I don't know if I can keep it up

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Ok so, like I wrote in my introduction post, I'm not formally diagnosed with aspergers, but I definitely have some traits. It's not normally that obvious (well at least I like to think that its not) unless I am in a relationship, and then I seem to have all kinds of difficulties. It's not hard for me to get a boyfriend, since I'm reasonably attractive, guys will normally put in the effort to get my attention, but once we are officially dating, I have a hard time. I've been trying to figure out for forever why I sink into depression on and off quite frequently and intensely when I am in a relationship. I get depressed when I'm single too, but less often, for shorter periods and it's balanced by better "highs" in between. Does anyone suffer from this relationship depression?

I don't really want to be single, and I have a great boyfriend. He's physically attractive, intelligent, dependable, and nice. He doesn't care about marriage or kids, so there is no pressure from that, and we have a decent routine where I still spend a decent amount of time separate, though lately I feel like I wouldn't mind seeing him even a little less.

I do have a good time when we are together most of the time, but it's like I don't meet his expectations as a girlfriend. I'm not affectionate enough, which he says he's fine with, but he still brings it up. I say things that hurt his feelings sometimes. I don't get it when he tries to initiate sex and I don't want it often enough - I think I have a normal sex drive, but I'm picky about touch and it is diminishing, but I think that's from the depression and issues we have. I have trouble when he wants me to say that I miss him or that I will be with him forever, because I don't miss him often, because I see him every week, and I don't know if we will be together forever. He still wants to hear it, but I cannot sincerely say any of that.

Overall, he says I am a good girlfriend, and he likes that I am not over the top emotional like a lot of his exes, but I still feel like I fall short. He even dumped me once during a fight, but we didn't actually split up. It still hurt my feelings. I also feel the pressure of having to keep a person in my thoughts all the time. I hate fights, and I can't express myself when things don't go well. I can't think of words when I get emotional, and I just freeze up then cry. I feel like I just can't quite connect to him, like I like being with him, but I don't think I'm in love. I don't know where to go from here, or how to work on any of this stuff. I know that break ups are sad for me, but also feel like a huge relief. I'm not ready to give up yet though. Can anyone relate to any of this? Any advice?

I cannot personally relate, being more like your boyfriend as you've described him, but it sounds to me like you are in a way going through the motions with relationships. You list the "pros" of the relationships the way you'd list the features of a new car. Cars are nice but not the lifeblood of anything. What would your ideal relationship be like? Something that inspires feelings of love in you? Or are you more interested in focusing on non-relationship things? Or would you be most content with a partner with your same (lower-than-average) level of attachment? Just some questions I thought might elucidate things more maybe.

Thanks for replying, My ideal relationship would definitely involve love. I was in love once, so I know that it's possible for me to feel strongly for someone. In retrospect, I wonder if I was happy in that relationship, because it was long distance and we could only see each other once a week, so it always left me wanting more rather than less. I do think that I could be in love with my current boyfriend if I felt like I was what he wanted rather than almost what he wants.

I think my description of his traits were only car-like because I was trying to be brief, and because I'm not exactly great expressing things. My attraction to him initially was a shared interest. He's an expert on the thing I was currently obsessed with. He was patient when we dated - never pushy, but always there. I trust him. My previous relationship was a nightmare, but my boyfriend proved over and over again that he could be trusted. He's open minded. I admire his intelligence and his knowledge about his interests, which I guess is to say that I believe in him. He takes an interest in my interests and researches them when we're apart, which I think is really sweet. I could easily go on - I do really like this guy. I just don't always feel good when we are together.

His level of attachment does seem to be on the low side to begin with I think. He has his own interests and likes a good amount of alone time, which is perfect for me. He just wants me to be more expressive. If I do the specific things he asks for though, he's not happy, because it seems forced. I wish he could see that even if it is forced, I'm just trying really hard to make him happy.

Today I think he's unhappy with me again. We had a nice night last night and went out for dinner. I was having a good time with him. When we got home we were play fighting and he was tickling me. At first it was fun, but then it was too much for me and he didn't stop until I got mad. Then he said he wasn't tickling any more - that he was touching me normally, but at that point I did not want to be touched any more. I think he wanted sex, but I couldn't even handle being touched any more, so obviously it wasn't going to happen. In retrospect, when he was asking if I was tired and wanted to go to bed before that, he was also probably implying that he wanted sex. Now maybe he feels rejected? I don't know. I just know that this morning he was acting strange and quiet and wouldn't say what he was thinking, just that we would talk later.