Why am I so angry?

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My aspie partner (I really need to find another term to describe him but "bf" and "significant other" or "dh" doesn't seem to fit) has yet another invitation to go out with his buddy. His buddy has lots of money and always offers to pay for my partner to go out to exciting places like canoe trips or expensive concerts and other places. I'm never invited. I can't afford to go such places. My partner just told me about another exciting invite happening this weekend. His buddy has offered to pay my partner's way to a rock concert. I'm LIVID. My partner has taken me out on exactly ONE DATE in our entire relationship of almost three years. We went to a play because his friend gave us free tickets. So basically what it amounts to is that I stay home and take care of the kids, while he runs off with his sleazy friend who makes money from the porn industry and goes to these fun events.

When I get angry my partner says he can't help it if I don't have someone to pay my way to go to these places. He always says it is a rare opportunity for him to go out and that I should be happy for him.

Someone please tell me, why am I angry, and what exactly is wrong with this picture??

We can't tell you why you're angry, you have to tell us. I can tell you this. If your anger is way out of proportion to the offense, then it's probably something else. However, in this case your anger may not be out of proportion. There may be nothing wrong with this picture.

No MrMark, I meant is it or is it not unfair that my aspie partner goes out when his friend pays for these expensive events, while I sit at home and take care of the kids and can never afford to go anywhere? Should my partner decline these invitations? You see, it creates a situation where I stay at home and look after the kids and never go anywhere while he goes out and attends these amazing events.

I need to understand your relationship better before I can answer that. Is your partner someone we know? Does he post here? What exactly is the nature of your relationship? Is he your children's father? Are you and he emotionally and finacially interdependant? Do you want to spend time together? Do you want to be together, or is this a relationship of convenience, or is there some other reason? How much do you and your partner really talk about your relationship? What kind of commitment have you actually made to each other? What more can you tell me?

Your post is inconsistent. You say this is "always" happening; then you say your "partner" says these opportunities are "rare", which you don't appear to dispute.

Assuming this really does "always" happen, I would be as angry as you, if not more. Once in a blue moon would be different; but if it happens consistently it is disrespectful to you, whether he means it that way or not. In that case, I think he should decline the invitations; or pay for you to go along; or at the VERY LEAST pay part of the cost, with you contributing the rest.

You also might want to ask yourself why you're "partnered" with a man who's taken you out on only one date - which cost him nothing - in three years!! ! That's outrageous.

You just told us exactly why you are angry. Your partner is going out and doing fun things with his rich buddy, while you are stuck at home, taking care of the mundane tasks of existance.

The thing is that you need to communicate this with your partner. Hopefully you can make him feel empathetic towards you, instead of provoking an argument and having him feel resentful. As a man who has been in a few relationships, I would tell you to approach him calmly and rationally at first and explain why you feel left out -- you are supposed to be the most important person to him, but he is at his buddy's beck and call. Don't give him an ultimatum and tell him what to do, but instead present the situation from your point of view, and explain why you are unhappy. He will be more inclined to change his behavior if he feels that it is he himself who is deciding to act better. If you tell him what to do, he will feel controlled and be resentful.

Don't confront him when you are angry or upset, at least at first. However, if you sit down and have open and frank conversations, and his behavior doesn't change, that's a more serious situation.

This buddy of his really is being a jerk, and your partner is passively letting him do so. Hopefully, your partner really does care about you, and he will see how poorly he has treated you, and start giving you more affection and attention.

Of course, there is the possibility that he might not care about you as much as you care about him. If that's the case, he is just using you and he is glad to do something else when the chance comes along. He might say "Well, my buddy only has one extra ticket, I'd like to invite you along, but we can't afford it." In that case, he is being unfair -- he should be more willing to turn his buddy down and prioritize you in his life. If he isn't, then you deserve better, and you should dump him. Let him run around with sleazy porno chicks. He might think it's fun at first, but soon he will be jealous and lonely.

Okay (deep breath) this is the third time his friend has invited him out and paid his way. But these events are always spectacular. A canoe trip in a really beautiful place. A backstage pass to meet members of a really big band. And now this invite to go to a rock concert in the states.

The reason he has only taken me out on one date for which he paid nothing is because he's on disability and can't afford to take me anywhere.

anandamide

I thought you were going to kick him out for not being understanding of your needs enough for you. What changed your mind?

