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Does your social ineptness surprise your friends?

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Bataar
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01 Aug 2011, 1:13 am

A couple of mine were really surprised today. They don't know I have Aspergers. They probably just think I'm shy and/or introverted. We were crossing on a ferry boat tonight and sitting a little ways away from us was a couple of cute girls. My friends knew I thought they were cute and told/suggested I go to talk to them, as if it were no big deal that everyone can just do. The look on his face when I turned and asked, "talk to them about what?" was almost priceless. He then asked, "what do you mean? Just talk to them." Other than a greeting, I wouldn't know where to go. Saying something like, "gee, your hair sure is blonde." just doesn't seem like the thing to do and it's about as lame as any other small talk I can/can't think of.



Jory
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01 Aug 2011, 1:14 am

Surprise my what? :|



Bataar
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01 Aug 2011, 1:20 am

Jory wrote:
Surprise my what? :|

To be fair, friend is probably too strong of a term. Good acquaintances is probably more accurate.



Fatal-Noogie
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01 Aug 2011, 1:27 am

Bataar wrote:
A couple of mine were really surprised today. They don't know I have Aspergers. They probably just think I'm shy and/or introverted. We were crossing on a ferry boat tonight and sitting a little ways away from us was a couple of cute girls. My friends knew I thought they were cute and told/suggested I go to talk to them, as if it were no big deal that everyone can just do. The look on his face when I turned and asked, "talk to them about what?" was almost priceless. He then asked, "what do you mean? Just talk to them." Other than a greeting, I wouldn't know where to go. Saying something like, "gee, your hair sure is blonde." just doesn't seem like the thing to do and it's about as lame as any other small talk I can/can't think of.
So, I'd take my friends literally whey they say "what do you mean? Just talk to them."
I'd walk up just start scat-singing like Cab Calloway or Scatman John: "Scapp-ah'dabab-boodleyWOP De-ba-boodlye...wudlywittleywoodlywiddlyWopWOP'WOP!"
and watch the girls flee the scene in terror,
then when my friends say, "What the f*****g hell was THAT!?"
I'd say, "You just told me to talk with no regard for subject matter or conversational context, so I did." :wink:


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AsteroidNap
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01 Aug 2011, 2:01 am

Bataar wrote:
A couple of mine were really surprised today. They don't know I have Aspergers. They probably just think I'm shy and/or introverted. We were crossing on a ferry boat tonight and sitting a little ways away from us was a couple of cute girls. My friends knew I thought they were cute and told/suggested I go to talk to them, as if it were no big deal that everyone can just do. The look on his face when I turned and asked, "talk to them about what?" was almost priceless. He then asked, "what do you mean? Just talk to them." Other than a greeting, I wouldn't know where to go. Saying something like, "gee, your hair sure is blonde." just doesn't seem like the thing to do and it's about as lame as any other small talk I can/can't think of.


I would qualify this by saying you're probably both shy/introverted AND have AS. Two separate characteristics to account for.

My friends, and family, aren't so much surprised by my social ineptness as they are by the fact that I don't have a girlfriend (or wife). Some of them probably think I'm in the closet and some probably think I'm some sort of playboy, haha. If they only knew the truth.



Bataar
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01 Aug 2011, 2:24 am

AsteroidNap wrote:
Bataar wrote:
A couple of mine were really surprised today. They don't know I have Aspergers. They probably just think I'm shy and/or introverted. We were crossing on a ferry boat tonight and sitting a little ways away from us was a couple of cute girls. My friends knew I thought they were cute and told/suggested I go to talk to them, as if it were no big deal that everyone can just do. The look on his face when I turned and asked, "talk to them about what?" was almost priceless. He then asked, "what do you mean? Just talk to them." Other than a greeting, I wouldn't know where to go. Saying something like, "gee, your hair sure is blonde." just doesn't seem like the thing to do and it's about as lame as any other small talk I can/can't think of.


I would qualify this by saying you're probably both shy/introverted AND have AS. Two separate characteristics to account for.

