Relationship? No thankyou!

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Joined: 17 Aug 2006
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26 Apr 2011, 4:45 am

I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship. Lately I've been doubting whether I really want one at all. The experiences I've had in relationships (or semi-relationships) have been positive, but in the last one I had felt stifled. Basically I feel like I just want to be free to do whatever I want, play the field, hang out and hook up with whoever I feel like. I love my independence, and I feel like I have too strong an individual personality to be one of a pair.

It's weird because the way society is geared is that you're expected to be looking for a relationship when you're in your 20's, and I've always just sort of gone along with it without taking my personality into account and thinking really deeply about whether I actually want this.

The concept of a partnership feels and seems stifling to me, and I don't like the thought of sharing everything with another person, or having to have another person tag along with me all the time, no matter how much I liked that person.

I'm not doing this for promiscuity reasons, but more for a deeper sense of freedom and power. It's almost like life and people are a video game, and I love the concept of playing the game with the cheat code on so I can do anything I feel like - meet whoever, go wherever, do whatever, and have nobody to answer to but myself. I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone they would have control over me and shelter/smother me.

I feel like the only way I can grow as a person and find out who I truly am is to have to answer to nobody but myself. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please other people at the expense of pleasing myself. I feel like I've done this so long that I don't even truly know what I like or want.

I've only very recently started to realize all this about myself. Are these feelings weird and unnatural? Or is it normal to feel this way?

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dunbots
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26 Apr 2011, 5:11 am

[redacted]

Last edited by dunbots on 26 Apr 2011, 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hale_bopp
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26 Apr 2011, 5:13 am

You're young, so I guess so?

I never have personally, I don't want hookups or a relationship. I'm just a loner.

techstepgenr8tion
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26 Apr 2011, 5:56 am

I think this just means that you aren't built to 'melt' or 'merge' into someone else. You probably need someone who's as independent as you are, is a good person, would challenge you in ways that you'd like to be challenge but who's ultimately looking for the same thing - someone to grow in parallel with and when you need help they have your back, when they need help you have their back, etc.

I'm in a similar situation and its tough. Good luck on things though and, first and foremost, just stay true to your internal compass. Its really all you have in this life.

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26 Apr 2011, 7:01 am

Sunshower I think you are doing what's best for you and long as you are careful that is all you need to be concerned about. I wish I had my mind on Me production instead of reproduction.

Moog
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26 Apr 2011, 7:13 am

sunshower wrote:

The concept of a partnership feels and seems stifling to me, and I don't like the thought of sharing everything with another person, or having to have another person tag along with me all the time, no matter how much I liked that person.

A partnership doesn't have to be that stifling. I would never want to do everything with one other person. Well, maybe for a little while, but then I feel the need for space again.

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I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone they would have control over me and shelter/smother me.

You feel like that? So is that necessarily truth, or a projected fear? You don't have to be in a smoothering/sheltering relationship with a controlling person. That is one possible scenario, not an inevitability.

Quote:

I feel like the only way I can grow as a person and find out who I truly am is to have to answer to nobody but myself. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please other people at the expense of pleasing myself. I feel like I've done this so long that I don't even truly know what I like or want.

You can grow tremendously through learning to merge with others. But you do have to build a solid self to dissolve. It depends on where you are in your life path as to which direction you have to swim to find growth.

Quote:

I've only very recently started to realize all this about myself. Are these feelings weird and unnatural? Or is it normal to feel this way?

Not abnormal no. The balance between independence needs and interdependence needs is a hard one to get right. At times I feel the need for more of one or the other.

I would say that you shouldn't throw the idea of relationship/partnership away for good. Things change.

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sunshower
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26 Apr 2011, 8:22 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:

That's probably true. I'm not throwing away the idea of a relationship permanently - how could I possibly know what sort of person I'll be and what I'll want in the future? All I can know for sure is now. I think you're 100% right, I am like that. I've always been of the attitude anyway that I'd rather be alone unless I found someone I really wanted to be with.

Moog wrote:

I think part of the problem is that I haven't managed to build a solid self yet. I've spent too much of my life aiming to please others; so much so that the minute I enter any sort of serious partnership with someone I seem to lose sense of myself - like in trying to please them I forget who I am, and my sense of self is already unstable in the first place.

I think I feel this sense of pressure from the media and the people around me, pushing me towards a relationship - like I'm of the age where I should be going through relationships with people. I have guys asking me out, I have friends setting me up with people for dates, this push towards having a relationship seems to permeate my life. I'm so used to just doing what other people think is best for me and pleasing people that I just been going along with all of it. But I've just come to this conscious realization and I feel repelled because I'm finally realizing that a relationship is probably the last thing I need right now, and I've been focusing so much social energy and attention on dating and relationships when I should have been focusing it on self development.

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Grisha
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26 Apr 2011, 8:58 am

sunshower wrote:

I'd rather be alone unless I found someone I really wanted to be with.

I think that 90% of the struggle is simply finding the right person.

We seem to have a tendency to philosophize about relationships when we're single but it's really mostly just idle chatter to pass the time until we find that person - it all goes out the window once we do.

I very recently started experimenting with a casual relationship, although I would really love to find someone "real", I've actually found it to be better than being completely alone - at least so far...

The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Apr 2011, 9:10 am

Say this again when you're 30.

Subotai
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26 Apr 2011, 9:13 am

sunshower wrote:

Normal I'd say. You will probably have periods where you do want a relationship but right now you don't. Everyone has different needs and those needs change at different times.

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26 Apr 2011, 9:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Say this again when you're 30.

yes, i agree with this. i think it is quite normal to want independence at your age, sunshower. i fought against having a heavy relationship too, though my circumstances were different and i eventually went ahead with it. perspectives change, especially as we age.

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MXH
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26 Apr 2011, 9:47 am

I feel the same way. While I do want a good relationship I feel that both I am not capable of one and I cant find someone worth it.

danmac
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26 Apr 2011, 9:54 am

i commend your ability to see past the social norm. it doesn't have to be a long term idea,you will prob. have better luck finding the perfect one 4 u if your not looking. spend this time for yourself, many people will call you selfish for this(but isn't it selfish for them not to see your point of veiw?). do what makes you happy, the rest will fall in place!

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26 Apr 2011, 10:02 am

Never give up. I'm not.

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26 Apr 2011, 10:28 am

I'm too much of a rebel to be in a man/woman relationship. It's usually the man who's the dominant one and I don't want anybody to try to dominate over me. It could turn ugly, very quickly.

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MCalavera
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26 Apr 2011, 10:34 am

sunshower wrote:

I feel like the only way I can grow as a person and find out who I truly am is to have to answer to nobody but myself. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please other people at the expense of pleasing myself. I feel like I've done this so long that I don't even truly know what I like or want.

I'd like you to clarify this bit. Do you believe that you should be free from having moral responsibility?

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