences would bother me but I would either move or end it. Then again maybe I don't know what I'm saying. I have been alone for a few years but a like minded companion would still be more welcome than not.

I have never had a relationship ever. Not even a date.

I have never been diagnosed with anything besides shyness, and that was years ago. I might be a schizo, but I may be an aspie or something else.

But I feel I am better off alone. I am not a relationship-type person. Too selfish, too hyper, too shy, too insecure. I am sure relationships would hurt me.

I have never had a relationship and I turn 29 next month. I would like one, but I hear horror stories from other people all the time. I sure know I don't want to be lonely forever.

When it comes to being lonely, or not being lonely, dating-related relationships are mostly a hassle. If you don't want to be lonely, join some kind of club, get a pet, participate in activities where there are lots of people involved. You may not be able to talk to those around you, but at least you won't be exactly lonely.