Guy doesn't want to 'risk' having a kid with me.

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Okay, so me and my guy have been dating for three years and had a conversation about our future. We're both aspies, although he's a bit more severe than me. We love each other very much.
However, when the subject of kids came up, he said he couldn't give that too me. When I asked why, he replied because our children would most likely be severely autistic and he couldn't cope with that. I think he's got images of 'the rain man' in his head. I've come to terms that any child I have will most likely be autistic in some shape or form, but he can't cope with the idea. He thinks he'd struggle enough as a father to an NT child, never mind an autistic one.
Obviously in the future I'd considered children, but I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't want them. He's the love of my life, and he says the same about me.
I guess I'm asking your opinion on aspie/aspie relationships and children. What do you think? I'm so confused.

There is no evidence that supports Aspergers+Aspergers= severe autism.

I'd be careful with this scenario. If he's not ready, then he's not ready.

Gods forbid we should accidentally bring another Albert Einstein or Dan Ackroyd into the world!

I really despise that sort of Eugenics-think. "Lets cure autism by preventing any more of them from being born!"

Its bad enough when it comes from some small minded bigot who has no idea what they're talking about, but for that to come from one of our own is unforgivable. People with AS do not always have children with AS. I have a daughter who just graduated from Math & Science Prep School and she's as NT as they come. I am exceedingly thankful for that, since her mother is bipolar and a chronic liar and she might have inherited that mental illness instead of a mere neurological disability.

Everybody has their limitations, but no one is useless and unworthy of existence.

Even Hitler might have turned out okay if he had just pursued his career as an artist, instead of getting mixed up in politics. Then he would have just been a nutty racist with a paint brush.

I think that if someone doesn't think they want or can handle children, then they should not have them, regardless of whether or not the person has an ASD. I was with a guy (an NT) for a few years and he wanted children, but I didn't. It split us up, unfortunately, and it still bothers me a lot to this day.

But, I grew up with parents who had me before they were ready (at the age of 18, with my late father being a high-school drop out with addiction problems and, most likely, undiagnosed Asperger's) and it was hard on me growing up, so I guess that is what shaped my view that if you aren't ready or don't want kids, you shouldn't have them. To do otherwise would be selfish and unfair to the child and I couldn't do that.

I wish I had a magic solution or good advice, believe me, I do, but situations like this can be very hard.

If this is going to be a dealbreaker, you might want to think about leaving. He's made his position on the matter abundantly clear, and if you try to get pregnant, the odds are he will not support you. And even if he does, he will resent being "forced" into a situation he didn't want. You have a very important choice to make. I don't know which is the correct decision, but choose wisely.

Ask him if he wants children beyond that. If he doesn't, there isn't much to talk about.

The world is full of bad parents who should not have bred. Encouraging people to review their suitability is a good idea.

This is true (I guess anyways) but you have to watch out with using that as an argument. If she talks him into having children with that argument, and the child does have autism, I don't think his reaction will be good.

I don't think that is it at all. I see him as not feeling up to the challenge of kids. Not everybody should have kids, irrespective of their neurological classification. Two of my five siblings opted not to have kids, one for temperamental reasons, one for ecological reasons. I don't think that Asperger's would compound into something more extreme, but I also think that sometimes people know they are not designed to have kids. There is also the possibility of him not wanting to impose the challenges on a child that he faced when he was growing up. I know that had I known about Asperger's before I had kids I would have thought long and hard about whether to saddle kids with the kind of childhood I had. On the other hand, it did make it less of an effort raising my youngest who is a lot Aspie, not just a little like the other two. Even before he got diagnosed, I understood him better than other people did and it helped me help him with some of the issues.

I do think it is time to reconsider whether he is in fact "the one", since you are divided by this very basic question.

That's not fair you are minmising a serious decision and denying the difficulties faced by a person growing up with autism. Take your head out of your own backside! I would give up all of my artistic talent if it meant i could socialise with ease or work out my love life. I have a very lonely life. Don't deny that we don't go through pain and that autism can make life an uphill struuggle.

Absolutely.

(I'm one of them. I don't want one of the miserable, hideous, noisy, demanding crapping machines about the place.)

There's no evidence that Aspergers =1 , but that's a different topic.

I personally don't think she can talk him into having kids. There would be alot on HER plate if choosing that path because he would perceive the child as just hers to take care of while he does his hobbies all the time not focusing on his child or her leaving her alone in parenting.

Also, aspie parents can relate to aspie children. NT's struggle with aspie children because they can't relate. If the child ended up having autism, if the child had a parent that actually had a real understanding on a personal level, the chances of the child developing coping skills would most likely be increased due to that bond.

My advice to the OP is to not cater to only his wants of being left alone with hobbies while she doesn't get that option herself. If he doesn't want a child and is firm on this decision, it's up to her to decide if she stays or goes.

Aspies have been treated so unfairly in life that alot get this impression that we're the weakest link but that isn't true. If an aspie mom can force herself to engage with the world for the sake of her child, the male parent can too.

It's a drastic lifestyle change so if he's not ready to participate then you might want to either consider not having a child or finding someone else who will.

Last edited by TheygoMew on 24 Jul 2011, 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would still risk it and hope my kid won't turn out severely autistic.

If he doesn't ever want them with you, you may have to leave him for someone else who does want kids with you.

I was with an ex who wanted kids but he didn't want them right now for at least ten years. He just wanted to be on the computer and spend money on himself. Then after we had split up, he had decided he didn't want kids until the world is better. That means never because the world will never be better under his standards. There are always things in the world we don't like and we just deal with it. Just imagine if a couple back in the 40's decided to not have kids until there is no more stupidity or people being sue happy or no more double standards. 62-71 years later, it's still like this so that would mean that couple never had kids. Have people always been sue happy?

I don't want kids. Its because I know I don't have the patence for them and will be a bad parent. I understnad this can be a deal breaker from relationships and I'm ok with it.

What is with all the cynicism? Maybe it's not best to have children at all. If you still want them, there's plenty of abandoned children that need loving parents. Like the only way to have the experience of children is to have some of your own...

I don't want children. Is that bad?