general dating advice needed

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I want to start dating but Im not interested in just sex but meeting a man who wants a long term relationship, Ive had lots of problems in the past so thought I would ask you peeps for some advice.

What are the best ways for an aspie to date? (online, clubs, what?)

What places are the best ones to go to meet men?

What are some ways to tell if they like ME not just fancy me?

How can I tell if they are the sort to turn abusive?

Also I have 2 children with asd so whats they best way to handle that? I let my last bf meet them and spend time with them and they were very hurt when he left me and I dont want them hurt again. However its seems unrealistic to think i can keep a bf totally separate.

Lastly, my last bf was very critical of how I am and made me feel very poor gf material, how should I use this information to make a new relationship work?Such as should I write a list of my faults and work through them or should i tell new bf about my faults up front, that sort of thing. I think maybe 'one mans wine is anothers poison' and maybe someone else wont mind me so much? Im having therapy to make me better (I can be controlling/ocd, depressed and grumpy)

anyway any advice welcome

Last edited by The-Raven on 04 Aug 2011, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

any advice on any of those questions would be more than appreciated

Unless you're specifically looking towards Aspie men, I can't help you. I hear a lot that Aspies are better at online dating than others, so that might be your way of getting something.

There's a women's discussion board on these forums as well. Perhaps they can help you better. Or perhaps someone more knowledgeable than me will show up.

There are few people who are less qualified than me to give advice on this subject, but I do have children so I have a little experience to offer there.

My ex-wife dated a lot before she met her current boyfriend (whom she lives with). Her policy was to not have the children meet any of the guys she was dating until it became serious. This was probably easier in her case because she could always leave the children with me when she went on her dates. When she finally did have the children meet them my AS son was upset that she was dating at all, but seemed to get used to it fairly quickly. They were also a little upset when he broke up with her, but not terribly so, and seem to be quite fond of her current boyfriend (whom they live with).

Things are definitely not going to be perfect when you're trying to raise children in a broken home, but in my experience things have gone as well as can be expected by doing things this way.

I don't know how they will react if I ever manage to find a girlfriend, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

How do you know when the relationship has become serious? Are there any observable markers I can look for?

Yes I would prefer aspie men though I would not discriminate against NT men who were 'like minded' (probably would make them aspie tho lol).

In person. My personal best results were one-on-one. I have also experienced success in small groups of friends where the object of my affection was included in an outing. I have a way of making a moment feel one-on-one with someone while we're in the middle of a group without alienating anyone in the group. If you aren't comfortable in groups, I'd recommend one-on-one dating with activities that allow you to focus on each other (no movies/plays/operas/concerts/etc until you know each other).



College. Special interest groups. I've met some guys online but... meh.



Don't sleep with him. If he loses interest quickly, he was only in it for sex. No one will really like YOU until they know you. This will take a while. Also, don't sleep with anyone you really don't know and expect a relationship to blossom from that. While there are some success stories, such things usually end badly. You don't gamble on the odds of being an exception.



Usually around the time they call you fat, take control of all the money, alienate you from your friends or begin hitting. Abusers have a knack for being The Best Guy Ever until they feel they've got you locked in.



You can and should keep the boyfriend separate until he is actually a boyfriend. He should know upfront that you have two kids. This lets him know his place (3rd in line). But until you're sure he's a long-term fixture, he shouldn't be introduced into the children's lives. Also, and he'll already be aware of this, if he doesn't mix well with the kids when it's finally time to introduce them, he's out the door. Not getting along well with them is a dealbreaker always.



Don't talk about your ex on dates. There'll be a point in a relationship where it will be appropriate for both of you to talk about exes. Talk too soon, like while just dating someone, and it will give the message that you're still hung up on your ex. Your ex was a jerk who didn't appreciate you. That's all there is to it. A million people have that story.

I have no idea, but if I had to guess it's when you are seeing them on a regular basis and not thinking about anyone else(?)

Hopefully someone with actual relationship experience will jump in - anyone?

You stop seeing other people. You stop considering seeing other people. You start thinking about the future with this person (not a fantasy but actual realistic plans). You know them enough to rely upon them, and they upon you. You seek their opinion and they seek yours. There's an inclusion into each other's lives that happens when there's a relationship. Usually, this begins to happen before you even say "I love you" the first time. You stop worrying that they won't be there. In a situation with children, the person has been introduced to the kids and they have a positive and supportive relationship wherein both the kids and partner look forward to seeing each other.

what courses and what interests, my interests tend to be quite feminine such as psychology and yoga



you misunderstand me, I meant how shall I use that experience such as should I write a list of my faults and work through them or should i tell new bf about my faults up front, that sort of thing.

but I do have a problem with talking about exes and do it too much without noticing and I will have to be more disciplined, I like saying funny anecdotes thats my problem

well thats no help to me as I wont be seeing other people from the begining and my feelings for them might not be representative of the length or seriousness of the relationship, they might view it as casual