An aspie perspective on limits and giving in relationships

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Hi everyone,

I have been dating an aspie man for over a year and we are dating with a view to maybe a permanent relationship in the future. I am living a long distance apart from him this year for work and we have both been travelling backwards and forwards to keep the relationship going. I will be moving back at the end of the year and will have to find another job. He said that unless I live within a certain distance from him he would find it too hard to continue with the relationship. This means I will have to live near him and commute to wherever I find work which means I am bearing the cost of this arrangement.

Whenever he does things for me he always makes the difficulties/sacrifices associated with his actions clear as though that shows the strength of his love for me, but it makes me feel less valued. He seems averse to paying for me when we go out and prefers everything to be paid for 50-50, and when I 'shout' him he doesn't acknowledge it as a gift or thank me. If he invited me out and paid for me I would see that as an indication of his regard for me. When he does something for me it tends to be because it will save me money, meet a need or because it is in keeping with his own preferences/opinions. I've tried to explain how I feel about being 'shouted' but it obviously isn't important to him and he doesn't seem to understand. He has paid for me a few times and then uses it in his defence if I'm disappointed when he doesn't. I try and be generous to him in terms of practical things as well as gifts and he is always appreciative of what I do for him, like making special meals.

I realise that some things I like to do (like going out for dinner ) are difficult for him but am looking for ways around that, like choosing a quiet restaurant or inviting just one couple over for dinner at home. I am happy to make some compromises - can I expect the same from him? We get on very well in many ways and I would really like to see the relationship progress to something more serious but don't always feel valued and am concerned that things have to be done his way or not at all. If his way of doing things sounds completely normal/acceptable to you, what do you advise I do? Should we just be good friends? He has said that he wants to be more than just that but I need to to know how to respond to his way of thinking/doing things so we're both happy.

First of all, I am afraid that I do not understand your use of the word "shout" in this context. I did some googling and learned that it is australian slang for paying for drinks or other things. Is that how you are using it?

What is acceptable or not acceptable in a relationship is entirely subjective to the people involved, so I can't really address that. Nor can I tell you what you "should" do, as that is something only you know. That said, I can offer a few ways to approach things. First of all, at least at first maybe leave off explaining the hows and why's of what you need, and stick with explaining the whats, in a blunt and straightforward manner. For instance, in your post you say "he always makes the difficulties/sacrifices associated with his actions clear as though that shows the strength of his love for me, but it makes me feel less valued." Instead maybe say something like "I feel valued when you act as though doing things for me is not a burden" or even just "please do not act like doing things for me is a burden on you." Then it will be up to him to decide whether or not that is something he can, or is willing to, do.

On some things, you can expect compromise. On some other things, he'll probably be steadfast. Only by talking to him and clearly and forthrightly telling him what you want will you find out. Aspies generally don't catch on to something if you don't tell them bluntly.

Aspies often have trouble knowing exactly what is expected from them, especially if they do not have a lot of experience with relationships. They do not engage in constant thank yous because they think their feelings are obvious: they've told you before that they are grateful, or it's just obvious that they're grateful, so no need to tell anyone, right? That is an often-seen problem with Aspies: they have no idea how the pleasantries work.

Thanks very much for your insights. Yes, 'shouting' someone means buying them something. I didn't realise it was a specifically Aussie thing! :)