My friends, and family, aren't so much surprised by my social ineptness as they are by the fact that I don't have a girlfriend (or wife). Some of them probably think I'm in the closet and some probably think I'm some sort of playboy, haha. If they only knew the truth.

I'm introverted, but I'm not shy. I'll talk to anyone if there's something worth talking about. My problem is that I need to have an interesting subject.



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01 Aug 2011, 2:35 am

While I don't have(and don't want) any friends, I often surprise my coworkers with how socially inept I am. For example, my supervisor was trying to explain how to interact with customers when he asked "When you ask a woman on a date, do you read a script, or do you just talk to her?" I told him I'd never been on a date with a woman(Which was the truth.) The expression on his face was like I'd told him I was from Mars.



AsteroidNap
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01 Aug 2011, 2:57 am

Bataar wrote:
I'm introverted, but I'm not shy. I'll talk to anyone if there's something worth talking about. My problem is that I need to have an interesting subject.


Yeah, that is a skill, finding something interesting in the everyday mundane world. One friend of mine once suggested using the environment as a subject. For example these girls you mention, you might just ask them if they take the ferry often, which leads into where you're going, where they're going, and then becoming genuinely interested in them as persons by asking questions about them (not creepy questions like addresses, etc).

I remember once talking with a woman for about an hour regarding cheese...haha. We were at a ski lodge, but she worked at a high end cheese shop, and so I kept asking her questions about cheese -- which turns out IS quite interesting. But if you would have told me before this to talk to a woman about cheese as a way to strike up a conversation, I would have said you were daft, haha. However, in addition to cheese, I found out a lot about her, her aspirations (no she didn't want to sell cheese all her life, but would love to move into an artist's loft with a bunch of 21st century socialist-type friends, make art, drink wine and eat cheese), where she lived, views on relationships....etc.

So, yeah, perhaps making the individual you're talking to the 'interesting subject' as a way to approach your particular issues. Just a thought.



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01 Aug 2011, 3:00 am

Yes, they always think I am intentionally being mean. I always get reprimanded for it, apparently it can make other peoples lives difficult.

People I just met always think I hate them, and always tell this to whichever friend in common we met through.


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AsteroidNap
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01 Aug 2011, 3:17 am

sagan wrote:
Yes, they always think I am intentionally being mean. I always get reprimanded for it, apparently it can make other peoples lives difficult.

People I just met always think I hate them, and always tell this to whichever friend in common we met through.


hmmm, very curious to know how this manifests...could you give an example? This reminds me of someone I knew once.



sagan
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01 Aug 2011, 3:37 am

AsteroidNap wrote:
sagan wrote:
Yes, they always think I am intentionally being mean. I always get reprimanded for it, apparently it can make other peoples lives difficult.

People I just met always think I hate them, and always tell this to whichever friend in common we met through.


hmmm, very curious to know how this manifests...could you give an example? This reminds me of someone I knew once.


Sure.

So I am a very quite person. I do not talk much, never speak unless spoken to. And when I do, I do not look people in the eyes. Same for when others speak, I listen but will not look at them. And my face doesn't do much in the emotion / expression area, so I have to fake smiles and looks of awe, sadness, etc. I guess I'm not that great of an actor. My expressions never quite fit what others are saying, so it looks like I am trying really hard to pretend I like them. I fake smile too much, I guess it looks forced.

In the last couple of weeks I have already been asked by two people, "Why do you hate me so much."

And of course they ask me in front of other people, which just makes me anxious and angry, and I never know what to respond. Generally just look at them with a quizzical face, and continue whatever I was doing.

Normally I do not mind, I have grown accustomed to it. But when it is someone you thought was your friend, that really sucks.


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AsteroidNap
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01 Aug 2011, 4:02 am

sagan wrote:
AsteroidNap wrote:
sagan wrote:
Yes, they always think I am intentionally being mean. I always get reprimanded for it, apparently it can make other peoples lives difficult.

People I just met always think I hate them, and always tell this to whichever friend in common we met through.


hmmm, very curious to know how this manifests...could you give an example? This reminds me of someone I knew once.


