Been dumped...

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Hi everyone,

My boyfriend, who has Asperger, broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. He did however tell me things like this 'isn't a goodbye, but rather a hiatus' and that I 'could get him back if I would change certain things about myself'. Two days before the break up he even told me that we would talk about our problems and that everything would be fine between us after this conversation. He also said he loved me a lot.

I haven't heard from him since he broke up with me and he ignores all my phone calls and emails. It's like I don't exist for him anymore. I really don't know what to think. I miss him terribly and I've got the feeling he's trying to forget me. It hurts so much, we were so close.

I wonder if he will come back to me. That's what I'm really worrying about at the moment.

Does it happen a lot that someone with Asperger's syndrome breaks up with his or her partner and comes back after some weeks or longer?

I think it's a very confusing situation and I can't get any answers from him about this behaviour. I wonder what other people with Asperger's syndrome have to say about this...

Is it realistic to think we will be back together eventually or is this really the end? Is there any hope? When someone with Asperger's ends the relationship, is there any chance he or she will return or is it just over for him and will he move on?

Thanks in advance

It depends on the person.
Some will come back; some won't.
NT relationships end, too.

He might be stressed and overwhelmed, breaking up with you so he doesn't have to put you through his semi-breakdown and/or see him like that.

Or he could have just wanted to break up with you and not known how to tell you, so he chickened out and went the "lets take a break" route.

There are a lot of things it could be. Just give him time, and when you feel that it is time for you to move on - move on.

I can't speak for your ex, but I have some thoughts on this from an AS point of view.

I had always felt that no one really wanted anything to do with me, so when I actuall got into a relationship, I tended to hang on as much as I could, and breakups were always really hard on me; after all, I was never the one leaving.

So I ended up with this girl who felt the same way I did, and for a long time things were great. What I didn't understand at the time, because we were barely teenagers at the time, was how codependent she was. I also didn't recognize the same tendencies in myself, due in no small part to my intense dedication to my special interests.

Over time, she became unbearably demanding, and I was miserable in the relationship by the end of high school and into college. I got to the point I really felt I couldn't take my next breath without her, but at the same time I knew that the relationship was slowly killing me. We were supposed to get married, so when I even hinted about being unhappy, she favored just postponing the wedding rather than a total breakup. I went along with it because finals were coming up. Like I said, I felt totally dependent on her and couldn't take the guilt right before exams and summer break.

Once we got home, I DID break up with her and subsequently avoided her like urge plague. I DID still love her, but loving her wasn't worth destroying my life. For me, that whole summer was just about getting over a relationship that made it 6 years and had really defined who I'd become. I had to completely relearn who I was before her and begin relying on myself. The only way to do that was a complete break, and I didn't see her again until after school started back in the fall.

She basically started stalking me, and we agreed to be "just friends". But the whole time she was trying to get me back into a relationship with her and was even telling her friends and my friends we were getting back together. When people started asking me about it, I wa horrified. I told her from that point on not to ever so much as look at me again.

I'm not trying to compare you with my ex, of course. We are both MUCH happier now--with other people. What I AM saying is that a breakup or hiatus has to be a complete break to accomplish its purpose, whatever that may be. I'd be curious whether he is seeing someone else and just doesn't want to tell you. If that is the case, it's not your place to interfere right now because he doesn't want to be with you. If he does still have feelings for you, whatever he's doing with whoever he's doing it to will eventually run it's course. It's your decision whether you wait for him or not, but I suggest you take the time to meet new guys, avoid rebounding into a potentially bad relationship, and overall just enjoy having some freedom. Don't call, don't text, don't email, don't telegraph, and don't even send a raven (Game of Thrones, yeah!). I once found with a different girl that when she dumped me, she never wanted to talk to me when I called her. I learned to stop obsessing over her and put all my energy into work. In two weeks she was calling me, you know, to make sure I was OK. Truth? She was unhappy with the guy she left me for! Had been for a long time, but she couldn't think about that because I wouldn't leave her alone. We went out a couple of times after that, but I was already interested in someone else. That relationship very quietly faded, and I don't miss her at all.