It doesn't seem fair that he gets to do these things without you and never makes it up to you with something he could afford like a picnic in a park with the whole family.

Perhaps next time his friend offers to shout him something cool like this, he could ask very nicely if his rich friend could shout his partner a night out too and a babysitter.

I'm not sure what to make of this. Is this guy the father of your children then he could be your "FoMC" (Father of My Children). Or maybe if he's not married to you but he is your live in partner that makes him your defacto. I don't see anything wrong with Aspie Partner though. If he's none of these things, and you don't see him as a partner, boyfriend or defacto - then maybe you will have to come up with something brutally accurate like "extra child" maybe?

Is it a relief when he's out of the house - or do you just resent that he's having all the fun and you're having all the responsibility. Is there something he does that makes things easier for you in your life or does he always make work and stress for you? Is it only how you think about things - he has a point - you could be happy for him instead, or is there a lot more to it than that?

I have three kids and a part time job. He's my common law spouse and not the father of my children. My littlest one calls him daddy because he wanted her to call him daddy. In the past little while our relationship has deteriorated so this issue of her calling him daddy is a bit of a mess.


I think the problem is that I really despise this friend of his. This friend of his makes his money from driving prostitutes around to their customers. He gets paid a lot of money and drives a nice car. I can't STAND him. He's always very polite and well dressed but he makes me sick. And the thought of my partner going off with him for a good time on the backs of those women while I stay at home and take care of the kids is really more than I can tolerate.

I know Wobbegong, I really have to end this relationship. I know.

I try to tolerate the way he and his friend treat me when they go off together, but then this anger just wells up inside me. Today when he was talking to this friend on the phone about how great the concert was going to be I grabbed the phone from him and hung it up. Then I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in there with the phone so he couldn't use it. I packed his bags again and threatened to put the bags out in the hall. All of this is very immature of me, I know. The kids seem oblivious to it all, but it must have some impact on them.

I think that I can live without him. I'd like to join some writing groups in my area. Maybe I can meet people that way and have a bit of social life.

It's just really hard to say goodbye.

anandamide

A change this big might not be easy. Then again, it might be a huge relief when you finally do make the change.

"common law spouse" - he's your defacto, if you're still having sex with him. If you've stopped having sex with him, then he's a flat mate, I guess. I'll never get why the law cares if you're having sex or not with someone who lives in your house. Here, it can affect the amount of social security they pay out.

So your defacto's friend is really a pimp. Great, just great. I think I'd feel the same as you about accepting gifts from someone like this. Maybe your anger is just part of your process of working up the energy you need to overcome the inertia of staying in the same messy relationship place, to break free.

Maybe consider asking the defacto/flatmate to stay somewhere else a couple of nights to give you a break? And then you will find out how you really feel when he's out of your hair for a bit - (relief + freedom) or (anxiety + longing). Or variations on the themes.

He claims he already has a place to stay. He's going to leave saturday.

I always found I did better without having a relationship anyway. I am always my most productive and social when I am not in a relationship. It's just that the hard part is getting over the person.

I'm sort of looking forward to being single again. I'm going to join the writers groups in my area and try to meet someone who isn't best friends with a pimp.

Both my partner and his buddy claim that these women enjoy what they do, and that these women are well paid. I know that isn't the case. Sometimes women who are "escorts" come into the complex where we live. I know they are drug addicted and not in a very health or happy state.

It's hard for me to keep to my principles or affirm for myself that I have a right to be angry about this scenario. I'm just going to keep my head up and try to treat myself with the dignity and respect that I damn well deserve.

hmm

I'm having trouble relating to the hard part about getting over someone who drives you nuts. Then again there must have been something you liked about him for you to have shacked up with him the first place, and I guess giving up that would be hard - even if it is pretty much gone already.

Anyway - I hope he keeps his promise this time and you get the place to yourself and some relative peace.

Anandamide, from what I read I can say that you are right, 10000% right. He is being very inmature to:

1.- go out on his own if you are(were) living together
2.- go out and have fun without you
3.- to accept invitations that are only for him and not take you into account, or your kids...
4.- to not compensate it
5.- This:

Shouldn't he be the someone that he's talking about?

I'm very sorry for going on about my issues in this thread. I just don't know any other place to get the answers or advice I need for this Asperger's related problem.

I know it seems outrageous that he can't afford to take me on a date. Most women would certainly not put up with that. I know that and he knows it.