Sure.

So I am a very quite person. I do not talk much, never speak unless spoken to. And when I do, I do not look people in the eyes. Same for when others speak, I listen but will not look at them. And my face doesn't do much in the emotion / expression area, so I have to fake smiles and looks of awe, sadness, etc. I guess I'm not that great of an actor. My expressions never quite fit what others are saying, so it looks like I am trying really hard to pretend I like them. I fake smile too much, I guess it looks forced.

In the last couple of weeks I have already been asked by two people, "Why do you hate me so much."

And of course they ask me in front of other people, which just makes me anxious and angry, and I never know what to respond. Generally just look at them with a quizzical face, and continue whatever I was doing.

Normally I do not mind, I have grown accustomed to it. But when it is someone you thought was your friend, that really sucks.


thanks for that. That does suck....do your friends know you have AS? This person I knew was a co-worker some years ago who always seemed angry...only within the last few months have I come to realize he likely had AS too. Not that it matters much to me now. But he also suffered from hearing loss, so that when he talked, his voice was always loud which added to this sense of anger.

This is completely random, but are you a fan of Harry Potter? I had this silly notion that you could pretend you were casting the boggart-banishing spell Riddikulus at people, imagining them in some funny or ridiculous situation as you engage them. There's supposedly a similar technique for public speaking in which you imagine your audience in their underwear in order to relieve anxiety. Meh...as I said, silly thoughts.



Bataar
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01 Aug 2011, 10:18 am

AsteroidNap wrote:
Bataar wrote:
I'm introverted, but I'm not shy. I'll talk to anyone if there's something worth talking about. My problem is that I need to have an interesting subject.


Yeah, that is a skill, finding something interesting in the everyday mundane world. One friend of mine once suggested using the environment as a subject. For example these girls you mention, you might just ask them if they take the ferry often, which leads into where you're going, where they're going, and then becoming genuinely interested in them as persons by asking questions about them (not creepy questions like addresses, etc).

The way my brain works, that wouldn't even occur to me because the information of how often they take the ferry is useless in and of itself. I agree that it would be a good thing to ask, just that, I wouldn't have thought about it.

Quote:
I remember once talking with a woman for about an hour regarding cheese...haha. We were at a ski lodge, but she worked at a high end cheese shop, and so I kept asking her questions about cheese -- which turns out IS quite interesting. But if you would have told me before this to talk to a woman about cheese as a way to strike up a conversation, I would have said you were daft, haha. However, in addition to cheese, I found out a lot about her, her aspirations (no she didn't want to sell cheese all her life, but would love to move into an artist's loft with a bunch of 21st century socialist-type friends, make art, drink wine and eat cheese), where she lived, views on relationships....etc.

So, yeah, perhaps making the individual you're talking to the 'interesting subject' as a way to approach your particular issues. Just a thought.

How did you get on the subject of cheese? Did you just walk up to a complete stranger and ask where she worked or what?



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01 Aug 2011, 10:52 am

Not really, they can see my severe social ineptness through me.



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01 Aug 2011, 10:59 am

Bataar wrote:
friends

What's that? :P



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01 Aug 2011, 11:51 am

Bataar wrote:
How did you get on the subject of cheese? Did you just walk up to a complete stranger and ask where she worked or what?

Yeah, it was a bit of a unique situation...we were all staying at this ski lodge...it was a nine bedroom rustic accommodation with a communal common room and kitchen. At night, you were essentially forced to interact with strangers as you made dinner. This woman made a comment comparing Wisconsin cheese to Vermont cheese, and I being an expatriot cheesehead from Wisconsin naturally asked how Vermont cheese could be better than Wisconsin cheese, haha. It just sort of took off from there. Whenever the conversation lagged, I would just ask another question of her. I was trying really hard to monitor whether she was getting bored of the conversation, but when she moved closer and began talking to me exclusively, even I got the hint! haha. I will never forget about cheese and that lovely conversation, even though nothing much else came from it.