Take some time now to live a little. You might really be surprised! If he decides he misses you and comes back, GREAT. Life is just too short, and he can't leave you hanging forever. Besides, you seeing someone else might make him jealous. If not, you can have a lot of fun trying, and you might meet someone along the way you'll be even more in love with and much happier.

Sorry to say it, but I'm very doubtful he's returning. Sounds like he giving you the cold shoulder.

Thanks for your help guys. I will give him time now, I'm not contacting him anymore. I have tried to avoid stalking him anyway, I did try to call him once in these three weeks and I did send two or three emails, but that's about it. I find it strange that if he really wanted to leave me forever, he kept asking me things like: will you try to win me back? But maybe he didn't mean anything with it, I don't know.

I just really find it very painful that he has completely ignored me for three weeks now, we were so close before. I was just wondering if that had anything to do with his Asperger's, the way he's treating me right now. It's also very confusing when he's telling me it's just a hiatus and that I can win him back and that he would be there for me in the meantime as a friend, and then the next moment he acts like I don't exist to him anymore.

I just don't know if he misses me...Do any of you know if people with Asperger's syndrome miss people that aren't in their life anymore more or less than people without the syndrome?

He broke up with you and you want to get back together, thats the normal reaction I think.
Here´s the thing he said that he would like to get back to you if you changed some things, I see no mention about those changes and how re you trying to achieve them on your post.

He may want to get back with you at some point but he is the one the did the break up and the one that isnt returning your calls etc so he has to be the one that makes the first approach on getting back together.

In the meantime trying to find someone else/some sort of hobby that distracts you from thinking about him probably wont hurt you.

He probably misses you a lot but if he started telling you about how much he is missing you right now it would be like the first step for getting back together and he doesnt seem to be ready for that at the moment.

Have you tried t do some sort of activity with him that doesnt involve asking him about your relationship status?. Try to do some sort of group activites at the beginning so that it doesnt seem like you are planning a date or something.

He told me he broke up with me because I worry too much about things (and bother him too much with it I guess) and that I'm too insecure. I did ask him in the past if something about me was bothering him and if I needed to change anything, and he told me: 'you do worry a lot, there's no reason for it, but you can and should tell me everything. I'd rather you tell me about it then you keep your worries to yourself.'

Anyway, I do realise my mistakes and I've started working on those things now during this time apart more than I did before, and therefore, a hiatus is actually not a bad thing I've concluded.

I'm also trying to do things that distract me, I've signed up for a new sport for example, spanish classes and I'm trying to find a new part time job. I'm really trying to work on myself at the moment, trying to gain more confidence etc, trying to worry less about unimportant things etc (although I worry a lot about our relationship at the moment of course).

I read a topic on this forum (the break-up aspie style one) and some people with the syndrome posted that when they ended a relationship, they would just switch off their feelings for their ex and forget about her/him. They wouldn't look back at the relationship and just move on.

I'm just afraid he's doing the same now

Anyway, I can't do much about it and I have to give him time. In the mean time I'm working on myself so if he does return, I can be a better girlfriend for him.

I think in his own way he is breaking up with you but one mustn't assume. Some of us can get overwhelmed with people wanting to be with us 24/7, at least that's been my case. He may need his space but if he isn't returning your calls or contacting you then I must assume the other course. He's probably breaking up with you but doesn't want to confront it. That's another thing aspies have trouble with, open confrontation. Then again, maybe he doesn't know what he wants. He might be taking a break from it all.

Move on. I don't know what he wants to change about you and it's very unfair to be in a relationship with anyone who requests that only one side of the party changes as if the other person in the party is perfect.

Not all aspies can speak for each other because we're all individuals. Some of us can be very direct even when being emotionally involved with someone while some of us hate conflict so much that we give other reasons other than the full truth in hopes the other person will just move on eventually.

