I am a male NT (21+ y.o.) he is an AS male (26+ y.o.) [undiagnosed AS]. We recently took a long trip to Europe and since we came back I have just not felt the same way towards him. I love him very much but I do not think he is capable of living a "normal life".
To start off he is constantly "job hopping" and blames it on sub-par companies going under that hire him, he further claims that those are the only places he can become employed at due to his GPA, etc. I counter this by saying he just sets himself up for failure by picking to only apply to sub-par companies and then accepting their low ball offer when they pose it. He also has had employers mention, "Why did you not come in at 6:30am today for the meeting?" After being asked this several times I started to tell him he needed to start showing up early and if not he was going to get in trouble. He was eventually fired and on his letter from them explaining why one of the reasons was showing up late for work several times.
When they fired him and they said that in the letter his response to my inquisitiveness regarding it was, "Well it obviously is not true, my boss never said 'Please come in earlier next time.', he just made several comments on what time I got in."
:smacks head against wall:
No one would really talk to him at work either and I tried to encourage him to socialize with others at work to make friends in his dept. but he said he does not like making friends at work.
In the relationship dept everything has come to the point where I can no longer tolerate his odd/rude/unacceptable behavior.
At first I thought I thought that perhaps his behavior was to blame on a personality disorder or other psychological Axis-II disorder (d/o). He would refuse to hold him self accountable for getting fired at any of his past jobs.
I have tried offering to pay for dinners or drinks when going out (which is a rarity in it self because he hates bars or anywhere there are loud noises) but he will not let me do so, ergo I have just given up this past month going out.
He was diagnosed with NVLD (Non-verbal Learning Disorder) as a child and has very awkward patterns of speech, some body movements and understanding of social rules. NVLD is not in the DSM-IV TR nor will it be in the DSM-V. (I know I am going to get backlash for even mentioning the DSM on here but, w/e.)
His freakouts have and can result in the following based on me and his family dealing with him: spitting, punching, saying mean things on impulse due to perceived verbal assault, physical assault due to perceived verbal assault and refusal to follow verbal, written or visual directions.
I digress, I can no longer take his aspie freakouts, his avoidance of going out because of his perception of financial/sensory issues, constant rigidity regarding his "routine" (he refuses to eat after 9:00pm and if I change my mind about what place we are eating at or even worse, what time we are eating at, he will FLIP out.) Usually his flip outs are in my apartment so I can redirect him and get him to not act like an idiot in public, but sometimes it happens in public and then I have to deal with weird looks from other humans watching him refusing to enter a restaurant or something of that sort, acting as if he was 4 years old.
He does not understand that he has to consider what will happen if he changes his mind and how it effects his direct family or myself. His mother just seems to have given up on ever getting him to understand this concept that he has to make decisions in check with how it may effect other people and I now understand why she has done so. My central issue with him is his rigidity which correlates in a positive fashion strongly with his level of anxiety. He said he once did have a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) he use to see when he was in his early twenties and a recent grad out of undergrad. He stated it seemed to help but he has been very resistant to going to see someone due to cost, even though there are low costs clinics in the area but he seems to really have no way of figuring out how to find them.
Something as simple as washing dishes is painful for him, he really does try what appears to be his hardest doing the task but then I look at the dishes on the drying rack and they are still covered in food matter and oils that he did not remove when washing. I have pretty much given up trying to teach him and at this point I am tired of having to have a child-man as a bf.
I recently had just reached my breaking point regarding my tolerance for him and expressed to him that I did not want to date him any longer. He of course started freaking out after about a week because he realized what a large change in his routine it would cause, even though initially he said "The break up will not make me sad, but do you want me to be sad?" to which I replied, "I do not want you to be sad and part of the reason I waited so long to do this was because I had to prepare myself for your lack of a reaction to us breaking up."
He now says he still wants to date and does not wish to separate. I have a difficult time giving him a second chance at this point at time because we both agreed he could talk to a therapist or psychiatrist (his choice of which he picked) to reduce his level of anxiety and therefore reduce his unacceptable behaviors) about nine months ago once I realized that he most likely has AS. He is citing financial reasons as a major part of his reluctance at this point in time but at the same time spends money on massages and on buying baseball tickets (one of his S.I.). I feel like I am more just here for convenience and that he will never change.
Have other gay NT's had this same issues regarding dating AS males? Has anyone else found a strong positive correlation between aspie meltdowns and overall anxiety level? Lately all he does is pay attention to his SI's (sports, excel and politics) and then is applying to jobs on the side which has yielded a few interviews but he usually blows those because of his strange vocal intonations and bizarre mannerisms.
I realize I have to give him a lot of time with his SI's and everything but at this point in time I just want a person in my life who I can pick up from work and surprise with a vacation in the city and not have to prepare for nuclear war as the reaction to my actions.
What do I do?
26 Jul 2011, 3:43 am