He can't pay for himself or me to go anywhere. He's on disability based income assistance. He can't work. He's too low functioning. He can be very social, but there are lots of other issues that make paid work pretty well impossible for him. He has tried and failed many times. And we live in a place that has been singled out by the United Nations, no less, as the WORST place in North America for people on disability. The provincial government's treatment of disabled people is really bad here. He gets exactly $248 to live on per month from the disability based income assistance program as long as he lives with me. So he doesn't have any money to take anyone out on a date with.

What this means is that he can never marry (not in the traditional way) and he can't afford to be in a relationship with a higher functioning woman because when he lives with that woman his disability cheque is automatically reduced so he can't afford the traditional trappings that mark a traditional marriage. He is forced to live in very low circumstances. If he goes out on his own his cheque as a single adult male not in a relationship his cheque goes up a little bit, enough to rent a room somewhere and get by on food stamps.

His cognitive profile is very uneven. He scores significantly lower in all areas than the average person, except for one area. His abstract reasoning. His abstract reasoning is in the TOP 2% of the entire population. I know this for a fact. I have seen and heard it with my own eyes for three years, and tests prove that he has some sort of incredible ability to reason far more quickly than a "normal" person. So he's very intelligent, yet stuck with this brain that precludes paid employment.

We both have huge issues to work through. Everyday the both of us deal with a whole bunch of issues living in the normal world. I also test with above average intelligence, I'm only marginally employed and my disability cheque makes up for the rest of the income I need to survive.

I've tried talking with him about how I feel and how he might feel about this situation where he cannot afford to contribute or afford to get married or go anywhere or do anything the "male" is traditionally supposed to do in the relationship. He doesn't want to to "talk" about it. His solution is to focus on his one very narrow interest, which he spends at least 10 hours a day at. Most of the time I am talking to the back of his head.

He was institutionalized as a child because of his autism. He learned very early in life that if he complained or showed negative feelings he got punished with abandonment in the institutions. He has learned to smile through the pain, and that is what he does very well. He never shows hurt or emotional pain. Sometimes he will go a little quiet. But that's about it. So there is no "emotional' working through anything with a good long talk. The most that we have managed is that he continues with his focus on his interest and I figure out a way to get over whatever is bothering me or forgive him.

Both of us are very intelligent. But, to use the words of a Pink Floyd song, we are living in a "fish bowl day after day" both of us dealing with our Asperger's in our different ways.

When my partner was younger he started a computer business that was very successful. He developed systems for government, or set up their systems or something. His parents have confirmed this to me. But as the technology changed he needed to learn in an academic environment and because of his severe dyslexia and other learning issues he was unable to learn that way. His friend took over the business and now his friend is a millionaire living in the Bahamas. But you see, his friend did not have the dyslexia or the other learning difficulties. My "partner" had to give it up because he couldn't learn the things he needed to as fast as his friend.

When I met him he was penniless and practically homeless. The disability based income assistance program here is very very difficult to get onto. Even with all the medical documentation necessary it takes months and a lot of determination. I took him in, and then persuaded and cajoled him to go through with the process of getting on disability. Previous to being on disability he lived in what I call a "shack" out in the boonies. Prior to that he lived as a companion to a senior citizen for eight years.

So you see, we are dealing with the issues of having Asperger's in a province that is totally brutal to single unemployable disabled people. Everyday he has to come to terms with his low economic and social status. I have to come to terms with his low economic and social status. AND at the same time I am also coming to terms with my own Asperger's issues. While ALSO dealing with the everyday issues that come up in any relationship.

Maybe I should let him go out on these wonderful trips with his friend who makes his money from the prostitutes. Even if I do stay at home and look after the kids. But I can't help being angry at him for not being what I need him to be.

And the part I can't reconcile or figure out is whether or not I have a right to be angry at him, given all the circumstances.

Its ok. A lot of us do that from time to time. I know how you feel though and its ok to be angry about it. You need to have a talk with him. Get him to reason with you. To figure out why he wants to do things with his buddy than he does with you. Your his girl friend which should mean more to him than his buddy. If you can't have a better relationship with him tht han he and his buddy wouldn't you think that he might not want to hang out with you? Talk to him about this it might help.

If I was you I would be pissed off too, I mean how awful does that make you feel?

I'd like to say jerks aren't worth your time, but I'm having trouble accepting that myself as i'm trying to get over a jerk at the time being >_<

Good luck to you.