Not returning your emails or phone calls however does suggest he is hurting over it and he does not intend to get back with you. Go do what it takes for you to move on.

It's rather mean for him to imply you should be trying to win him back as if he's some prize and who exactly are you supposed to compete with? Is he seeing someone else?

as far as I know, there isn't anyone else...it was more like I have to change things (I agree I do need to change some things) in order to get him back...

I was really upset the moment he broke up with me, because I wasn't expecting it at all. Two days before he wanted to talk and he said everything would be fine between us. So I was crying a lot and really upset. He also was angry about something that week. Could the way we broke up also have something to do with him cutting off all contact? Could it be that he's still angry or emotional (even though it's been three weeks now) and needs a lot of time to get over his emotions? Could it be that he might talk to me again after some time? Or is this just his way of telling me: I don't want to be with you anymore?

But then again, why did he want to hear I was gonna try to win him back? It's so confusing

He's never been a direct Aspie. He's always given other reasons for things...

actually i agree 100% with the parts i quoted above.

i also think that a person's insecurity can prevent them from seeing that they are not the whole problem. so when he told you that you needed to change, you believed that 100% and saw the problems must really be all your fault, when it is most likely a combination of factors that involve both parties.

he has also gotten you stuck in a catch-22:

....if you contact him, you are showing worry and insecurity and thus have not changed enough to meet his requirements
....if you do not contact him, he will not know that you still want him back so you could lose your chance

you have done everything you can in order to demonstrate what you want from him. at this point, since he has not responded it is probably best to assume that it is all completely over and move on. you are already filling your days with fun and fruitful activities and in time you will get over him. someday... he may even see how secure and independent you are and might ask for you back, and at that point... you may not even want him anymore.

from personal experience... my insecurity and worry is capable of making a things very difficult with a mate or even a friend. however, from my own situations i have found that there are people out there who will accept those difficulties at face value and be willing to support and assist me as i become stronger, instead of just making demands and walking away. my former husband was a person who did stand by me like that, and i know there are also other men out there who are just as supportive (i have male friends who are proof of that).

Oh, there was plenty I'd have loved to change about my ex. There's a problem with changing, though, and it is this: First, she wouldn't even THINK about changing before I told her we were on the way out. Then all of a sudden, it's like "oh, I'll be better, I'll be better..." And then when we were just hanging out as friends, or so I thought, it was back to the same patterns of mental abuse. At the most inopportune times, in public and in front of both of our friends, she'd scream at me "WE have to TALK about this!! !" Um, NO, we really don't... I'm not your bf. I owe you nothing.

Second, if you ever have to start talking "change," I'm afraid it's already too late. People will change as they become more mentally/emotionally mature, as they see a need to, and as they have a desire to. If someone can't love you the way you are, that person doesn't belong with you.

And third, change because you want to be better all around. Don't do it to please another person. That's not to say you shouldn't call someone on mistreating you or being a lazy bum. That's not to say someone can't be critical of you if you are out of line. But NO ONE is wrong ALL the time. If you feel that what is needed here is a complete change of who you are, that you're never right about anything, or if you feel HE is never right about anything, then you're not right for each other.

I feel that my wife validates me MAYBE 85% all the time. I can accept that since the other 15% is mostly encouragement, but if I'm really being a lazy bum and not picking up my clothes from my side of the bed, then we really do have a problem. But it's a problem I can own and solve by being neater.

I'm not going to say "don't ever change." Some change is good. But if changing masks who you are deep down, acting in ways so much fundamentally different from what you're comfortable with, PLEASE don't change because those deep-down qualities will be the ones that makes you totally irresistible to someone who understands that and truly loves you.

^ This. Make changes because YOU want them, not because someone else wants them.

Thanks for all your replies guys! I did send him one last email about that he can always contact me if he wants to, and that I will give him all the time and space he needs. I'm not gonna say more to him, I'm gonna try to move on. It's very hard though, we were so close and have been together for 15 months. It's such a bitter and abrupt end...it's very painful.

Come back with an update.